When my Son was born, a part of me was born too…
My journey started in March of 2016 when my husband and I found out we were expecting. I was scared, but not because it was finally happening, but because something didn’t feel right. I felt off. Almost like it wasn’t real, and I kept looking at my positive test trying to convince myself that it was. I messaged my sister and told her I had the strangest feeling that I would be pregnant again in a few months with a boy, but I didn’t understand why I felt that way, I was pregnant now! She saved that message to show me later.
At 7 weeks we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy- I was never meant to have this baby, and that’s why I never truly felt pregnant or connected. I was devastated. I had wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. After some grieving, I started to really care for myself–emotionally and physically.
Two months later, I was pregnant with a little boy, just like I felt I would be. And then it came time to change all of my thought patterns and push myself into a place I was always uncomfortable with. I was ready to go deep and prepare myself for what I knew would be a challenging but exciting experience.
I was eager the entire pregnancy for the birth, and it was all I could think about. At 40 weeks and 6 days, I went into labour. As soon as the midwives came to our home, it was almost as if I had transported somewhere else, and became someone else. I wasn’t nervous at all like I thought I would be, I had all the confidence in the world that my body would do what it was supposed to. I laboured in the shower, on the bed with some music, in the bathroom and on a birthing stool. I was on this magical ride, feeling every wave, and I kept saying yes to it all. My body felt powerful and strong. I let myself go, allowing my body to do the work it needed to bring my baby to me.
After 15 hours, it was time to push and we were so excited! I started pushing, and pushing and nothing was happening…I saw the midwives look at each other because they didn’t understand why it was taking so long. A few more hours of pushing and they saw his head wasn’t completely turned, and he was coming out on the side. I lay in bed, my husband next to me, sweating, a cold cloth on my forehead, the midwives feeding me fruit, giving me tea through a straw, trying to keep my energy up. I kept pushing with everything I had, every ounce of energy, every muscle in my body. After each contraction, and another push that didn’t bring me my baby, I collapsed on the bed, unsure of how long it had been, how many minutes or hours had gone by? The room was still and I could feel the energy pulsing, everyone’s eyes were on me. Was I going to do it? Could I do it? What would happen?
My husband suggested the hospital numerous times, but I knew my baby was okay. His heart rate was steady and strong, and he was cool as a cucumber in there, wiggling around, waiting to meet me. I had been telling my son days before that I was going to be brave for him and I wasn’t going to let him down. Things started to slow but the support and positivity in that room never wavered. Those women that were there encouraged me to keep going, to not give up, and to find the strength wherever I could to keep going. I pushed and let out a roar like no other because I didn’t realize how much I had been holding back. That push did it, and moved his head out! I gave another big push and felt his body, then his feet, and then I heard “12:57”. Just as I looked up, they were placing my big, beautiful, pink, sweet boy on my chest. My husband’s eyes filled with tears, and everyone looked so relieved. 41 weeks of growing this little soul in my body, nourishing him, loving him, keeping him safe and now bringing him into the world. I’ve been attached to him from the moment we made him and I’m forever grateful for the most raw, emotional and empowering experience of my life. I’ve found a true passion for pregnancy and birth and I can’t wait to do it again!
To my son: I know we were waiting for each other and I’m so glad we’re finally together.
ABOUT JENNA/ My name is Jenna, I’m a lover of books, meditation, adventure and travel with my husband, Charlie, and most importantly, a mom to our sweet Nolan and our rescue dog Coco.