Going Deep with Sarah and Teresa on Siblings, Breastfeeding, Detoxing, and Prioritizing
In this month's Going Deep, Teresa and Sarah answer your questions about dealing with the complication of bringing a second or third baby into their home, breastfeeding, detoxing home and body products, and prioritizing. Please send your questions to us here!
Hi, I have an 18 month old and I'm expecting another baby next year. Any tips on helping your oldest adapt to having a sibling and creating a close bond between them? We do co-sleeping at the moment so I’m not sure how this is going to go when number 2 arrives.
-Rebecca
SWO: Hi Rebecca, it does feel daunting the idea of adding a new person into your world. A few tips we have heard over the years that has been so helpful for us is to make your little one as much a part of the process as you can. Bring your baby to your appointments, talk about the new baby and ways your 18 month old can help you (help sing baby to sleep, give baby a lovey, give baby cuddles, help with diapers). I know your first born is still little but they will want to be a part of it. Another tip we got from a mommy and me teacher..... if your oldest and youngest are both crying who do you go to first? As long as your baby is in a safe place, you go to your oldest and help them first and then go together to help the baby. You never want your first to feel left out or replaced so figure out ways to include them as much as possible. In terms of sleep, we love and believe in room sharing. If you are wanting to transition your oldest, you can put a toddler mattress on the floor next to your bed and room share - or keep your new baby in a bassinet next to the bed and your oldest in bed with you. There are no rules here, you just need to do what is best for you, your babies and your family. If this type of sleep works for you that’s great and if it doesn’t, you can pivot and try a different approach. My kids are three years apart and we did a lot of room sharing and my son never woke up to my new babies cries. He is either a very hard sleeper or he just got use to sleeping through her crying so early on. Hope this helps.
TP: Hey Rebecca, I love everything Sarah recommended in terms of getting first babe ready for the new baby. Including them is an important part of the process. Consider buying your first a present from your new baby when your newborn arrives to combat any jealous feelings surrounding the amount of attention new babies receive.
My two youngest are 2 years and a few months apart, so they’re pretty close in age. We had moved Forest into his own bedroom to share a bed with big brother Bodhi about 2 months before Poets’ birth. Sometimes, he’d walk back into our room and we’d always allow him to come back into our bed to sleep. Eventually, he just started sleeping through the night cuddled up with Bodhi in his own bed. For us, the important thing was to ensure Forest felt he had complete access to us and wasn’t being kicked out of the bed for the new baby. We also ensured we transitioned him and Bodhi out of our room much before Poets arrival so that it didn’t come on the heels of her birth. We had been talking about the boys having their own room for awhile. Our bed was always open to either of them throughout the night if need be.
Bodhi was just over 2.5 when Forest arrived and we had a Montessori mattress on the floor of our room. I’d lie down next to Bodhi to help him go to sleep and I’d always try to make sure it was just him and I for night time cuddles and nursing. If you can, try to keep your regular routine the same, have your partner hold the new bubs so that you can continue the same ritual with your first. I found baby wearing really helpful during the day as you can still be available to your first and your newborn is still being tended to without your arms being full.
Enjoy your new family dynamic! Siblings bring so much extra love.
Editor’s Note: Hey Rebecca, Just wanted to add that both Sarah and Teresa do a lot of co-sleeping and room sharing, which is lovely has worked really well for their families. However, that doesn’t mean it is the right thing for all families. Going from one to two kids is no joke. If you need to transition your older child to their own room that is totally okay, and sometimes necessary so don’t feel bad if that is the better choice for your family. There is nothing wrong with it, and it can give your child the enormous gift of their own special space that is their own. A lot of people go this route too, and it completely depends on what works for you family.
Hi there, we have a 2 1/2 year old boy and welcomed our 2nd son 8 weeks ago. I didn't expect to feel so guilty about bringing another child into our family and not being able to give all of my attention to my oldest. How have you two dealt with sharing your attention and not making either child feel like they're missing out on you or activities you would normally be able to do if you didn't have a newborn? Thank you!
-Briana
SWO: Yes!!! Hi Briana,
I felt the exact same way when my daughter was born! I felt like everyone wanted to take my 3 year old away to lunch or the park to give me some time with the baby, but it actually really made me sad. I just felt so guilty and so disconnected. I was worried this would change our relationship.
In the end, it didn’t but I had to ask for more help with the baby from my family so I could still hang with, play and read to my son. We ended up hanging on my bed playing Legos, reading books, and listening to music. When he would seem to need more of an outdoor adventure, I would take him for a quick trip to the coffee shop or park nearby to have some one on one time with him.
If you are feeling guilty, just listen to what your heart needs. Know that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing taking care of your baby, but if you want to spend time with your older child and make them more a part of the process with the baby, then do that. Try not to beat yourself up for doing exactly what you should be doing. Wishing you all the best. Much love.
TP: Love how Sarah responded to this, and I agree. Carve out time to be with your first. There will be so many eager hands ready for newborn cuddles, so that you’re available to spend quality time with your first. You can call it “Easton-led time” (I just made up your sons name! But insert his name in there). You can make it a big deal, “Easton, you get to pick whatever activity we do! It’s Easton led time!” You could choose to do it every day and he can direct you in play. I did this with Bodhi when Forest arrived and now with three we always try to take one kid out on their own for quality time, so they feel really seen and heard without the distraction of siblings.
Have fun, mama.
I just gave birth to my beautiful girl, Ruby. She is now as I’m writing this, 4 days old! As a new mama there is so much to learn and get used to. A question of mine, do you have any breastfeeding tips? I am doing pretty well so far, just having some trouble with getting a deep latch every time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!!
-Tabitha
TP: I hope by now you’re in a lovely flow with breastfeeding. Yes, if it’s feeling pinchy, your nipples will suffer. Take bubs off and relatch, you can feed more of your areola into your babies’ mouth with your finger. If the majority of your areola is in your baby’s mouth it should be a much more comfortable latch.
We really believe in breastfeeding on demand as the more regular nipple stimulation helps with the production of milk and ensures you have a hearty supply. It also means you’re listening to your baby’s natural cues and establishes an organic way of meeting bubs needs as they arise rather than forcing your baby into a strict sleep/eat/play schedule.
All the very best and enjoy your darling Ruby
xxx
SWO: Hi Tabitha,
Congratulations on this new and beautiful time!! These first few months are magic and I am so excited for your journey.
My biggest tip would be if it ever feels pinchy or if it hurts and feels like a shallow latch; put your finger inside Ruby’s mouth and gently take her off the breast and then try again. Don’t continue to feed with a shallow latch because this will cause your nipples to hurt and possibly bleed. It’s better to take your baby off - wait for your little one to open her mouth to latch again and quickly help get a deeper latch.
There are fantastic books and videos on breastfeeding, but I’m hoping the nurses helped you with some tips while you were at the hospital.
I very much enjoyed “The Womenly Art of Breastfeeding” book!
Xoxox
Editor’s Note: Hi Tabitha and anyone also finding themselves in need of breastfeeding support, PLEASE do not hesitate to seek help. The longer you wait, the worse it can get and often the fix is something rather simple and you just need someone very experienced to guide you in the right direction. There are tons of places to get breastfeeding support, but a great resource is La Leche League.
I was wondering what natural products you use from cleaning supplies to self care/beauty products (my main concern.) I’m trying to transition myself to being fully organic vegan and I figure if I’m this conscious about what I’m putting IN my body, I should be just as careful about what I’m putting ON it. I would love your tips and advice! Thank you!!
SWO: We have a whole section about this exact question in our book coming out in April!! This is such an important topic!
Yes, cleaning supplies have a lot of chemicals and fumes that you should not touch or inhale. Some of our favorite cleaning tools are vinegar mixed with water and baking soda. These have been used for years to clean bathrooms and kitchens and floors and if you hate the smell of vinegar add some essential oils like eucalyptus in there to calm the smell. A great resource for all things detox is The Non Toxic Munchkin site. Aida at The Non Toxic Munchkin does tons of research and has curated a beautiful site based on getting toxins out of your body, your home and our planet.
In terms of products for your skin or your babies I actually own an organic skincare line for the whole family called Baeo. We USDA organic products like a moisturizing body butter, a face balm, lip balm, body wash and a booty balm to help with skin irritation or diaper rash.
I personally use the bare butter to take off my makeup and then I put it all over my face and neck for moisture.
Other companies we love are Lilia who has amazing makeup that is clean, Tata Harper skincare, (on the pricier side but has amazing products), Juice Beauty , and Suntegrity (this is my FAV tinted moisturizer with sunscreen in it!). I am also a huge fan of the CBD brand Prima! Their bath balm (bath gem) and facial oil are both incredible.
TP: Fantastic suggestions from Sarah! Especially Baeo, which we love in our household. Yes, I always check three main things to ensure the products are suffering free: no animals were harmed, no negative impact on the environment and no unethical treatment of those making the product. Going vegan is a wonderful choice for your health, the environment & to reduce your impact on the immense suffering of animals. As scientists and researchers have now found, veganism is the number one way to reduce your impact on Mother Earth! Here’s a little more great reading to keep you motivated.
The new study, published in the journal Science, is one of the most comprehensive analyses to date into the detrimental effects farming can have on the environment and included data on nearly 40,000 farms in 119 countries. Researchers examined a total of 40 agricultural products in the study, covering 90 per cent of all food that is eaten. They looked at how each of these impacted the environment by analysing climate change emissions, water pollution and air pollution. Lead author Joseph Poore said:
“A vegan diet is probably the single biggest way to reduce your impact on planet Earth, not just greenhouse gases, but global acidification, eutrophication, land use and water use…It is far bigger than cutting down on your flights or buying an electric car,” he explained, which would only reduce greenhouse gas emissions. “Avoiding consumption of animal products delivers far better environmental benefits than trying to purchase sustainable meat and dairy,” he added.
With as many projects as you both have going on in your lives, how do you prioritize the many hats you wear, and still manage to get things accomplished? I always feel even if I dabble and work on everything, nothing ever gets completed?
-Alyssa
SWO: Alyssa, We actually feel this way too a lot! It helps to make lists, and delegate tasks if you feel you can’t get everything accomplished. Honestly, though this year while we have been working on our book, I started to practice something new when I would get stressed and worried about things not getting done. I would get as much as I could accomplished in the day - and work at night when the kids were sleeping, but around the time I would get tired I would leave the work for the next day and remind myself that it’s ok not to get it all done. You work on what you can and you try to mark off one thing at a time and try really hard not to beat yourself up for the things that didn’t happen.
This helped me so much as I had a lot on my plate this year and sometimes it’s ok to not get it all done in a day.
Good luck Xoxox
TP: Hey Alyssa! We hear you. There is SO much to juggle. Putting less pressure on ourselves is key. Write out a priority list, what can wait, what cannot? Steal the moments during the day when you’re kid free to settle in to do some work. Often, if we find we aren’t getting anything completed it’s because we’ve taken on too much. Choose the main 10 things that you want to focus on and draw up a calendar to dedicate time to tend to each chosen part of your life.
There’s an amazing book that I always recommend on how to survive in a time-poor society. It’s called “The Art of Stopping Time: Practical Mindfulness for Busy People”
Enjoy xx
Editor’s Note: Hi Alyssa, Something that came up in one of my guided meditations was the idea of good enough. Now, if you work for NASA or are a doctor, this is not applicable to you because you need to get to 100% each time. But for most of us, good enough is enough. The amount of energy it takes to get from 80% to 100% is extraordinary and generally never worth it. So don’t kill yourself to get to 100%. Let yourself off the hook and internalize that good enough is really just right.
