Feeling the Weight of Things by Jamie Roddy

Last night, my beautiful little man, Hughie, fell asleep ON me … not beside me, not resting gently on my arm, but his entire body draped across my tummy.

As I lie there with around 12 kilograms positioned on top of me, I smiled.
I smiled, because I know my son feels safe and secure in my company.
I smiled, because my soft tummy provides a comfortable place for my son to rest.
I smiled, because feeling his heavy, still weight pressed against me now represents his contentedness … that’s not always been the case.

The worst moment of my entire life was that of his birth (which sounds strange, I know); after what felt like an eternity in that operating theatre the medical staff behind the curtain pulled my son free of my body and placed him directly on top of me.

He was heavy, he was perfectly still and he was quiet.

In that moment, I thought my child was dead. I was convinced he was dead, because I felt his still (what I thought was lifeless) body on me. I couldn’t see him, I could only feel the weight of him.

In that moment, I thought I’d never meet the little man I’d dreamed of, spoken to and loved intensely from the second I learned of his pending arrival.

It took around two minutes for him to finally make a sound, but in those two minutes it felt like time stopped and the world fell away.

My husband and I don’t often talk about his delivery, or of the time our boy spent in the special care nursery in the days after … rather, we focus on the fact we have a happy and healthy little man who brings joy to our every day.

We are the lucky ones and will always be acutely aware of that, because for a few short (but incredibly long) moments we thought we’d be leaving that hospital without our child.

So now I smile. I smile because his heavy weight pressing down on my tummy is a reminder of just how fortunate we are.

Grateful, always.

I’m Jamie Roddy; Aussie Mama to handsome Hughie (almost two-years-old) and wife to Jordan (almost 31-years-old!) Every day I’m living, learning and loving this #momlife (or #mumlife as we say down under!)