Falling in Love in a Single Breath by Colleen Fitzpatrick
Everyone talks about the immediate love you feel when you first see your newborn baby, this unbelievable connection. I always thought it sounded great – couldn’t wait to see what the fuss was all about. I wanted children just like the next person and was very much on board with experiencing this “love in an instance” and allowing it forever change my life. I didn’t know-however, how strong and intense it would be; how consuming and whole it would be. Even though everyone says “children will change your life”, I always thought they were talking about the no sleep, any time for yourself and chaos of it all aspect. But oh no…They were taking about something entirely different.
When I got pregnant, I was on a super high because hey, I could actually get pregnant! Isn’t that the first struggle when you decide “okay, time to grow this family and have some babies?” It took us about 7 months and when I saw that super positive blue line on Easter Sunday I felt my heart grow just a little bit. At the time though, I was more worried about how my job would react and buying a house to fit us and getting everything in order than I was about this tiny human growing inside me. But as my belly grew and grew and he kicked around letting me know he was with me, I was really starting to get a glimpse of that love that can’t be explained. I was still worried about my job and the house and getting it all in order. When I entered my third trimester, baby and I were feeling more and more like one person. I knew what each kick meant and when he was sleeping, hiccupping or just floating around – I could feel him changing me. I started too careless about the job and the house and having it all under control. Knowing he was safe inside my body brought me comfort, joy and a sense of emotionality that consumed my every day.
During those last few weeks of pregnancy though, I started to lose that happy glow out of discomfort, angst and wanting to meet my little one. The night I went into labor, 6 days past my due date, started a two day marathon of overbearingly intense contractions, a lot of heavy breathing, and a whole lot of pain. I wanted so badly for it to be over that I was forgetting what the end result would be if I just bared down and did what my body was telling me to do. Over those two days I probably breathed in and out, slow and fast and at different beats over a thousand times. None of those breaths meant a thing though – they were just a filler until he was ready to come on out and be with me. When it was time to start pushing, the breathing continued but this time it was catching my breath breathing in between pushes! This went on for over an hour but felt like an eternity. Everyone around me kept saying “just a little bit more” and “oh my god we see the head” and “keep breathing you’re almost done!” I did not believe them for one second and really hated all of the pushing and the breathing and the pain that went on and on.
I was so, so tired….
And then all of a sudden, in one last single breath I blinked, and he was on my chest, chattering and burrowing into me. I felt this unbelievable calm wash over me as I fell so madly in love with my sweet baby boy. With slow steady breaths, tears streaming down my face, my husband’s face, and his perfectly tiny body nestled on me, I held on tightly to the greatest love I’ll ever know.
For Logan
I’m from Long Island, New York and I’m 29 years old. I live here in Farmingdale with my husband Chris. I work as the events director for a non profit – public service has been my life work. My sweet boys name is Logan and he was born on December 7, 2016. I just love his sweet chubby butt so much 🙂