Postpartum VLOG Month 3 baby Winter
What Week?
HA well I have lost count.. This is in reference to month 3
How big is baby?
17 pounds
Whats something new this month?
We had a road trip adventure!
Most challenging moment?
Winter did pretty amazing on the road trip. She was very upset the last 30 mins each direction but other than that she slept a lot and seemed very chill. I had a lot of little toys to try and entertain her. She is currently obsessed with sucking on her hands and fingers so I brought along a Sophie Giraffe for her play with and she loved it. I also have these little Apple Park animals that can connect to the car seat and they vibrate which I didn’t understand until I pulled the cord and one of them vibrated and it blew her mind hahhaha.
As a family it was a little nerve wracking trying to get to Idaho (15 hours away) during a pandemic. My thoughts were, “How is it going to be peeing on the side of the road? What if Esmé needs to poop and won’t use the travel potty? What if we run out of food in the car and everyone is hungry?”
Eric was worried about something happening with the car when its 10 degrees out and we can’t just call a cab and go to a hotel.
The car ride was pretty wild. Wyatt was doing school most of the day, Esmé and Winter took some naps. Esmé sang us endless adorable Christmas songs and we all worked on entertaining Winter with books and toys. This isn’t a trip we would have normally taken, we would normally fly. Once we were back in LA we were so grateful we had this experience together.
Something you loved this month?
Snow, Christmas movies, finding Moose outside our home.
One morning very early before the sun came up Esmé jumped up from my bed and said “Dad.” She thought she heard something and left our room to go out into the living room. I opened my eyes and Eric was still sleeping next to me. Winter began to stir so I started feeding her and then Eric asked where Esmé was. I told him she went looking for him out in the living room. So he got up and quickly told us to come. Esmé stood frozen in the middle of the room and outside of every window we could see Moose!! Five Moose were eating our trees. If the windows had been open we could have touched them.
Mama time?
Sometimes the kids would go play in the snow with Eric and Winter would take a nap so I would have some moments alone to take a bath, read a book, wrap presents, listen to a podcast and make cookies. I love cooking when there isn’t much else to do because I can meditate and relax into whatever I am making.
What am I eating ?
Over the holidays I made lots of goodies! Chocolate chip cookies, Pancakes, hot cocoa! I made sure to balance all of that with eating nutritious foods. I am always always hungry because of Winter breastfeeding so continuing with my schedule of Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, Dinner helps to keep my milk supply strong and gives me the energy I need.
My body.
I have been continuing my Every Mother workout and I am starting to feel my body strengthen. I can tell that I have more use of my abdomen and my legs feel stronger.
Checking in.
Over the holidays my friend Meagan who had stage four colon cancer was rapidly getting worse. The last few months before she died her body was really struggling. We have a mutual friend who I spent a lot of time talking to and others to see if there was anything else that we could do. I thought about her non stop and felt like our spirits were all intertwined during this time. The days felt fragile and in the evenings when the kids would go to sleep I would allow myself the time to process what was happening. I would write with my friend Alice and send notes, voice memos and videos to Meagan. I watched my father in his last few months, I knew the signs when the body is struggling, I could tell that this was happening.
We lost her on January 4th. I wrote this in my message about her passing but that night before I went to sleep when I organize my brain and have a few quiet moments alone I laid back in my bed with all my loves sleeping around me and I stared out the window. I felt her, I felt something happening, I prayed for her, for her family, I prayed that her pain would go away. I looked out at the lights in the sky and I just sent her all the loving energy I could muster. I cried as I closed my eyes to go to sleep and when I awoke in the morning she was gone.
I felt so overcome with sadness. I missed her but I was also so sad for all that she would miss out on in her daughters lives. I would sit there breastfeeding my baby and thinking about my friend who had to leave hers behind. The tears just kind of flowed out of my eyes for days.
A few days later while asleep Meagan visited me in my dream. She wrote me a message in handwriting that said “I am here, and I love you.” I think she wanted me to know she was ok, that she wasn’t hurting anymore.
And I am ok. I am grateful for every moment I ever had to spend with her. It makes me so sad that she is gone. I share this with you now because I believe it’s important to share our stories. The ones that break our hearts and the ones that fill us with joy.
xo Sarah