When Motherhood Breaks High-Achieving Women (and Why That Might Be the Beginning of Something Beautiful) by Kate Kripke, LCSW
You were the woman who got sh*t done.
You led teams, ran companies, wrote books, taught classrooms, saved lives, changed the world.
You were relied upon. Admired. Respected.
And then, one day, there was a baby in your arms.
And instead of feeling powerful, you felt…
completely lost.
This experience is more common than most people realize—especially among high-achieving women. And it’s not because these women aren’t good mothers. It’s because the strategies that helped them succeed in the outside world simply don’t work in early motherhood. In fact, those strategies often make things worse.
When Everything That Once Worked… Doesn’t
Many of the women I work with are what I call high-functioning and high-achieving. They’re brilliant, driven, competent, and used to living in a world where success comes from being proactive, organized, polished, and prepared. They like checklists, structure, performance, and clarity. It makes sense. These things have offered them safety, predictability, and a sense of control.
But then comes motherhood. And motherhood laughs in the face of predictability and control.
Suddenly, the same women who used to run board meetings and manage crisis response teams are sobbing on the kitchen floor because their baby won’t nap—or because they don’t recognize themselves anymore. They are overwhelmed by the messiness of it all. Not just the literal mess (though there’s that), but the emotional mess. The crying, the chaos, the uncertainty. The loss of identity. The way their well-worn coping skills suddenly don’t apply.
Why Is This So Hard?
Because you’ve been programmed—like so many of us—to associate love and worth with performance.
Many high-achieving women grew up in homes where love and approval were often earned through good behavior, straight A’s, or being the one who held everything together. That conditioning doesn’t disappear when you become a mother. If anything, it gets louder. Suddenly, the stakes feel higher. You’re not just trying to succeed—you’re trying to raise a good human.
But here’s the thing: the tools that helped you succeed in school or work (control, productivity, hyper-responsibility) do not help you attune, connect, or regulate in motherhood. They don’t help you stay grounded in the middle of a toddler’s meltdown. They don’t help you accept your child’s emotions without taking them personally. And they certainly don’t help you rest when you’re exhausted.
So what happens? You try to apply these strategies anyway. You problem-solve. You hustle. You research. You try to fix it. And the more you do, the more disconnected you feel.
That’s when the anxiety creeps in. The guilt. The sense that you’re failing. That something’s wrong with you. That maybe you weren’t cut out for this after all.
But none of that is true. What’s true is this:
You’ve never been taught what actually creates connection and confidence in motherhood.
So What DoesWork?
Here’s the truth that will change your experience of motherhood forever:
-The moments that build secure attachment and lasting connection with your child don’t come from doing more.
-They happen underneath the doing.
-They happen in the quiet moments—when you’re simply being together.
Sometimes these moments look like cuddling on the couch or laughing at a silly game. But just as often, they look like staying present during a tantrum. Or breathing through your child’s cries without rushing to fix them. Or gently reassuring them with your presence when you feel like falling apart.
Those are the moments that shape your child’s sense of safety.
And you don’t need to be perfect for those moments to matter.
You just need to be present—and regulated enough to stay.
The Real Question Every Mom Should Ask
So many moms ask me, “Am I doing enough?”
But the real question is: How do you want to feel in motherhood?
Because underneath all of it—the anxiety, the guilt, the constant striving—is a deep desire to feel something. Peace. Joy. Calm. Confidence. Connection. Purpose.
That’s the compass. That’s the goal.
And that’s what we need to start guiding our decisions by.
When you find yourself spiraling in overthinking, comparison, or panic, try asking:
✨ If I already felt calm and confident, what would I choose right now?
✨ If I believed I was a good mom, how would I respond in this moment?
✨ If I trusted that my child is okay, what would feel more easeful?
Because that’s where things shift—from the inside out.
The Path Forward Isn’t About Doing More
High-achieving moms don’t need more parenting tips.
They need permission to do less and feel more.
They need help retraining their brains—not just to tolerate the chaos of motherhood, but to feel steady and strong inside it.
And that starts with one powerful truth:
If you want to feel good in motherhood, you have to care for the part of you that’s mothering.
Because a depleted brain cannot create calm. A disconnected nervous system cannot model safety. And a mother who’s constantly judging herself will struggle to feel joy—even in the most beautiful moments.
You are not broken.
You are not failing.
You are simply trying to use strategies that don’t belong in this season.
So let’s try something else.
Let’s stop asking, “Am I doing enough?”
And start asking:
“How do I want to feel?”
Let that be your guide.
Kate Kripke, LCSW is a maternal mental health expert and the creator of The Calm Connection System™—a neuroscience-based coaching program that helps high-achieving moms eliminate anxiety, guilt, and burnout so they can experience calm, confidence, and deep connection in motherhood. With over 20 years of experience and more than 6,000 mothers transformed, Kate is on a mission to show women that thriving in motherhood doesn’t mean doing more—it means doing it differently.
Learn more about The Calm Connection System™: https://www.calmconnectionsystem.com/sign-up-e
Follow Kate on Instagram: @katekripke