How to Help Your Child Manage Anxiety: A Practical Guide for Parents by Jaimie Bloch
Understanding Anxiety in Children
Anxiety is something we all experience, but when it comes to children, it can be difficult for parents to recognise the first signs. Often, we might dismiss or misunderstand our child’s experiences, sometimes we may label it as difficult, defiant or even overly sensitive. In order to be able to support our kids we must understand that anxiety is a natural response to perceived threats, triggered by the brain’s “danger alarm” (the amygdala), which activates the fight, flight, or freeze responses. This is a normal and natural response. Our brains are not good at defining and separating a perceived threat versus a real threat. Just like a smoke alarm cannot tell the difference between burnt toast and a real fire.
What counts as a “threat” can vary widely. For younger kids, the idea of being separated from their parents might feel like a big danger, while teenagers may feel threatened by being embarrassed in front of their classmates. As parents, we may think these fears are small or unimportant, but for our kids, they are real and scary. Whether there’s an actual threat or not, their bodies respond as if there is.
Avoiding the Defiance Trap
One of the most frustrating aspects of childhood anxiety is the perceived defiance kids can display. When a child feels threatened, it often leads to feelings of fear and overwhelm. The natural response to fear is to avoid the thing they are afraid of, which might look like resistance or non-compliance. The more they avoid the feared situation, the stronger their anxiety can become.
Steo 1: Recognising Triggers
To help your child with anxiety, the first step is identifying what triggers their feelings. These triggers could be anything from specific fears (like a fear of dogs) to social situations (such as being asked to speak in front of the class). By understanding what makes your child anxious, you’ll be better equipped to support them and manage their reactions. You will also be able to make a plan to support them in being brave and overcoming their fears.
Step 2: Validate Instead of Dismiss:
Validating your child’s feelings is a crucial first step when managing anxiety, especially once you identify the triggers activating their fight/flight/freeze response. From a psychological perspective, validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting your child’s emotional experience without judgement. When a child’s anxiety is triggered, their amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for processing threats) becomes activated, and they experience intense emotional responses such as fear or panic. By validating these emotions, you help the child feel understood and supported, which can prevent their anxiety from escalating.
Psychologically, validation helps reduce the intensity of the child’s emotional response. When you acknowledge their feelings, it lowers the emotional arousal in the brain, allowing the child to feel safer and less overwhelmed. This reduces the likelihood of the child resorting to fight/flight/freeze behaviours, such as aggression, avoidance, or dissociation, which are common anxiety coping mechanisms.
Moreover, validation strengthens the child’s emotional resilience. It teaches them that their emotions are not wrong or something to be ashamed of, but a normal part of being human. By modelling empathy and support, you also encourage your child to regulate their emotions more effectively in the future. This makes it easier for them to approach challenging situations with a clearer mindset and without being overtaken by anxiety. Ultimately, validation fosters trust, emotional connection, and a sense of security, which are key to helping your child navigate anxiety more effectively.
Step 3: Help Them Build Brave Steps
Gradual exposure is a powerful tool for helping your anxious child face their fears in a safe and controlled way. The key is to break down the fearful situation into manageable steps and allow your child to build confidence at their own pace.
For instance, if your child is scared of dogs, start by gently introducing them to the idea of dogs. You could watch videos of dogs together, helping them become familiar with the concept in a non-threatening way. Once they’re comfortable with this, move on to less intimidating encounters, like playing with a stuffed dog or looking at pictures of dogs. After they feel more at ease, you could visit a pet shop, where they can observe dogs from a safe distance. Only once your child is ready and shows comfort with each step, gradually move on to interacting with a calm, friendly dog. This step-by-step approach allows them to feel more in control and reduces the overwhelming feelings of anxiety.
The key to successful gradual exposure is patience. Never rush or push your child to move on to the next step before they’re ready. The goal is for your child to feel empowered as they face each new challenge, rather than feeling more anxious. By giving them the time and space to overcome each step, you help them build resilience and the skills to manage anxiety in the future.
Step 4: Celebrate The Small Wins
Celebrating the small wins is an important way to encourage your child as they work through their anxiety and build bravery. It reinforces their progress and boosts their confidence, helping them feel proud of each step they take. Here are some ways to celebrate those small wins:
Acknowledge their efforts – Praise your child for taking brave steps, no matter how small. For example, if they managed to look at a dog video or stayed calm for a few minutes in a social situation, let them know how proud you are. You might say, “I can see you’re getting braver every day! Well done!”
Use positive reinforcement – Give your child small rewards to mark their progress. This doesn’t always have to be material rewards; it could be extra playtime, a fun outing, or a favourite activity as a treat. It shows them that their hard work is recognised and valued.
Create a visual progress chart – Make a chart or journal where you can mark each brave step they take. Whether it’s drawing a star, adding a sticker, or writing down their achievements, it gives them a visual reminder of how far they’ve come.
Focus on effort, not just the outcome – Celebrate the effort, not just the end result. Even if your child didn’t fully conquer their fear, acknowledge how brave they were for trying. This helps them understand that it’s okay not to be perfect, and the process is just as important as the goal.
Celebrate with a special moment – After they’ve taken a brave step, take a moment to celebrate together. It could be something as simple as a high-five, a hug, or a “great job!” This reinforces their positive behaviour and helps them associate bravery with feelings of support and encouragement.
Highlight their growth – Remind your child of how much they’ve accomplished over time. You might say something like, “Remember when you were too scared to watch a dog video? Now you’re comfortable watching them with me. You’ve come so far!” This helps them see their own progress and boosts their self-esteem.
Understanding your child’s anxiety is the first step to helping them manage it. By recognising triggers, building resilience, and taking proactive steps, you can help your child feel more confident and better able to cope with their fears. And remember, you’re not alone – there are professionals and resources available to guide you on this journey. By working together, you can create a supportive environment that encourages emotional growth and well-being.
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Jaimie Bloch is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of MindMovers Psychology in Sydney, specialising in parenting, child development, and family mental health. With over 15 years of experience, she’s a leading expert in supporting parents to raise emotionally healthy children, providing practical advice and behavioural strategies. As a sought-after media consultant, Jaimie offers expert insights on child psychology and mental health, making complex concepts accessible to a wide audience. She’s passionate about empowering families and advocating for mental well-being, ensuring that parents have the tools they need to foster resilience in their children.
Instagram @mindmoverspsych
Website: www.mindmoverspsychology.com.au
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