7 Steps to Change Children’s Behavior through Teaching Accountability by Dr. Rob Anthony
If you’re a parent, think about those exuberant emotions that overwhelmed you when you first saw your child. The love…the excitement…the joy that overflowed from your heart as you gazed into that child’s eyes for the first time are moments every parent cherishes. While these feelings of love and adoration for our children never change, over time, we do begin to ponder how we will set them up for success when they are older. As a result, our thoughts begin to consider what skills we need to teach them to help them mature. Command of skills will vary by parent, yet one of the most important skills we can teach our children is accountability.
A simple dictionary review informs us that accountability is a condition of being responsible for something. It’s the state of being answerable to a superior. It is likewise a position where one is worthy of another person’s trust and confidence. Indeed, accountability distinguishes the mature from the immature. Mature people can handle adversity. Immature people often wilt under difficult circumstances. Accountability, then, is a job-ready skill, a relationship skill, and a life skill. It is also the greatest gift you can give your child, because once they learn it, they will never have to be a “victim” again.
Let’s look at seven steps needed to teach others accountability.
When teaching any skill, engagement with the child should be based on the frequency of inappropriate behavior and seldom the degree of immature behavior. Frequency confirms a missing skill. Irresponsibility peeks its head often, so repetitious behavior should identify what a child cannot manage.
There are essentially three habitual behaviors that all unaccountable people struggle with. It may be one or more, but accountability needs to be taught and practiced if you recognize any of the following:
They are beset by uncomfortable or overwhelming feelings that result in chronic trouble.
They cannot maintain composure if someone around them can’t either.
They are unable to do something when it is difficult, or they don’t want to do something requested.
If you recognize any of the above behaviors, you will need to assist that person with learning accountability. First, you will need to set boundaries if you want to navigate this obstacle course successfully. Boundaries help reduce worry but be careful…many make the mistake of teaching before establishing the necessary boundaries. You want to be predictable when teaching accountability. Accountability must be confined within boundaries and never by mood. When someone lacks accountability, they will do something that frustrates you. This is why an atmosphere of predictability is crucial. Be clear. Be kind. Be consistent and predictable.
Through the process, understand that you will need to provide time, relationship, and questions. You should seek ownership, partnership, and coachability from the child. The key is the relationship component. Irresponsibility will frustrate you. This will tempt you to distance yourself from that person, but don’t do that. It will only isolate the person from you, and they will no longer want to partner with you to grow.
Remember, when you partner with someone, you are coaching them, not lecturing them. A lecture never changed anyone. Coaching, however, leads people to change by asking great questions. An example would be asking someone if their choice made their situation better or worse. They know the answer. Allow them to voice it rather than you informing them. This exercise leads to the next requirement to successfully coach accountability: Practice.
Just like learning the skill of throwing a ball correctly, learning the skill of accountability also takes lots of practice. Practice leads to confidence, and increased confidence leads to increased effort.
Lastly, maintain high standards. Never lower standards for your child just because they have suffered something. When we lower standards, we rob our children of the chance to gain confidence. The pain they experience may not be their fault, but it is always 100% their responsibility to function maturely through problems. We don’t change expectations because every person is worthy of being successful. Don’t let your child avoid overwhelming feelings. Lead them through them and practice managing them appropriately.
Accountability is challenging because it is a vulnerable process for both parties. Ironically, parents are often strict when it comes to academics, but some are lax when it comes to behavior. The irony is that academics seldom impact real-world relationships, while behaviors will make or break a person. There is no algorithm for interpersonal skills. These depend on accountability but remember: Relationships don’t change children. Accountability is where change occurs.
Dr. Anthony is a cancer-survivor, secondary administrator, author, speaker, and advocate for wise living. He is the author of Finite Obstacles ~ Infinite Truth. He adds value to others’ lives by teaching people how to overcome challenges, how to lead with grace and accountability, and by advocating for wise choices based on truth. Learn more at www.DrRobAnthony.com, and https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-rob-anthony/.