An Empty Space and Ache In My Heart - A Mom in Mourning and Recovery from a Rare Ectopic Pregnancy by Melanie Hernandez
I am a mom in her 40s who had five c-sections starting in my twenties. My first was an emergency c-section performed because my child was breached. After my first c-section, I was either scheduled or an emergency c-section was performed. I was never really educated on the risks of each surgery or the risk of having an ectopic pregnancy. I always felt it afterwards, of course recovery is longer and tougher, but I was assured everything went “well”. Because of this I always felt motivated that if and when I wanted, I could have a baby. Every time not realizing my chances were getting worse, and the damage being inflicted was significant. In fact, it was not until now that I learned after each surgery, there was an increase of 6.1% after at least one c- section of me losing a child.
I became pregnant in late November of 2020. I felt the same as I always had with morning sickness and general fatigue. It was late January 2021 when I woke up in extreme pain. I felt like someone was stabbing me in the middle of my C-section scar. I remember feeling this fast heartbeat in the middle of my scar and as time went on it faded away. The pain is extremely difficult to explain. Feeling the anxiety of loss and hope for better news in a single moment; is overwhelming for the heart and mind. I had an overwhelming sense of grief and loss as I realized my baby said, “Hello and goodbye”.
A few days later I had my first prenatal appointment, and my ultrasound tech confirmed my loss. I was quickly rushed into a room where I heard whispers outside my door and my doctors voice sounding upset, it’s the general undertone we all hear when we hear a voice in another room, the moment you realize, whatever is being discussed in that room is not good and the emotional sense you get is the same. I will never forget his words “You have a c-section scar pregnancy”, the embryo had located itself on the scar of my previous c-section. The rest was a bit overwhelming with him ultimately saying, “You could die any moment if you started to bleed”.
I remember telling my doctor, “I’m scared to die!”, as I burst into tears his response was “I can’t worry about that right now”. He said due to Covid he had to get approval on my emergency surgery, and because my vitals were stable, I had to go home on bed rest. He said if I bled at any point to rush to the hospital so they could save my life. I felt complete shock and despair. There was little conversation with a rushed approach to the discussion. The speed at which we were moving and having this conversation prevented me from likely asking questions I still ask myself this day. Here I am scared and he’s just sending me home; have a great day! I still didn’t know much about my condition and based on my research, not many doctors retain the expertise needed. It’s exceedingly rare to have a c section scar pregnancy, but what data shows is the increase in cesareans is causing an increase in where the ectopic pregnancy can be located. According to the data I found 1:1,800 to 1:2,226 woman will have an ectopic pregnancy located in their c-section scar. This is cited* as a challenge in the opening statements of the publication and I absolutely felt that with my Doctor.
As I headed home, I kept thinking, how am I going to tell my kids that mommy has to lay in bed for seven days and wait for my doctor to schedule my emergency surgery to save my life. It was on day five that I was scheduled to have an MRI. Unfortunately, more news was not good news and they determined I had a bladder infection. My doctor called me and said, “I scheduled your surgery on Wednesday, and it doesn’t look good”. He said he would have to do a c-section hysterectomy because the placenta was already attached to my bladder. In that moment, my heart stopped. Losing my baby is devastating and now I’m going to lose my uterus, a piece of me goes with my lost child. I just sobbed throughout the day and night. The thought of never having any more children was excruciating pain that I felt deep in my soul.
I made it to my surgery date, my husband and I drove there listening to music that just made us cry and we consoled each other during the drive. It was a day of grief because, I would never be the same woman. I remember coming out of surgery my husband saying the doctor cut your bladder, and I had stopped breathing seven times due to the morphine. It’s still hours after my surgery and I am out of it, bad, physical pain is excruciating, barely waking up from the anesthesia, and my doctor was showing me photos of my embryo, how it looked. Shocking might be the feeling you have, but yes, my embryo, my little soul, was being presented to me on display with my uterus. I felt very hurt, as a human being, as a woman, I wasn’t treated with compassion. I didn’t want to see my baby it was heartbreaking but to him the science behind it was astonishing.
I never felt pain like what I experienced after surgery. My body was exhausted after my sixth c- section and a hysterectomy. I still had a bladder infection and I had become anemic. It didn’t matter how much I said I didn’t feel right during my recovery, I ended up going to my general practitioner to find things out that my doctor never told me about in my body. I learned that I had some mild hernia. The number of issues I have faced and still face is a result of the care I was given. I was very depressed and felt like I was carrying the loss of a child and losing my uterus alone. You don’t really feel like yourself after something so traumatic. I have PTSD from my experience and my body will not ever be the same. My bladder was injured during surgery. I’ve had nothing but bladder spasms and pain. I feel so angry not knowing my risks not being educated by my doctor and not being cared for the way we all deserve to be as women, mothers, sisters, with compassion, with care, and with the highest attention of our needs.
I will always wonder what if I knew more or did extra imaging; could I have known or prevented something like this?? The answer I’m looking for is the unknown. I can blame myself; I can also blame the medical community around me that I felt had failed me, but all of it was put consistently in perspective. I have five beautiful children and I get to be with them to enjoy the life I have. I remember crying in my bed alone and my 2 year old came in and put her hand on my heart and said, “Does it hurt?”. I said yes and she just sobbed with me holding me tight. In that moment all I knew was I was lucky to have another day to hold her tight and knew my healing was just beginning on this path forward of recovery, and pushing forward to be the mom I need to be for my family.
*Citation: : Pędraszewski P, Wlaźlak E, Panek W, Surkont G: Cesarean scar pregnancy – a new challenge for obstetricians. J Ultrason 2018; 18: 56–62
I was born to a military family in Frankfurt Germany, I spent a majority of my younger years in Alaska and after several moves from base to base we settled in El Paso, TX . I met my husband when I was 20 and for over 21 years I’ve had five children and lived in 5 states finally settling in the greenbelt of Northern Dallas. I am homemaker with a big heart and deep love for my children and try to ensure they get all the things I missed out on. I would like to thank YZM (Your-Zen-Mama) for the opportunity to share my experience and journey to recovery.
You can find Melanie at @melanie.hernandez.399488