Are you often losing it on your kids: Here’s how to become an emotionally aware parent by Dr. Cindy Hovington, Ph.D.
“I will never yell at my kids” is a thought many soon-to-be parents have without realizing the chaotic emotional storm that is about to hit them. This emotional storm can come 2 weeks after the birth of their baby or 2 years later. This emotional storm is unlike any other emotion we’ve ever experienced. It is a different side of ourselves; a side we have never met before. It is a side of ourselves that might stir up some memories of our childhood or make us feel guilty.
What does emotional awareness look like?
Becoming emotionally aware is a term used in science and can be described as being attuned with our thoughts that trigger dysregulation of our nervous system and emotions. Being emotionally aware looks like the following: your partner makes a comment about the dishes not being cleaned and you think “Really! Then clean them yourself!” without saying anything out loud. Cue emotionally dysregulation aka the emotional storm! When we are more attuned with ourselves and our emotional needs, we either quickly communicate our emotional needs to someone (i.e. “I don’t think it is fair for you to get upset that the dishes are done when I have a lot on my plate this week. It would be helpful if you can take care of them for a few days to help me out”) or lean towards strategies that help us regulate our emotions (i.e. that comment annoys me, let me ask my partner for help since I may not have expressed that this week). Being aware of our emotional triggers helps prevent big outbursts since we learn how to regulate ourselves in moments of dysregulation.
How does dysregulation lead to rage?
When moments of dysregulation go unnoticed, anything can set us off. The brain is already ready in flight or flight mode, even if we don’t realize it. In fact, most of our moments of dysregulation are unconscious. Our heart rate might slightly increase or our skin might have a few unnoticed sweat particles. Failure to address this leads to maintenance of a dysregulated nervous system and in this mode, our brain is less likely to think and be rational when we experience emotions. It is primed to fight or flight! For more on dysregulation, listen to my chat with Dr. Bruce Perry.
This is partly why we might experience rage with our kids. We are so busy during the day and also can’t address many of our needs as we are parenting our kids, working etc. Also, past trauma, Adverse Childhood Experiences or mental health struggles can also lead to a dysregulated nervous system. Micro Moments of dysregulation accumulate. This is why we need to become aware of these moments and gain a little more control over our emotions.
Taking the steps towards emotional awareness:
The first step is reminding yourself that you matter and you are worthy of self-care. Seems simple, but very often this is the hardest part. We sometimes believe that giving ourselves entirely to our kids is what a perfect parent needs to do. We forget about our needs including our mental and emotional needs. This will look different for everyone, but you can start off by creating a list of what brings you joy. Self-compassion is also an important part of this equation. Showing ourselves compassion during emotionally challenging moments helps us work through these emotions more easily. You can listen to episode 3 in season 5 of the Curious Neuron podcast for more details about this (HERE).
Secondly, it is important to start noticing what dysregulated you. Many parents don’t realize that they have sensory sensitivities (and many kids have this as well). This means that small bouts of loud noise, a messy room or bright lights cause these micro moments of dysregulation. Not feeling seen or heard in a moment with a partner, family member or colleague can also lead to unnoticed dysregulation. Make a mental note of them or write it down.
Thirdly, have an action plan. When you are feeling slightly dysregulated, what CAN you do to help you regulate yourself? What brings you a feeling of connection or comfort (a picture of someone or an object that has a special meaning for you)? Who makes you feel safe? Can you text or call them in moments of distress? You can also work on emotion regulation skills such as reassessing your the situation. How can you reframe the situation? Are you making assumptions? Can you get curious about what the other person said to see if you interpreted it correctly? Can you set a boundary to protect your own emotional health?
Once you understand your triggers you can create action plans for different categories. Becoming an emotionally aware parent will take time and lots of work, but it will not only help you cope with emotions better, you will also be able to model this for your child which in turn, will protect their emotional and mental health.
If you need some support, you can download the FREE 28-page workbook called Wondergrade’s Emotionally Aware Parent.
Dr. Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. is the founder of Curious Neuron, Co-Founder of Wondergrade and host of the Curious Neuron Podcast