Babies and Bodies by Sarah Turnball

Like many people my relationship with my body image and self esteem has always been a difficult road. I have never truly felt comfortable in myself and with the images in the media, the perceptions of ‘pretty, skinny, healthy’ never felt as if I belonged in those categories either.

It took many years before I found what worked for me, I no longer worked out to ‘be skinny’ I did it to feel strong, it was a good mental release and I always felt better once the endorphins had been pumping. 

I was at my happiest physically & mentally with my body just before I fell pregnant. Still a UK 16, ‘high’ BMI (not that I personally subscribe to BMI) but I was comfortable, I was strong and then I was pregnant. 

I did weight lifting at the gym. I did the majority of my workouts solo and had no one to spot me or advise if anything I was doing would be harmful or damaging to myself or my baby so I stopped working out. I had dreamed of a baby for years; I just wanted to enjoy the new journey I was about to embark on. 

I changed up my exercise to walking, it wasn’t too strenuous as I got bigger, I was still moving my body and felt like I was able to enjoy the backseat of working out and pregnancy. Not everyone gets to experience this and I was adamant I was going to enjoy every aspect as much as I could. 

I had an emergency section with my first baby, I had a planned section with my second. There is a 2 year age gap between my son and daughter. So since 2019 I have either been pregnant, with a newborn, recovering from a section and traumatic birth, pregnant again and recovering from another section. Exercise and my ‘pre-baby body’ has been the last thing on my mind.

8 weeks postpartum with my 2nd I started yoga, instantly I loved the feeling of movement from my body after a session, the stretched out, tired muscles that had moved purely for my own intentions rather than to care for someone else for once. I naturally lost my ‘baby weight’ but I still had weight from the interim that personally I think I would feel more comfortable if I can loose. 

The ‘bounce back post baby body goal’ that we see in the media, online, is a dangerous and emotionally taxing perception when we are only focusing on if someone looks the same or better post baby compared to pre baby. We seem to have forgotten about the magnificence in what these bodies were able to do in growing these humans, carrying them, birthing them, feeding them, nurturing them, surviving this journey with them.

I am not the same person I was before I had children. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and yes physically. How can we expect our bodies to physically go back to the ‘before’ when so much more of us has changed? 

My body will never be the same again and isn’t that wonderful! 

I have a scar I didn’t used to have but from that I have 2 different but miracle of experiences I can share. I have stretch marks, loose skin, a stomach that will never be skinny or flat, bigger breasts but a bigger heart. Filled with love not just for my journey, my babies but also myself. I made these babies, I carried them, birthed them, nurtured them all inside this body that I used to wish would be like everyone else’s. 

I get dressed in a morning and my son will say, ‘aww cute mama’. Isn’t that love enough for our bodies, that something so simple as getting dressed is seen by our children as something to praise as beautiful.

Our children don’t see what we may see as flaws in ourselves, they just see their mama, their world, their comfort, their safe space.

I still look at myself sometimes and notice the changes, then change the narrative, wow, look what my body did, look what we did together and without it what I wouldn’t have, look at the story it tells, the reminders of how strong you are. 

Everyone’s body is unique, perfect, we’re not all meant to look the same. The things we conquer, illness we overcome, heartache we endure, trials we put ourselves through to reach an end goal. Fertility, pregnancy, birth, babies, comfort, feeding. We look at our children and see perfection, we look at other people and see strength, beauty, we need to look within ourselves to do the same. 

I am not saying no one should ever change, want to, life is all about change, but for the right reasons. Personally my goal is to gain strength, my lower back is in agony after my second section, carrying a chunky baby and a toddler and I know I need to address that, I’d like to feel stronger, fitter in general.

For over 3 years my body has been for my babies, it’s time to get some of my body back for me but how long that takes, the path it takes, there will be no pressure, no goals, just small adjustments here and there when time allows. 

Next time you look in a mirror and see something you feel you’re unhappy with or start to have those negative niggles, just remember what you can do, have done, will do, our bodies are so much more than appearance alone and though it’s not easy our babies only see us with love and so should we. 

I live in the UK, and am a 30-year-old stay-at-home mum of 2. I live with my husband of 10 years, my 2-year-old son and my 9-week-old baby girl. I became a stay-at-home mum after my maternity with my son due to covid but that was the best blessing as I get to spend every day raising my beautiful babies and watching them wonder at the world. My days are currently spent learning how to juggle an ever-inquisitive toddler and a newborn.