Becoming Mother: My Journey Through Matrescence by Noeline Marais

For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a mom someday. I didn’t have many other set plans or dreams, but the title “mom” would be a big part of my future.  And so, there I was… a couple of decades later and my dreams had come true. I was holding the most perfect brown-eyed baby boy, complete with 10 fingers and 10 toes. I had looked forward to this. I had planned, dreamt, read, pinned all the nursery pictures and followed every expert on Instagram. 

I was ready. 

I knew it would be hard, I knew about all the diapers and the sleep deprivation, the cold coffee and the meals in the freezer. But what everyone seemed to forget to tell me about was the real-deal, life-altering shift from “me” to “mother-me”. A shift that caught me so off guard, I could barely catch my breath. 

Where I once could only dream of being called a mother, I now felt like I was drowning in this new identity. Something so momentous, yet something very few of us are adequately prepared for. We do hours of research on what items to include on our registry list, what to pack in our hospital bag. We attend classes to learn how birth works, and prepare for breastfeeding… but can no-one spend some time preparing us for motherhood? And I don’t mean the practicalities of it, I mean the real rawness of motherhood. How our old selves are no-where to be found. How there is no self-love, because to love someone, you must know them. And this woman in the mirror is a stranger. 

Everything is unfamiliar. Nothing feels the same. Not your body, not your relationship. Definitely not your boobs. You cry at the drop of a hat, for no particular reason. Your world has shrunk, supposedly only consisting of this 10-toed, button nosed, 3.5kilogram squishy thing – who incidentally smells amazing. 

While simultaneously the world feels bigger than ever…. scary even. 

Do I dare leave the house? What if he cries and I don’t know how to soothe him? What if we get into a car crash? What if someone steals him?

No, no, best stay here. Where it’s safe. 

With two strangers in my house.

You leave the new-born days with a sense of relief… Not only have you kept your precious baby alive for a couple of months, but you’ve also gotten to know him intimately. You know now that his red eye-brows means he’s tired and the feeling of his wide-open mouth on your cheek or chin as he’s getting ready for his next feed. You know how fussy he can get in the late afternoon and which one of the 30 white noise options is his favourite for naptime.

One less stranger in the house.

Your days have formed somewhat of a rhythm, you know how to settle his cries. You leave the house with more confidence – feeding, burping, changing on the go. 

A new normal has emerged, yet you long for a little bit of your old self. Where is she? I’ll put her on ice for now, but…Will she be waiting on the other side?

The truth is, there is no other side. She may be waiting, but she will not be the same. The shift into motherhood is too big to leave you unchanged. 

We can’t expect to go through a physically challenging, psychologically demanding, life changing event and then just carry on as if nothing happened. You did not just give birth to a baby. You are not just a compilation of hormones and stretching skin. And just as you need to give yourself time and grace as you heal physically, you must allow yourself that same grace as you get to know the woman you have now become.

Your identity has shifted. 

Who you are in your family and in your community, has changed. You are called by a different name. Every relationship you’re in, is changed. You view life through a different set of lenses. Every decision you make is now colored by one key thing – how does this effect my baby?

You are now mother, mom, mama. 

Matriarch. 

Where once I viewed this as a bad thing, a bump in the road, something to be worked on and to overcome… I have realised that it’s possibly the greatest privilege in the world. It’s our superpower. Our innate ability to shape-shift, to multi-task, to care for. 

Perhaps you are now in the thick of it. The dark, scary part. The big unknown. “The where is she?” part. Perhaps you feel as though everything you do is invisible, unseen and unappreciated. Unimportant, even.

So let me remind you, mama: You are the sun your child’s whole world revolves around, the glue keeping it all together and the garden in which your little ones will bloom and grow. 

Noeline is a mother of two young boys and an internationally certified pediatric sleep and wellbeing specialist, helping parents find more sleep and rest without sleep training.

She is passionate about helping families lean into their intuition and drown out the noise, to find solutions to sleep challenges in a holistic way, while also respecting and understanding childhood development.

Her work places the attachment relationship between parent and child at the forefront and is rooted in attachment theory, biology and neuroscience.

She offers a variety of services to suit your needs, from one-on-one consultations to group coaching programs.

Find her on instagram: @root_of_restful

Website: https://rootrestful.wixsite.com/my-site

Or email her at root.restful@gmail.com