Birth Story: Adriel by Clarisse Baqué
I’m sharing the birth stories of my two sons, two births drastically different from each other and yet so very connected. One that was damaging, the second one healing. Both the best moments of my entire life.
As soon as I decided to get pregnant, I delved headfirst into a world of books, blogs, vlogs, movies, and birth stories. Anything remotely related to birth and babies had my attention. It wasn't long before I realized that I wanted a home birth—a natural, unmedicated, physiological birth with no cord clamping, immediate skin-to-skin contact, and breastfeeding.
In 2016 when I had just given birth to my first son, I discovered Teresa's pregnancy vlogs on Your Zen Mama Youtube channel. She became my ultimate motherhood role model, and you'll soon see how her influence played a pivotal role in preventing a C-section during my second birth!
Read Adriel’s birth story today, with Caleb’s coming soon.
Adriel - April 15, 2016
I got pregnant the day we decided to try, I didn’t even think it was possible so when I had pregnancy symptoms, I dismissed it. Long story short, I found out I was pregnant when I was already almost two months pregnant! But I had been having pretty intense “morning” sickness, all day and night and it intensified once I knew that I was indeed pregnant. It lasted for about four months. Other than that, everything went fine, I felt good, I didn’t put on any weight but my baby was measuring very high so they had me checked for diabetes with the glucose test twice!
We were living in a city at this point but quite far from the hospital so we decided against a home birth. I wasn’t ready for being on my own and midwives - here in France - aren’t allowed to deliver wompen at home if the nearest hospital is more than a 30 minutes drive. But I knew I wanted an unmedicated, physiological birth so I set out to find where this could happen.
I found a birth center that was one of the few existing ones at this time in France, where it was completely unmedicated, natural and exactly how I wanted it to be. All of my appointments were made there with three midwives that were phenomenal and I felt safe and happy that I could give birth how I wanted.
Fast forward to my third ultrasound at seven months pregnant. The doctor detected something that might have been an anomaly with my son's heart and suggested we consult a fetal ultrasound specialist. We did and she agreed that there seemed to be some malformation on the aorta and we had to go back a month later to see if it had evolved. Of course at this point, I’m completely panicking and on top of that, she tells me that I shouldn’t give birth in the birth center but in a hospital. And even though my priority was for my son to be okay, my world came crashing down. I met with my midwives and they told me that even though the birth center is directly attached to a hospital too, if the specialist said I should go to the high risk hospital, there was nothing they could do.
That’s how, a month prior to giving birth, I had to change all my plans and prepare to have a different birth. I handled it quite well on the surface because I just wanted my son safe and I did everything they asked. I asked if I could still birth without an epidural and they said yes. Despite the change in scenery, I held onto hope for the birth experience I envisioned.
Throughout my pregnancy, I had joked that I would give birth on April 15th (my due date was April 26th), I have no idea why! And on the 14th, I had two friends come over and I said that I would give birth tomorrow, I just felt different. I started having contractions at 10pm on the 14th! I woke my partner up at around 1am and I called the hospital to ask if I should come. She listened to my breathing for a few seconds and said YES. So I took a long shower and my partner went to get a car. We didn’t have a car at this time, living in the city, and there was a service where you take any car at a specific place with a specific code and you can leave it in another specific area. Well, that wasn’t ideal but we had fun and laughed for the whole car ride. I couldn’t sit properly during the contractions and felt very uncomfortable but we were so giddy and excited!
When we arrived at the hospital, my partner had to leave me at the ER entry and go back to put the car at its designated spot so I felt quite alone at this point. I started to worry about when he would come back but I checked in on my own. They did a little assessment and got me in a room immediately because I was already 4cm dilated.
I informed them of my birth plan, that I didn’t want the epidural etc. And after that it’s quite blurry, but I do remember that the midwives were incredibly sweet and one of them, the oldest, took such good care of me. But I also remember at one point, she told me that I would get the epidural no matter what, because of the high risk for my baby. At this time, I didn’t even question it but looking back (and having talked to loads of midwives since then), I know it could have gone differently.
I progressed quite quickly, we arrived at 3am, I was 4cm and 3 hours later I was at 7cm. That’s when they told me I would get the epidural, and after that I remember not feeling anything anymore (but I had managed my sensations so well up to that point, just breathing, I remember discomfort, but not really pain). They got me laid down (I was on a birth ball up until now), and the midwife came to help me in different positions from time to time. But everything slowed down, just like I knew it would. I was still progressing though and they manually broke my waters and at around noon, it was time to start pushing. I couldn’t feel my contractions at this point so my partner was looking at the monitor and he saw the surges so HE told me when to push, with the help of the midwives. I pushed for 20 minutes and they performed an episiotomy (my biggest fear!) then used forceps and my baby boy was born. With multiple loops of the umbilical cord around his neck that they had to cut immediately. I grabbed him myself from between my legs and that tiny moment felt so empowering compared to everything else. I had him on my chest for a second but he was blue so they got him out of the room and went back immediately and I spent two hours with him on my chest while I was being stitched up. I still had the epidural but the episiotomy stitch up was the WORST pain of everything from that birth.
We got to the room upstairs in a stretcher, I was laying down with my son on me. And I began asking questions about his heart and when we could get the ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. The nurses didn’t know and said a doctor would come. And now starts the worst moments of the day. A doctor came to my room with an intern by his side. He was so cold and unpleasant. He told me straight away “Your baby can’t stay here, he’ll have to go to the infant hospital 20km away so he can get checked. It will last up to 4 days and you can’t come with him.Someone will come get him in a few minutes.” And he just LEFT. The intern looked at me like she was about to cry, I could see she wanted to say something to soften the blow but she just followed him out. And I started crying uncontrollably, hugging my small baby so tight. My partner started crying too and we were just hugging all three of us when a nurse came into the room. She immediately asked what was happening and we explained between two sobs and she was so wonderful and caring, seven years later it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about her. She reassured us and told me that she would do everything in her power to get me to see him and be with him. I told her that we chose this hospital because we were told that no separation would occur since that was my biggest concern and I felt completely lost and betrayed. She said that if I could get up, I would have the right to go there, but it was true that I couldn’t stay the night. We kept on crying and never really got an answer as to WHY everybody had told us they had everything they needed in this birth ward to perform the appropriate exams for the heart dysfunction that my son potentially had, when in fact it wasn’t the case at all. It made me so sad and angry.
After that, a paramedic came to take my son to put him in the ambulance. This was the most painful experience when my partner took him from my arms to give him to this stranger. I had given birth just 3 hours ago. My partner wasn’t allowed in the ambulance either but was told that he could follow it. But again, we didn’t have a car. My parents arrived shortly after that to see me but I begged them to take my partner to my son because I didn’t want him to be alone. So they went. And I stayed alone in that room. Feeling so empty. Empty in my belly, empty in my arms. It felt like I had dreamt the whole thing, being pregnant, giving birth.
A lot of nurses and midwives stayed with me during this time and I felt so grateful for them, they were all so nice as they comforted me. One of them told me that she had called the infant hospital to ask if I could come tomorrow and they said yes so I felt a little bit better knowing that in the morning, we would be reunited. But still, I was so anxious about everything I couldn’t do, terrified that breastfeeding wouldn’t work for us now that we couldn’t even be together. I had all these horrible stories turning in my head. I was relieved when my family came back but excruciatingly sad for my baby alone over there. They showed me all the pictures they took of Adriel with all the littles patches and tubes on his skin and I just kept on looking at the pictures instead of sleeping and resting.
My partner was allowed to stay sleeping with me and that was a big comfort. In the morning, I tried to get up and I was still fainting and couldn’t stay up so I was scared that they wouldn’t let me see my son. The kind nurse told me that if I could manage to at least sit in a wheelchair to go there, she would make sure I would go. My episiotomy wound was so painful, I couldn’t even sit up in bed but I said yes, of course. We were supposed to leave at 11am but the nurse came back in our room at around 10am with the best news: my baby didn’t have any heart condition and he was coming back TODAY. It meant not being with him for another two hours because the paramedic would arrive at noon but it was such a relief that it wouldn’t be another 3 days, I felt ecstatic.
At noon, the paramedic arrived with our precious tiny boy in a car seat and he took him out and put him in my partner’s arm and they were both crying, it was one of those moments where you think humanity is not doomed! I got him in my arms and felt complete again. I immediately brought him to my breast and left him there for the whole day, for the next four days even. He latched on perfectly and my milk came in on day 4, my boobs went up three sizes overnight and I was in so much pain! But he was eating so well, it didn’t last too long. We ended up staying 5 days in the hospital and I was so grateful to live in a country like France where you can stay as many days as you need and it’s all covered by insurance. That was one less worry in my mind.
During the whole day, the nurses were so kind and supportive and came to see us a lot during the day. They helped me with the latch, day in and day out. And they even let me cosleep IN the hospital, which I never thought would happen! They taught me a safe way to do so and told me that we both needed it to heal. I had planned on cosleeping anyway but I didn’t think I would be allowed in the hospital. This hospital stay greatly helped us in our healing journey, as my partner had already got back to work, I was on my own as soon as I got out of the hospital so I really enjoyed every minute of the stay there.
Adriel was breastfed for two and half years, we coslept for three and a half years and he is now a healthy beautiful seven year old boy. To this day, it’s hard for me to leave him somewhere and I know the healing is not done but we have a great relationship.
Clarisse started her career in 2011 working with some incredible brands like Guerlain, which was her main client for a few years, but also Givenchy, Lancôme, Louboutin, Atkinsons, and Dior. She learned so much during those years in different Parisian agencies, alongside highly experienced art directors. She was just missing a piece of the puzzle. That piece is you. After becoming a mother, Clarisse craved more 1:1 interaction, more emotion, more feelings, as well as a business that would work with her family's needs - and that's when Soulspell Studio was brought to life.
Since then, she has worked with amazing heart-led business owners and allowed them to be more confident and tackle the big goals they had. She blends her high-end design experience with empathy, strategy & storytelling to design truly magical and magnetic brands.
Website: https://soulspellstudio.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/soulspellstudio/