Connecting Your Head and Heart 3 Ways to Increase Your Emotional Availability by Mary Crocker Cook, Ph.D., D.Min., LMFT, LAADC
Have you ever been in the room with someone you loved and felt like you were seeing them through Plexiglas? It’s the strangest feeling…present and absent at the same time.
Many of us wander through the world as observers rather than feeling fully engaged and awake. The most common reason for this is that at some point in our lives we learned that it was painful to feel and think at the same time. Staying in our head feels safer, calmer, and comfortable. In fact, we probably take pride in our logic and clarity, and are puzzled, if not alarmed, at how strongly others seem to feel about situations.
At the same time, people we genuinely love will say they don’t feel seen and heard by us and are even confused about whether or not they matter to us in any meaningful way. This is so confusing. . .WE know we love them. Why don’t they know?
They don’t know because our heart and head are disconnected, and we are only accessing one source of information. . . our thoughts. We don’t have access to our heart-based information, which limits our ability to draw from the full range of responses to the people we love.
When you connect to both your heart and your head, you have more resources to be emotionally available to people you love, and they will feel seen and heard by you more often. More intimacy becomes available to you.
Pay attention to your physical cues. When you have a tendency to live in your head, you are also unaware of valuable signals your body is sending you about the way the way you feel. Our nervous system is designed to sense the world before we describe it – we feel before we think. This is designed this way to keep up safe in the world and allows us to “read” a situation quickly for self-protection. I can “sense” the bear before he eats me!
Attach feeling language to what you are sensing in your body. Many of us grew up in situations where people acted without explanation, or feelings were not valued as valid information. We do not have a large feelings vocabulary, so we will need to expand the way we label, or describe, the sensations we are having. For example, I can be in a conversation with someone and feel my chest begin to feel a little tighter and then realize I have stopped taking deep breaths. I may even be holding my breath. Then I can ask myself, “What’s going on here?” and say. “Wait a second, I am feeling overwhelmed here. Maybe even a little scared. I need to slow down and catch my breath.” When we do this, we are providing valuable information to the person we are with and allows them to feel closer to us.
Sit still when you feel exposed and wait. When you access your head and heart at the same time, you are giving people information and insight into you, which may feel somewhat threatening. This is especially true if this is new for you. Your instinct may be to retreat to your head and “talk about” your feelings instead of feelings. It is helpful in these moments to sit and pause. Just still and remind yourself that feeling uncomfortable is not an emergency!
I hope you will give these steps a try and take small risks with the people who love you. The goal is not to swing towards being completely “emo,” but to reveal more of yourself. Remember, as you feel seen and heard your heart connects.
Mary Crocker Cook, Ph.D., D.Min., LMFT, LAADC is licensed therapist in San Jose, CA and developer of Attached Infused Addiction Treatment® and author of multiple books on attachment, addiction, and codependency. For more information visit www.marycrockercook.com