Creating the Perfect Holiday Experience For Your Kids After a Divorce
Just because you and your ex maintain separate households does not mean you are not still a family, as you are both still the parents of your children and always will be. This article will provide three essential techniques and strategies you can use to help your children have a joyous holiday experience despite your divorce.
The technique will be the action you commit to taking. The strategy will be the approach you take to implement that action successfully.
Keep in mind that every family situation is different, so tweak these tips to fit yours. And while implementing these techniques and strategies may not be easy, it will be well worth it when you both see your children experiencing the joy of the holidays.
Technique #1: Put Aside Your Differences and Arguments, Past and Present, for the Sake of Your Children’s Holiday Experience.
Strategy #1: Talk with Your Ex.
Without having an open dialog with your ex, you cannot hope to know what sort of holiday you will have. If you are newly divorced or separated and still working out the child custody and child support issues, this may be emotionally difficult if there is lingering anger or resentment over the breakup and conflict about how to move forward.
It is more important at this stage than at any other to talk with your ex about how you two can ensure that your children have the holiday experience they deserve. After all, the divorce is not their fault! As their parents and the adults in the room, you two must take charge of the situation.
If you and your ex struggle to have even just a civil, much less meaningful conversation, you may need to enlist the help of a mutual friend, a therapist, or a mediator to come to an agreement about how to approach the holidays.
If you have had separate households for some time and you two have reached detente, so to say, it may be easier for you to have this conversation. However, if you share custody and decision-making power, inevitably disputes arise that must be settled. If you are in the midst of one of those occasional disputes, either hash it out prior to the holidays or put the issue aside until the holidays pass.
Technique #2: Plan Ahead With Your Ex to Set the Holiday Schedule and Expectations.
Strategy #2: Start to Discuss the Holidays with Your Ex in Advance.
If you and your ex did not settle the question of where the children will be on the holidays as part of your child custody agreement, you will have to hash out a schedule that is fair to the kids, that gives you each an appropriate amount of parenting time, and that includes extended family members.
Ideally, the whole family, including grandparents and other extended family members, could be included in one celebration. Not every family can do that, especially if the divorce or separation is in its early months or years or was especially contentious.
If your child custody agreement does not settle the question, you and your ex will have to discuss and decide where the children will be on which holiday, for which meal, where they will be staying overnight, and what sort of celebration is expected. You and your ex should agree to a rough draft of the holiday schedule in advance, with periodic check-ins as the holiday approaches to ensure that everyone is still on board.
If you two have a preliminary agreement in place, it is a simple matter to adjust it if something comes up. Be flexible. The holidays can be difficult, especially if you are feeling emotional about memories of holidays past when you were one family, or if a relative has recently died. Having a plan and sticking to it will provide structure to the holiday experience, something everyone probably needs, including your children.
Be sure to let your children in on the schedule so they know what to expect. Let them be excited about it.
Technique #3: Promise to Get Along and Celebrate with a Festive Spirit on the Holiday.
Strategy #3: Enlist the Help of Your Ex and All Extended Family Members to Collectively Commit to Proactively Celebrating the Holiday.
You might do this with a group email to make sure everyone gets the same message at the same time. Use direct and calming language to ask everyone’s help in making sure the children have the holiday they deserve, despite any tensions among adults. Assume that everyone will have the children’s best interests in mind and approach the family that way.
Your email might include the schedule you and your ex have agreed to. If you cannot have one big celebration for whatever reasons, invite relatives to each household’s celebrations accordingly. Be sure to emphasize that you and your ex are looking forward to seeing and spending time with everyone and that they are an important part of your children’s lives.
If there is gift-giving involved, it is appropriate for parents to set a spending limit. Secret Santa arrangements are common among adult family members, where everyone picks a single relative to buy a gift for. If a celebratory meal is involved, be sure to inquire about dietary restrictions and ask if anyone would like to contribute a favorite holiday dish.
There can be no doubt that your extended family feels unsure about their role in your children’s lives after you two separated. Making an effort to include everyone in the planning and execution of the holiday schedule and celebration will help them feel closer and more familiar. This can only be a good thing for your children.
In short, children’s holiday experience must be everyone’s priority. If all adults involved behave accordingly, your children will have the holiday they deserve.
Veronica Baxter is a blogger and legal assistant living and working in the great city of Philadelphia, USA. She frequently works with Lee Schwartz, a noted child custody lawyer.