I’m a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist, and I still couldn’t talk about my Prolapse by Caitlin Ford
I’m a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist, and I still couldn’t talk about my Prolapse.
I vividly remember the moment; it was four years ago as I passed my two-week-old to my husband and turned to use the cafe bathroom when I felt ‘The Drop’. I was 26 at the time, a pelvic floor physiotherapist and new mum to two week old Otto who was delivered vaginally at a whopping 4.5kg. I rushed into the bathroom to confirm the inevitable - a prolapse. I felt my heart sink and my world collapse.
Immediately feelings of shame, failure, embarrassment and self blame rushed in as I went into fix-it mode. Being a pelvic floor physio, I immediately booked an appointment with the closest practitioner and attended that night, driving one hour in my fragile state with my tiny baby boy to be told that yes my prolapse wasn’t great and that I needed to be really careful. Walking away from that appointment, my greatest fears were confirmed. I was broken, my body was embarrassing, and I probably shouldn't talk about what was going on with anyone for fear of freaking them out. I proceeded to keep my cards close to my chest and didn’t tell my close friends, or my family or anybody. I barely spoke about it with my husband in case he would think I was now damaged and leave me for someone else.
It seemed ironic that I was so highly educated on the biomechanics and anatomy of the pelvis, I knew that one in two women will be diagnosed with pelvic organ prolapse in their lifetime, yet I had no idea of the emotional burden and deep feelings of shame a diagnosis like this would carry. Slowly, slowly I began to physically heal, to a point where unless I checked I would not know the prolapse was there. But to my unfortunate surprise the shame and embarrassment remained. And it made me mad. It made me start to ask questions. Like why was this my emotional response?? Why did I feel so much shame?? Why did it feel like this was all my fault and somehow I had failed the test of childbirth and early motherhood and just being a woman in general???? This ‘injury’ came from the moment in my life where I have never been stronger, more powerful, more brave and yet this is still how I was left feeling.
And I started to realise the cultural narrative around the perinatal period is still one that is shrouded in shame and secrecy and self blame. No matter how the story goes, women are left feeling incomplete. Whether they have needed a caesarean section, experienced pregnancy loss, are unable to breastfeed their baby, they feel shame and isolation.
It’s now four years on, I’ve had another baby, I’ve thought a lot about this, and I’m ready to talk. During a walk recently with a close friend she said - you should talk about this on a podcast - so using my husband’s podcast equipment I released a 10 minute episode talking about my experience living with prolapse and released it into the universe (or the apple podcast app). I posted about the episode on my old work instagram (which I never used and had about 200 followers) and immediately received messages of “me too, me too!” and “thankyou for talking about this”. It made me cry, it made me feel less alone, and it gave me hope. The podcast episode went to number four on the health and medical chart and people continued to message me. And do you know what? The shame began to lift, it can really only survive in the darkness. It made me start to reevaluate my experience of living with prolapse. This body alteration of being one that can be reframed as my greatest strength. A daily reminder to take care of myself, not to push myself too hard mentally or physically, an experience that has provided me with empathy and connection to women all around me, a reminder of that time in my life where I have never been stronger or more powerful.
It’s also made me think, if we as women can talk in an honest and open way. A way where there is no judgement or blame, could we change the cultural narrative around pregnancy, birth and beyond? And celebrate the outcome no matter what it looks like? Just a thought...
Photo by @film.mums
My name is Caitlin Ford and I am a Pelvic Floor and Women's Health Physiotherapist from Victoria, Australia.
I have a special interest in the connection between emotional, physical and spiritual health during the perinatal period.
I have started my own podcast "Stories of Women's Health" that shares stories of challenges faced in the perinatal period, and looks at them as an opportunity for spiritual growth.