Interview with Tara Fass and Judith A. Proffer; authors of new children's book 'When We Stayed Home'
A global pandemic has been a new experience for all of us, it's something that has been quite challenging, difficult and frustrating as adults to wrap our heads around, let alone navigating how to speak to our children about it and manage their concerns and emotions. Enter: Tara Fass, LMFT and Judith A. Proffer, who have written and just released 'When We Stayed Home' which explores how children cope during a pandemic. It was inspired by Judith's five-year-old nephew who navigated quarantine with adventure, imagination, heart and tears.
Written for ages 3-8, Tara and Judith hope to help children deepen the capacity to see themselves in their hero, to cheer themselves on to get out of their own way, and make the most out of a bad situation. This beautiful book was written to help children navigate their emotions, openly share their feelings and ultimately remind them that they are resilient and not alone.
We chat with Tara and Judith about the messaging of the book, the writing process and coping through COVID-19. We hope you enjoy this interview and we highly recommend picking up a copy of this beautiful book for story time!
How have you coped during COVID-19?
TARA: By focusing on gratitude and how to be an agent of good in the world for people who surround me and beyond. Sometimes that means needing to say no to "in person" contact while remaining connected in meaningful and new ways. Valuing what I’ve always valued most, human to human connection. That’s helped me to be brave - remembering to remember and not let whatever 'will be will be' have the last word.
JUDITH: My husband and I had just returned from three extraordinary back-to-back journeys when COVID-19 brought life as we know it to a grinding halt. We had spent two weeks in Africa (gorilla trekking in Uganda), two weeks exploring Australia, then two weeks in Antarctica. Bold, life-shifting journeys they all were. The pandemic/quarantine has been a decidedly inward journey. Being still, being of service to others, being productive in ways that both fulfil and calm, and being with loved ones without physically being with them. I’m a hugger by nature, so that’s been a huge adjustment. It’s been important for me to not just weather this time, not to hurriedly fill the hours, but to make it count. I’m not learning new languages, Marie Kondo-ing my closets and drawers or baking countless loaves of bread (I have, however, made vats of coconut banana tapioca pudding!). Although I certainly applaud and even envy those who have. I've been writing postcards for "get the vote out" grassroots non-profits, connecting with family and friends by phone, zoom, texts, emails and even hand-written U.S. Postal Service delivered letters, and in addition to spending countless hours on this book I co-authored a book that will benefit Broadway Cares. Being of service to others always takes you outside of yourself. It offers perspective and purpose. It’s important to remain in gratitude, especially while missing family and friends and simple pleasures. Especially while being empathic to all of the unfathomable amount of loss, illness, sadness, and fear. And my niece and Lucas (the inspiration for this book) live just five minutes away. They are in our pool four or five days a week so we’re able to be together. I’ve had a masked and front row seat to see him evolve from playfully splashing with water wings to swimming formidable laps and mastering cannonballs. Six months is a long span in the life of a child, so many changes and so much evolution, and watching him grow, and interfacing with both of them - even at a distance - has been a tremendous salve to a hug-deprived and battered spirit. The mask may temper the virus, but it doesn’t temper love and the joy of a new version of togetherness. My book business occupies a lot of my time, pivoting to a new business model when book signings, events and parties are currently off the table. And lot of walks, swimming laps, tending to my garden, reading a bunch, playing Sequence with my husband, yoga and pilates, and distanced visits in the garden with a very small pod of girlfriends (one at a time) who are also living by the guidelines, all helps to quiet the monkey mind that could otherwise be occupied 24/7 with the horror of it all.
Your book has such an important message and is broken down beautifully for children to understand this surreal time we are living in around the world, why was it important for you to put this book out into the world?
TARA: I believe the best is still yet to come. I must. That message is hard to hold onto, especially in tough times. Being part of the positive changes I want to see in myself and as a role model for others can be challenging when we’re coping with our own feelings. Anything that looks easy probably isn’t. The progress is to get out of our own way for now and to come.
JUDITH: It’s humbling to witness the sacrifices so many are making to harness this beast of a virus, to calm the massive amounts of uncertainty within us all. I needed to do something, even tossing a pebble in the roaring and unpredictable ocean that is COVID-19. If this book can ease parents into conversation with their little ones, can help children understand this isn’t just happening to them, that it’s impacting all children and that they’re not alone in this, and if it can offer some cheer and comfort and honor resiliency, then its mission is served.
How did this collaboration come about? What was the writing process like?
JUDITH: The notion of this book was nearly a calling, to create something to assist young children with all of this uneasiness. Knowing what a talented writer Tara is, knowing what a great big tender heart she has, knowing the work she has done for decades and continues to do with families, I knew she would be the ideal collaborator. I shared my idea with her moments after inspiration hit and she jumped aboard without hesitation. Tara reviews films from a therapist's point of view for OnMogul. So I knew she would bring both a therapist's and a parent's viewpoint to our work. It was essential for me to collaborate with a therapist, not to deploy a cache of buzzy therapy words but to make certain the prose is authentic and connects. I knew I could write for Lucas, I wanted to make sure this would appeal to a large swath of children. We had a standing zoom date every week, and in-between shuttled many, many, many emails back and forth. We labored and ping ponged over every word. We aimed to write something relatable and real and helpful, not fancy or even poetry. Our illustrator lives in the mountains in Japan so I would work with her in the evenings and by morning I would have a rendering to share with Tara. The illustrations are key to telling our super-helper’s story. They move me.
What inspired the character and overall message?
JUDITH: My nephew Lucas inspired our super-helper. For four years, he was with us in our home two days a week while his parents worked. When Lucas was around two years-old he was in our garden tub, fully clothed, getting a closer look at a peace plant. Even though I had a stabilizing hand on his shoulder, his little sneaker lost its grip on the ceramic and he slipped all of one inch - at most. For two years he talked about “slipping in the tub,” eyes wide with great drama. It was amusing but also a reminder of how even things we consider incredibly insignificant can stay with a child for a very long time. So I imagined how gargantuan this would be to him. To all children. A handful of weeks into the pandemic, I saw the sadness in his eyes in us not being able to cuddle, in having to maintain “distance,” of not going to pre-school and seeing his friends. Even early on he would say “when the virus goes away, we'll have a sleepover.” Or “when the virus goes away I’ll go inside your house and play in the toy room.” And I had to hold back a generous sob building in my throat when he said “Juju, when the virus goes away I’ll give you the biggest hug ever. Don’t worry, I won’t let you down." I also saw his resourcefulness, and the resourcefulness of his mother. He fished in his garden, made silly faces, had crazy hair days, did lots of activities. All things that are in the book. Children are extraordinary They are humans who don’t edit. They experience feelings without filters. Some days I would so love to tantrum, weep with or without cause or be the very silliest version of myself. Children are resilient and I feel it’s important to punctuate that. They’re also very tender, experience very big feelings and even though they don’t always have the words or understanding to express these feelings they still very much experiencing adult-grade fear, longing, uncertainty, confusion. I wanted to do create something to help ease his way. I didn’t want to let him down.
What would you say are the key messages throughout the book?
JUDITH: Resiliency, finding joy in the moment, holding onto hope, tapping into creativity and imagination and knowing it’s really ok to feel all the feelings. The book also shifts the experience from the pandemic happening to them to being a super-helper, to being part of the solution and healing.
How is it best to speak to children about COVID-19 to allow them to understand without sparking fear or further anxieties?
TARA: I would say as much as possible to stay close to what they are asking and to bring it up as they do, especially if, let's say, you learn about COVID-19 being the "worst thing that happened to them all year." I know a newly minted 6 year-old who wrote this in her journal. If they are talking or writing about it then you must give them a wide berth to speak with them. Let them do most of the talking. Really try to listen without lecturing or too much cheerleading. Be, stay, curious, don't gloss over what they're bringing up, don't lead them, let them lead. You don't need to have all the answers. Just hear them out. They need to vent. Be Venus, not Mars. Calmly let then know you too are learning from COVID-19. Let them know you have each other, that you’re getting through this together. There's a saying in my current line of work that goes, "Whatever is not understood will be acted out." If they're talking about fears, just listening can help them feel safe. In the talking is the understanding, even self soothing. They need to stay calm even when they're not. Also keep in mind their sense of time. A 4 to 6 year-old probably understands the concept of tomorrow. From 6-7 the day after or before tomorrow. By 7-8 a child probably can understand a month, next year maybe even infinity. When a child loses a pet or a person at this age they understand it's forever.
It's been hard as adults to grasp the concept of COVID-19 and quarantine, what do you think the mental health implications have been on children during this complicated time?
TARA: We must strive for normalcy even in these crazy times by bringing all of our awareness, depth, research, and years of experience to the task of setting a good example for the sponges, the little ones we were tasked with protecting when we brought them into this world of ours. We need some alone time and so do they. We know this is not normal, for them it’s more normal because they live in a far more present way of being than we do. We look to the past, we look to the future, they are very much tethered to the now. How we help them navigate this will have great impact on their long-term mental health. We need to be mindful and aware every single day.
What is the best action to take when children experience trauma?
TARA: To make meaning out of it. To answer their questions. To attune. Not lead. Be curious. Really think together what happened. Don’t gloss over the hard parts. It’s essential to be open and to keep talking about it as much as the child wants and needs to. What may feel like an endless loop to us is a very profound way to process the experience of events to them.
How do we best counteract frustrations in our children that arise from quarantine and restrictions that are in place?
TARA: Align with them! Acknowledge how sucky it has been. Acknowledge how they’ve been good troopers. It’s such a hard time for everyone. We come from a long line of adapters. We’re still here.
What do you think children will most remember from this time?
TARA: So much. Whatever they bring to the table, I will meet them with curiosity and concern.
JUDITH: I think they’ll remember that there were a lot of rules. Wearing masks, washing hands, social distancing, who you can and cannot see, where you can and cannot go, what you can and cannot touch. But children like and even crave structure, so I’m hoping it won’t be too overwhelming of a memory. I think they’ll remember a whole lot of time being at home. I think they’ll have a stronger imprint of the details of their home environment, perhaps even more so than we adults do of our own childhood homes. They’re more likely to remember the specialness of milestone events during this time because of the extra effort people are making. Birthday parades, zoom parties, and the like. I believe the more comfortable families are in discussing the impact of COVID-19 and the quarantine, the less real estate this will negatively claim on their childhood narrative. Many children may remember this “staying home” period as lots of time spent with family. Others may remember it as a fearful time if their experience is hushed conversation about it among adults, televisions snapped off during news reports, and the like. We’re all writing our personal history, our human history, and how our children remember this time is a by-product of how safe they feel, how open the conversation is and what was done to expand their life experiences among the chaos. I hope they’ll remember feeling hopeful.
Where can we purchase a copy?
Amazon.com and other online booksellers like Barnes & Noble, Target, etc.
You can follow along with When We Stayed Home on Instagram here.