Is It Equal by Sarah Turnball

Watching the relationship between my son and daughter grow has filled my heart more than I thought was possible. I was already so in love with my little boy when he came along. That only increased when my little girl came 2 years later. Loving them individually is all encompassing, but l feel like my heart could burst when I watch the two of them together.

My daughter is obsessed with her big brother. I knew she would be. Her eyes have always followed him everywhere, now she has started crawling she actually follows him everywhere! My little boy is the sweetest, softest soul, but I did fear his reaction to a new baby. He is a mummy’s boy, he had my sole attention for his 2 years, him and I for everything and now he was having to share me.

Watching him with his sister is magical. There is no other word to explain it. He is caring, patient, he plays with her, shares with her, wants to help with her. A huge turnaround from when she was first brought home and he would just look at her like the noisy little thing that always cries.

As a mother to two, I do my best to ensure that I am present for my babies whenever they need me. Some days it’s hard and the mum guilt really hits me. Different stages require different degrees of attention. My son went through potty training back in April so he had a lot of focus to help him through that. Days when I feel like all I did was put the baby down or try to find a toy to entertain her so I can do something else or help him.

That baby hasn’t stayed a baby long. We are fast approaching her 1st birthday and we are on the move. She can crawl, she can crawl at some speed too, and she’s getting more confident in pulling herself up to furniture walk. So that means constant supervision. She, unlike my son also likes to be held to sleep.

My little boy is very much like me, he likes his space, he likes to fall asleep organically, my daughter is the opposite. She likes to fall asleep being held, fights it as much as she can, and needs to be in her room alone or she’s too busy trying to watch everyone to fall asleep.

This has been tricky to navigate, feeling like I’m letting my son down when trying to put her to bed is taking longer than planned. Letting him play in his room or watch his tablet alone so I can get her to sleep. The guilt that I’m asking a 2-year-old to entertain himself to see to his sister. When he comes sneaking into her room to see if I’m done, knowing he needs to be quiet but not wanting to be left out. I have tried other methods to get her to sleep, but I am not a parent who can leave my child to ‘cry it out’ and that’s what works for us.

As the weather gets warmer my son wants to play outside, which is great for him but our garden is not quite set up for a crawling baby. So it’s hoovering at the doorway trying to be present and play as much as I can with my son while making sure the baby hasn’t crawled over to the plug socket I’ve pulled her away from for the 1000th time.

Sometimes when he asks me to come play with him and I’ve finally sat down the mum guilt kicks in, the tiredness, the ‘I just need 5 minutes’. We get up, we do, we carry on. Only now I feel guilty for thinking it. Even when he is happily playing, not a care in the world he is enjoying his solo play I still feel guilty, like I am letting him down by not being by his side 24/7.

I have to remind myself that solo play is good development for him, he quite often takes himself off to behind his favourite chair to play alone. This has always been his way, when he wants me to play I do, we sit and have our one-on-one time when the baby is sleeping. I am always aware that it is not as long as it used to be. That this little boy is still the centre of my world, but his sister is right there with him now. He is not alone.

We are going through a ‘mummy do’ stage right now also, which I know in my heart is just a phase but again that mum guilt creeps in and makes me wonder if it’s because I’m not spending enough time with him, is it his way of letting me know he needs more from me. He’s missing something from me? It’s a lot more obvious when the baby wants me, she’s either screaming, holding her arms out or crawling up my leg. Yes, there are times he starts copying her behaviour too as he knows that is what is getting my attention on that moment and I go with it, I encourage it, if he’s feeling the need for more I want him to know that’s ok. Especially as he’s only just starting to understand the words associated with how we’re feeling.

It is hard, it’s hard to be in the moment and see past the mum guilt, the hours of uninterrupted one-on-one time we used to have which now feels like it’s never enough. The trips to the shops just he and I, the 10 minutes of one on one play when the baby is asleep, no distractions, no phones, a minimum of 10 minutes of undivided attention.

Some may think I pander to his need of ‘mummy do’ and I would agree, but I’m ok with that, he will not always want mummy, he is already so independent in wanting to learn and do things for himself, one day he will stop asking. I want him to know it’s ok to ‘be a little bit sad’ even if he starts to say I am the cause of that because I want him to own his feelings and feel safe to voice them all with no judgement, it’s something I am learning to do alongside him. What I am struggling with is quietening the voice of guilt. We’ve all been there, we’ve all suffered the not-so-nice thoughts of how we’re parenting or about ourselves when we’re the most tired, the most touched out, the most exhausted.

I know my children are thriving. I just have to look at them to see they are happy, healthy, beautiful growing souls but the doubt never goes away. It’s something you don’t read in the baby books, we think to prepare for pregnancy, for birth, for how to raise our children, how to teach and encourage but the encouragement on how to do that for ourselves as with everything when you become a mum becomes a 2nd thought, a do it later if I have time thought, maybe tomorrow. We are not taught how to deal with the guilt, the doubt, the second guessing, when we are our most exhausted, busy, drained.

I am learning to push those thoughts aside, try to counteract the guilt with the truth, accept the highs and the lows without getting stuck in the lows. Parenting is a marathon not a race and we’ll burn out too quickly if we can’t see how amazing we are as humans to parent in whatever way suits you and your family on a daily with no how to guide! Happy, healthy, thriving babies is the goal. If we’re doing that, it doesn’t matter the how, where, why, we’re already doing it right.

I live in the UK, and am a 30-year-old stay-at-home mum of 2. I live with my husband of 10 years, my 2-year-old son and my 9-week-old baby girl. I became a stay-at-home mum after my maternity with my son due to covid but that was the best blessing as I get to spend every day raising my beautiful babies and watching them wonder at the world. My days are currently spent learning how to juggle an ever-inquisitive toddler and a newborn.