In Fall of 2015, I was asked to sit on the panel of a new show. For a girl from Fort Worth Texas, who spoke English as her second language, let me tell you, it was a dream come true. But when the imposter syndrome kicked in, I would walk to the bathroom at the end of the hall and give myself a pep talk before I went on-air. One morning right before we went live, as I was being my own best hype woman, my cell pone rang. My stomach dropped as soon as I saw the number on my screen. It was my OBGYN calling with results from my bloodwork.

Women are born with around 2 million eggs, which is all the eggs they’ll ever have. At the onset of menopause, most women only have around a thousand left. My doctor called to share that at just 35 years young, my hormone levels indicated I could be dangerously close to that number.

She followed up with the one question that changed the course of the next 6 years.

Do you want to be a mother?

I still get emotional just saying that question out loud because up until that moment, I hadn’t really thought about it. I was never the kind of woman who picked out her children’s names, imagined her nursery or “ooohd” and “ahhhhd” at baby showers.

I was the career girl. I was the woman who prioritized my job above almost all else. Now here I was broken, on a bathroom floor, crying over something I never realized I wanted so badly. When I finally composed myself, I answered her question with a resounding YES. But my journey to motherhood would not come easily. Infertility would/had decided to take agency over my body. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and didn’t want anyone to know so I made a decision to keep my diagnosis as private as possible.

Over the next few years I saw every specialist, acupuncturist, nutritionist and holistic advisor I could find. I wore socks in the middle of the summer, I stopped eating from plastic anything, banned refined sugar, drank all the smelly teas and followed every fertility diet on the planet, hoping for a miracle.

Hundreds of needles filled sharps containers in my kitchen cabinets. Each one was a testament to the battle I was fighting -- tiny swords I wielded each day in my war on infertility. I saw 3 different IVF specialists in New York and after a dozen failed attempts, flew across the country to Denver looking for a hail Mary. Months turned to years, and before I knew it, we had lost 7 embryos. I was starting to lose track of all the appointments, ultra sounds, blood draws. I started to lose track of myself.

When you're battling infertility, a bad day feels unbearable. A good day still feels hopeless. Each failed cycle made me question myself - was I was woman-enough, good-enough, or even committed enough to get pregnant? Could we be happy if life were just the two of us? Was I enough?

There were days when I couldn't see through my tears and moments when I declared I was done. I can’t do this again. You see, infertility does that to you. It pushes you right to the brink and just when you think you can't possibly subject yourself to more loss, you wake up the next day and realize that you’re more warrior than woman and you find the faith and courage necessary to try again.

For me, faith came in the form of one word. I remember walking off set, defeated after yet another negative pregnancy test when a co-worker came over and gave me a hug. I had shared with her in confidence that I had been going through IVF and that morning she could see the heartache behind my “tv” smile. She took my hand in hers, leaned in and whispered, "surrender".

Her simple instruction started a seismic shift in the acceptance of my journey – I learned how to release the idea of pregnancy and instead opened my heart to parenthood. I stopped obsessing over the statistics that would never be in my favor. My worth wouldn’t be tied to a follicle count or an FSH level, because no matter what the numbers said, I had always been worthy of becoming a mother.

IVF robbed me of so many things, but I promised myself when we were blessed with a baby, no matter how that blessing came into our life, it would not rob me of my voice. I would proudly share my journey in hopes of reframing the narratives and stigmas surrounding infertility.

On Election Day 2020, we transferred one of our last embryos. As they wheeled me into the room, I did my best to let go. I closed my eyes and surrendered to our greatest wish of all, just to be parents.

Santi spent 6 years living in our hearts and on July 19th 2021, our brave beautiful boy came into this world and healed my heart. Every night, I feel his tiny body relax and somehow grow so heavy in my arms. I can see the outline of his beautiful lashes, that perfect nose and his little lips pursed together somehow telling me without words; mama thank you. I’m safe. And happy and so loved.

IVF showed me how to grieve and grow. It taught me the power of prayer. And that faith arrives when you face your biggest fears. I learned there’s freedom in forgiveness and above all, how to find boundless strength in vulnerability.

Lilliana is known as one of the fashion blogging OGs, and has carried many titles - from blogger to style expert, TV commentator to television host on E!. The enterprising star has curated a career that began from her small blog (CheapChicas.com), which she launched in 2008, to being seen by millions daily on numerous platforms including NBC TODAY, "Extra" to "The Talk," "Rachael Ray," "The Wendy Williams Show" and "Steve Harvey." Today, she’s at PEOPLE (The TV Show) as a Special Contributor covering all things entertainment, red carpets, runways, and celebrity pop culture news.

Born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas, to a Puerto Rican father and Mexican mother, Lilliana is a first-generation Latinx who radiates gratitude for the dedication and sacrifices that her family made for her. Among the first in her family to attend college, she graduated from George Washington University, where she earned a double-major in international business and entrepreneurship. Lilliana has always used her platform to advocate for her community, and fight for Latinx representation in media and entertainment, as well as raise awareness on social issues.

In April of 2021, Lilliana announced she was pregnant with her first child, after battling with six years of infertility and IVF. After living this experience, Lilliana wishes to use her voice and platform to break the taboo around infertility and how it affects the Latinx community. In July 2021, Lilliana announced the birth of her healthy baby boy, Santiago “Santi” Merrick McGrath. Lilliana hopes to continue sharing about her journey to motherhood, the lessons, the challenges and hope with other mothers and those who hope to experience motherhood one day.

IG: @lillianavazquez

Lilliana Vazquez: Her infertility and IVF Experience