Loving Boundaries for Sleep for thriving families by Kaela Kajiyama, Pediatric Sleep Consultant

It’s no secret that as parents we are constantly in the pursuit of more rest and quality sleep for our children and ourselves. When we are dealing with long, drawn out bedtimes, relentless middle of the night demands and missed naps, we can be left in pure exhaustion mode and unsure how to get off the hamster wheel. Whatever your sleep goals are, there is hope for change. 

Understanding Sleep Needs 
The first step in thriving sleep is to understand your child’s sleep needs. These needs change from early toddlerhood to preschool age, so understanding them is important if you’re going to be realistic about sleep expectations and results.

Toddlers between 1-2 years old will need around 10-11 hours of overnight sleep and between 1-3 hours of daytime sleep. 

From 12-18 months, their sleep will transition from two naps to single, middle of the day nap. At this point, naps will total between 2-3 hours on average. 

When children transition into two years of age, sleep needs change and can often affect bedtime or naps. The nap need goes down to 1-2 hours in a day. If you see bedtimes are a struggle, make sure the nap isn't too long.

Between 3-4 years old need 10-13 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. Many children drop their nap or parents will drop the nap when it begins to affect bedtime. If your little one is in preschool or daycare you may have less control over naps, so adjusting bedtime a little later can help to offset this issue. 

Struggles with Boundaries and Sleep
When I work with families of toddlers and preschoolers amidst sleep issues, the common reasons parents report for not instituting or maintaining sleep boundaries include:

-Unsure what boundaries to implement.

-Uncertainty about schedules or what sleep needs to look like

-Trying for a night or two and seeing no success

-Very uncomfortable with the push back from children when changes are made

-Exhaustion (most common) where the path of least resistance is easiest

Why Boundaries?
Boundaries help young children feel safe and understand expectations. Implementing and following through with boundaries consistently allows for children to know what to expect and adapt to the flow of daily life even beyond bedtime and naps. 

Boundaries also help children to identify and understand their own needs along with the needs of others. In the family unit, routines and boundaries allow for the family unit’s needs to be met, thus helping families thrive.

Implementing Sleep Boundaries
Understanding the need for boundaries is one thing, implementing them is an entire other feat. No worries here, with deep breathes and commitment, you can institute boundaries and see results in sleep. 

First, know where you want to make changes in child’s sleep. 

Next, decide what is and isn’t working for sleep in the area you want to change.

Below we will explore how boundaries for sleep can help your family thrive and how to help implement these boundaries in a loving, supportive way.

#1 Child coming out of bed or bedroom at bedtime.
If your child is coming out of their bed at bedtime, decide your boundary point. We want to eliminate power struggles such as closing the door, getting out of bed, lights on or off and so on. 

When children are no longer in their cribs and can move freely in their sleep space, creating a new boundary line helps dramatically in the bedtime process. For many families this involves a baby gate in the doorway so the bedroom is now the boundary line, and the expectation is that the child stays in the bedroom. This is more realistic than expecting them to stay in the bed sometimes. 

If your child has access to leave the room at bedtime, then you have to set the expectation that it is bedtime and return them to their bedroom. 

You can do this by sitting right outside of the bedroom or elsewhere and walk them back to bed, calmly, minimal emotion and let them know it’s time for sleep. You may do this for upwards of hours when you first create this boundary, but it does get better. The coming out of the room becomes less alluring and the expectation to stay in the room is maintained by the parent. 

#2 Child is requesting presence of parents + other requests at bedtime.
Decide your limit of what you’re willing to do and what the routine is and stick to that, kindly reminding of the routine when other requests are made. 

Once you decide, it’s time to implement. At bedtime, sit with your child as you usually would, this time excusing yourself at a specific time point. Let your child know you will be back to check on them and that it’s bedtime. 

When you leave their bedroom, start with small amounts of being gone and return to them to sit for a few minutes, reassuring them that it is time for sleep and you are there for them. Leave the room again and continue until they are asleep. 

If your chid is coming out of the room at this time, follow the above tips for leaving the room.

#3 Child is coming to parents’ bed in the middle of the night. 
If you find yourself bringing your little one to your bed in the middle of the night and would like to change that, the simplest way for most is to first, be with your child in their desired sleep space. 

Hold the boundary that you won’t be leaving their bedroom but you will be with them in their room. You can do so by laying next to their bed for the frist few nights, sitting in their room or whichever works best for you. Again, initially you’ll be changing their sleep space as the new boundary, and then can follow above steps to help phase out your presence. 

#4 Making sleep non-negotiable
Make sleep a non-negotiable event but rather a need. Asking children when they want to go to sleep, allowing delays at bedtime and being inconsistent with boundaries can perpetuate sleep issues.

You can simplify this by remembering: it is time for sleep, that’s it. Nothing more or less. You’re supporting your child, you’re staying consistent and you’re helping them understand and adjust to the simple fact that it’s sleep time. 

Big feelings and push back are common when making changes. Holding space for these feelings while staying firm and consistent is a way to support your child, keeping in mind that the consistency will go far. 

Remember-consistency goes so far, but it’s okay to change what doesn't work.

As a sleep specialist and consultant, I have worked with thousands of families from all sorts of situations. For majority of families, deciding an approach and being very consistent for 1-3 weeks will show results. 

However, it’s important to remember that your child and family is yours and yours to decide what’s best. If something feels off or a basic approach just isn’t clicking, it’s okay to change it up or seek help. 

Give yourself time, permission and patience. Loving boundaries for sleep gives the gift of rest for not only yourself, but your child and entire family. 

Kaela Kajiyama is a Pediatric Sleep Consultant and owner of Sustainable Sleep Co. She's worked with families for over 15 years, supporting families from the earliest days into early childhood. She takes an individual family approach to sleep support and believes when families are rested, they can thrive. Kaela lives in Kailua, Hawai'i with her three children and works with families both in-home and virtually all over the world. 

Website: www.sustainablesleep.co
Instagram: www.instagram.com/sustainable.sleep