Matrescence: the process of becoming a mother by Kirryn Lee
Image by Cheri Tiglias Photographer
It wasn’t until I was deep in the throes of motherhood that I had the shocking realisation that the picture-perfect image I’d had of me being a mother wasn’t actually the reality.
It was HARD. Harder than I could have ever imagined. It was all I had ever dreamed about. So why didn’t it feel like I was expecting?
Where were those times of endless contented nose kisses, loving stares, peacefully sleeping baby in her bassinet, soft breeze coming through the window as I swan around in my floaty linen dress, a nourishing dinner on the table every night for my loving husband who slogged away all day at his office job? Those moments seemed few and far between (and not a linen dress in sight).
Instead I started to wish I was the one leaving for work. I felt like a hot mess in activewear and sweatpants, severely sleep deprived, incredibly sore nipples, always covered in spew/poo/boob milk, becoming exhausted from just trying to leave the house with a baby that seemed to scream 70% of the time. I no longer went into a corporate job where I was around other adults all day, my baby was constantly wanting to be breastfed, my clothes didn’t fit anymore. I was completely shell shocked at JUST how hard being a mother was and could not comprehend just how dependent my little dependent was.
On top of all that, I constantly felt confused about most things. Motherly Instinct - where art thou? Shouldn’t I just know all the answers?? Why don’t I feel as fulfilled as I thought I would??? Why doesn’t this feel natural???? Why does everyone else seem to have their shit together but I don’t???? HEEELLLPPP!!
What I didn't realise at the time was that I was experiencing matrescence. In fact, every single woman who has a child come into their life goes through matrescence.
It’s hard to pronounce (ma-tre-scents), but can be such a permission slip to embrace the personal identity crisis that this time brings.
Matrescence is defined as the process of becoming a mother. Yep - there is an actual term to describe it (it was only officially added to the oxford dictionary in 2022 after being lost within a text book for decades). Dana Raphael, the woman who first coined the term, says this transition is as big as adolescence.
This is a significant time in a woman's journey where every single area of her life comes into question - social, political, biological, economical, physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional.
And yet the gravity of this time isn’t well known, acknowledged or supported. This can make life feel harder than trying to get your baby out of a onesie post-poo explosion.
When I first learnt about matrescence, it was like a huge sigh out (I imagine I felt as light as my baby after said poo explosion).
My confusion started to make sense. I finally understood why I felt like I was changing whilst the world around me stood still. I could see why the ideal vision of the type of mother I wanted to be no longer felt achievable. I realised it was a process of self discovery I was going through and just like adolescence, it’s going to feel awkward and can’t be rushed.
Since that moment, I have really embraced the growth that matrescence can bring instead of resisting it. With that, I started seeking new ways to feel fulfilled instead of expecting old ways to continue to fit. Literally and metaphorically I started to see the clothes that no longer fit as the problem instead of me (and stopped aspiring for a linen dress I didn’t actually want).
During my search, I decided to start a business. This decision alone shocked me but alas, I was in a season of embracing the curious pull. This led me down a rabbit hole of mindset and personal development work which ended up being a gateway into spirituality.
If you told 20-year-old Kirryn that just a decade later she would describe herself as spiritual, I’d be convinced you were sent from a reality prank show and turn beetroot red as I searched for the cameras. But it’s intriguing what your world can be opened to when you’re looking for answers and willing to follow the breadcrumbs of curiosity.
Slowly by slowly, step by step, my world started to open up to concepts I had previously been very closed off from and judgemental towards. Now, here I am, declaring that matrescence is a spiritual awakening for all. I know that terminology can be a major turn off for some but stick with me here…
Spirituality can be anything that connects you to your heart, supports you in living in true alignment, brings presence and gratitude, takes you to a place of joy and brings comfort that you’re being supported and guided by something bigger than yourself.
Connecting to your heart could look like dancing around in lingerie and heels, your meditation could be baking, your place of harmony could be whilst you’re on rollerskates, you could feel most present when down hill mountain biking. What is important is the intention and connection you feel to these practices.
When you release preconceived ideas and boxes around what you think something should look like, it allows the dropping of armour and resistance to the process unfolding. Just as we trust a blooming rose to unfold, can you trust your own self-growth journey?
Here is what both matrescence and a spiritual practice is asking of you:
make time for your healing and growth process
deep internal self reflection and self responsibility
allow all emotions to be felt but don’t become stuck in the hard
trust the process, trust the unknown, trust the timing
know how to connect with the present moment
find a community of people who value the transformations that come with the challenges of the work
understand both your mind and your body.
Matrescence is the trigger to embrace a new way of being; whilst spirituality provides the tools to move you through the journey. The more you try to resist the changes you’re being called into, the more uncomfortable you will feel trying to squeeze into clothes that no longer fit. Or even worse - the clothes fit but they don’t feel like a true representation of you.
Change is inevitable. It becomes a continual evolution of layers unfolding. Just as the tears flow as you peel the layers of an onion, so can the tears as you peel the layers of your personal growth.
Having the knowledge, tools and support as you move through the messiness will allow you to spread your wings once the chrysalis stage has worked its magic. This is when life can feel brighter, more joyful and in flow.
So Mama, are you ready to release your linen dress and move with curiosity through the space it opens up for you?
Kirryn is a Matrescence Mentor, Energy Coach, co-parent to two little gals and recovering people pleaser. She is on a mission to support other mothers to stop living to please others and start living for their magnificent selves. Through her podcast Matrescence Awakening, group programs and 1:1 mentoring, Kirryn is supporting Mama’s to demystify the spiritual world and become their own healers through the bigness of this transition. You can connect with her on instagram at @kirryn_lee and find out how to work with her at www.kirrynlee.com