Perfectly Imperfect by Mariella Dawson
I often catch myself staring at Moonie. I didn’t even realize she knew I was doing it until she asked me last week “what are you looking at?”. I had so many things to say:
I can’t believe I am raising such a beautiful little human being.
I’m overwhelmed by how fast you’re growing up.
I’m overjoyed I get to watch your every move.
I’m in awe of your strength and your capability to live life every day to its fullest despite the current challenges.
I’m struck by your ability to love so freely and unconditionally.
I’m blessed beyond belief I get to see the world through your eyes.
It’s a privilege to be in your life.
I think you are the most amazing little being in the world.
It’s okay to not be okay sometimes; know that your tears are my tears.
If you’re hurting, you can give me your hurt and I will carry it for you so you don’t have to.
Every time I look at you all my doubts about whether or not I am doing this right disappear.
“Dang, I’m raising a strong girl!”, when she told a child in the park “excuse me, please do not touch me, I did not give you permission’.
I hope I am enough for you because you are always enough for me.
I hope you will always be as happy and carefree as you are now.
I wish your innocence would last forever.
But instead, all I could say was “I’m just looking at you”. Her response was “okay”, because everything I didn’t say was heard by her anyway.
The greatest lessons of parenthood (knowing I come at this as a different type of mom)?
It taught me that a love this strong actually exists; I never received it from my own parents.
It taught me the importance of saying I love you and I am proud of you no matter what, something I was never told.
It taught me not to repeat the decisions my parents made. And I do say decisions because when ‘I’m sorry’ becomes an excuse to keep doing what you’re apologizing for over and over again it is no longer a mistake, it becomes a decision.
It taught me that it is better to raise an over-confident child than a child without self-worth.
It taught me that the littlest things are the most important of all because they end up putting the whole puzzle together.
It taught me that being over-protective drains me completely sometimes, but seeing her hurt crushes my soul, so I’ll take the former anytime.
It taught me it is okay not to be okay, it is okay not to be perfect every day, it is okay to feel exhausted and burned out, because in her eyes I am always flawless.
It taught me, most of all, that no matter what I do, how much I stumble, how imperfect I feel I am, her unconditional love for me and never-ending trust in me never wavers.
It taught me that in the eyes of your child, you are never less, you are always more.
When I wake her up from her nap and her smile makes a thousand rainbows descend down on me, my heart skips a beat. Love her way too much and never enough.
This is why when I look at her, silent tears within me flow, tears of overwhelming love, joy, and acceptance; and a whole ocean of feelings I can’t even name. From her to me and from me to her. Both perfectly imperfect.
Mariella Dawson is a temporary forever mommy, and an always advocate for children who have no voice; and (as a conscience vegetarian) for animals as well. One of her most rewarding experiences was working in the Neurosurgery Clinic at The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, guiding parents and children through the worst times of their lives towards their best. In her spare time, Mariella is a writer and author whose novel brings to light the often forgotten child abuse victims and their heart-wrenching after-trauma journeys. She firmly holds onto the belief that there is good in people and in the world, and that this good should live on in our children. Feel free to follow and contact her on Instagram: @a_mommy_like_me and @the_cracks_in_my_existence, as well as on Wordpress: A Mommy Like Me.