Pregnancy Loss by Leslie Bost
Leslie when she had her first rainbow baby after 3 losses. Tears of joy!
I sat on the floor under the warm water, not exactly sure how I was going to have the strength to get up out of the shower. I wanted the water to wash away my tears. Actually, I wanted the water to wash away my life. This was my 3rd consecutive miscarriage and I couldn’t stand it anymore, literally. I couldn’t stand my body or rather, my body’s inability to carry another baby. I had a son, a perfectly healthy, beautiful thriving son. Was I greedy in wanting more children? And even if I was, was I being punished for it? “What kind of woman can’t carry a baby? I mean, biologically speaking, isn’t our body made to hold life and bring it into the world? So, I thought, “ what kind of woman am I? Not good enough.” At least, those are the thoughts I internalized: “A woman not good enough to carry another baby”.
I was resentful, angry and frustrated, but under all of this I was devastated with loss. Sadness is not a strong enough emotion to describe the pain that grief brings.
When we think of grief, we typically think of losing someone we love and know. Hardly does a miscarriage have the cultural impact that loosing a loved one does. There is no funeral, no closure, no actual body to mourn. But the loss for a mother is palpable. It is undeniable and most certainly, real.
Most women grieve their lost babies alone, their partners, family and friends do not fully understand the pain of their loss and in fact, others become so uncomfortable with the pain that they tend to ignore or dismiss the loss. Like it never happened. “Oh you will get pregnant again” “At least you know you can get pregnant” and in my case “Look at the bright side, you have a healthy son already”. Some of the comments I heard constantly, which just caused guilt, shame and made me feel like I was overreacting.
Even more isolating was the fact that women who did have miscarriages didn’t talk about it. This made it hard to reach out for help. Why have we left ourselves alone to navigate the pain? As women, shouldn’t we discuss miscarriages and support each other?
In the end, I was pregnant 8 times and have 4 healthy amazing children on this realm. But my 4 babies on the other side are in my awareness daily, they are part of me and part of our family. When I am asked how many children I have I say “8! 4 here on earth and 4 always with us on the other side”. I have learned to love them for all they have shown me, specifically how to love and accept myself. They gave me courage to start a dialogue about miscarriage, even if it makes people uncomfortable. I realized that these babies came to me to find unconditional love within my womb. It was their soul's journey and mine to connect even, if just for a while. I learned to trust all that has happened and find meaning. The grief, after a while, catapulted my growth and allowed me to have a different perspective on life, feeling gratitude for so many small things.
And though, all who have miscarried will have different journeys, these are the things that helped me and could guide you:
Allow for time for healing and connecting to your pain, holding it compassionately.
Release what needed to be released. The pain can become resentment & shame, all bundled up with fear, so it needs to be released. Cry all you need!
Love yourself through the process. You are worthy of your love.
Seek community - Reach out to other women who have lost a baby.
Be vulnerable & honest about your loss, the more you speak of it, the more you will find others who have been through something similar
Look for a therapist or coach with experience in loss. You need help navigating the pain.
Find meaning: Finding meaning for the loss during the grieving period is close to impossible, little by little you will connect to the meaning in YOUR journey.
Most importantly, remember that you are not alone!
My name is Leslie, I live a Nomadic life with my husband and 4 children. You will usually find us on the ocean or between Los Cabos, Mexico & San Miguel de Allende, MX. I am a human being that deeply cares. I care about the connection with our children, our world, and mostly the connection to ourselves. I believe that if we nourish ourselves from within, with loving self-care on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level, we will become the change we want to see.
The origin of my story into healing started after much trauma, abuse, abandonment, adoption, eating disorders, deep depression, multiple miscarriages, complicated pregnancies, NICU babies, and all of the challenges that these experiences bring to a marriage and parenting. This journey brought me to healing through mindfulness, meditation, therapy, compassion, and ultimately conscious parenting with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, trauma-informed work with Dr. Gabor Mate & Spiritual Psychology with Suzi Lula. This process of liberation guided me through years of study to develop a methodology by which I help others.
My goal is to guide overwhelmed women, coaches & parents to tap into their inner power, create compassionate inner connection and navigate life so they can better understand their triggers, patterns, beliefs and connect with their loved ones. I would love to connect with you and compassionately provide a space to guide you to a better connection within and with your wise ones. Join me on Instagram @sabiosparenting & Clubhouse @leslielbost webpage: http://www.sabiosparenting.com