Sane Parenting in a Crazy World: Five Ways to Raise a Good Human By Beth Feldman, Ph.D.

All parents know that they are raising their children in a crazy world, teeming with anxiety, stress, and intense academic and social pressure. Our kids are struggling with anxiety and depression in record numbers, and child and adolescent therapy and psychiatry offices are filled. What is less clear is how to raise a good person, without dropping the ball on teaching our kids how to be successful young adults. The good news is that they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, achievement, character, successful relationships, and happiness often go hand in hand.

Here are 5 keys to raising a good human:

Prioritize and cultivate character: Focus on how your child behaves in relationships-with you, with siblings, with friends, with neighbors, and especially with those who are clearly struggling. Talk about and demonstrate kindness, compassion and an understanding that your needs and feelings are not the only ones that matter.

Insist on effort. Working hard and making consistent effort is well within your child’s control whereas performance may not be. Learning and developing skills often requires consistent effort and a kind of stick-to-it mentality, especially when the task at hand isn’t easy. This, however, does not mean giving 100% at every turn. That kind of pressure can be anxiety-producing and exhausting.

Build self-esteem.  Encourage the interests and qualities that are unique and important to your child as a way to help them feel known and appreciated for being themselves. Recognize that their personal qualities and interests will change, sometimes on a daily basis, and try to avoid casting them in rigid roles (i.e. the athlete in the family or the smart one). Praise the little things, not only performance and achievement. Help them to reflect on their behavior and feel good about themselves when, for example, they work hard or demonstrate thoughtfulness.

Save time for play and down-time together. It’s important to teach our kids how to have balance in their lives and that’s not possible if their days are fully packed 24/7. Down-time with you helps them relax and gives them the space to talk with you about feelings and concerns that may not be easy for them to put into words.

Encourage their passions. Teaching your child to live life with gusto, in part by doing so yourself, is an invaluable gift. Diving into your own interests increases creativity, motivation, and feelings of emotional well-being for parents and children alike. When kids feel personally fulfilled, they are more likely to be patient and emotionally generous with others.

A Nod to the Unconscious: Sometimes, your competitive anxieties can get the best of you as a parent.  When old insecurities from your own childhood spring to life, you may feel compelled to make sure that your kids are popular, that they are good athletes, and that they get into “the best” colleges. Your own past feelings of exclusion or of not being good enough, can drive you to prize high performance and social success in your child over kindness, caring, and other qualities that reflect good character.  As a parent, you need to keep your own insecurities out of the driver’s seat, and make sure that your personal values are guiding your parenting.

Raising a good human being is even harder than being a good human being. Raising children to think about other people’s feelings, to have a solid work ethic, and to be kind and honest, will help them become young adults who are happy and successful in their relationships and in their work.

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.