Some Insights on Single Motherhood I Wish I Could Tell My 27-Year-Old Self by Roni Davis

Parenting is difficult even when you are partnered. When you are a single mom, the challenges seem even more overwhelming because you are facing them independently. You might have some help from your ex—heck, you may even be on good terms with them. But that doesn’t change the feeling of single parenting, which has a different emotional weight.

It’s hard to quantify exactly what this feeling is. At first, single moms only know it feels different. I’ve developed several insights on this feeling of single parenting. As you’ll soon see, some of these insights aren’t negative. Much of who I am today is because of how I persevered through many years of being a single mom.

Though I certainly hit rough patches, I wouldn’t change the decisions I made because they have led me to who I am today. I certainly made mistakes, but I also made many correct choices that perhaps didn’t seem correct at the time, but I’ve since come to understand them as the right choices over time.

So, without further ado—

Five Things Single Motherhood Has Taught Me

1) There is a Certain Freedom That Comes With Single Parenting
It took me a long to appreciate the freedom that came with single parenting. Though I’m partnered now, and my kids are no longer kids, I remember the early days being extremely overwhelming. 

The more I think about this overwhelming feeling, I realize it wasn’t overwhelming because I was lonely or because I was getting over my divorce. It was overwhelming because I was suddenly free. It was the paradox of choice that had me feeling all anxious. I could repaint the house or go vegan. 

Suddenly I was free to pursue motherhood as I saw it, not as my ex saw it.  

2) I’ve Learned the Value of Resiliency
Being a single mom has taught me the value of resilience. There were so many nights when I was all in a panic, thinking I’d have to put the kids up for adoption or send them to live with their grandparents. I thought I’d have to quit my job. I thought I couldn’t handle it. 

Each time, I proved my fears wrong and my ability to persevere right. I raised two kids with little help from my ex all while working a full-time job. On the nights I thought I couldn’t handle it, the sun always rose the next day. If the sun could rise, then I could too.

3) There is No Perfect Mom
I also learned about my own limitations—how to be humble. I realized that my kids were more aware than I gave them credit for at times. When I was vulnerable, angry, or desperate, my children showed me grace. My children showed me sympathy. I could make mistakes, and they could still love me. If they could be strong for me, I could surely be strong for them.

Being a single mom cured me of a perfectionist streak that had plagued me through my teen years. Whether through sheer exhaustion or a sudden eureka moment, I learned that it was ok not to be perfect. That it was, in fact, impossible to be everything I wanted to be. And that’s ok—it taught me how to balance the many different forces pulling at me.  

4) Divorce Changes You—Make It For the Better
Major life events create rifts in our concept of self. Ending a long-term relationship forces you to think not as a couple, as you and, but only as you. You’ll come face to face with your internal fears, anxieties and doubts, however they manifest.

This is a good thing—significant life changes like death, divorce, or illness force us to reacquaint ourselves with those aspects of the self that we’d rather keep buried. But it is through facing these parts of ourselves that we do not like that we find the strength to grow and change for the better.

5) Those Who Matter Step Up and Help
It’s ok to need help as a single mom. It’s ok to ask for help as a single mom. I learned that the people who matter most in your life are the people who are willing to actually step up and help you. 

There is a big difference between the empty gesture of offering help and the act of going through with it. The people who actually go through with it are the ones that count. Family might not be among those that stand up and help you when push comes to shove. You also need to be open to receiving help from unexpected sources.

It’s Never Easy, But You Get Better At It

At no point was single parenting easy. But human beings are adaptable creatures, and I was able to adapt to the many challenges of single parenthood. There is nothing uniquely special about me that allowed me to persevere through the most challenging times. 

I needed to work, and so I worked. I needed to parent, and so I parented. The less I thought about how overwhelming it all seemed in a big picture sort of way, the better I became at compartmentalizing, prioritizing, and completing. I got things done because I was the only one who could do them, and I was a better person for it. 

Roni Davis is a writer, blogger, and legal assistant. She writes for Schwartz Family Law, divorce mediation attorneys in Philadelphia.