Stay At Home Who by Sarah Turnball

When I was pregnant with my son I was working full time, it had its challenges as all pregnancies can, exhaustion, heavy workload, emotions, complications. 6 weeks before I was due I used my annual leave and started my maternity and I loved every second. Napping till lunch, watching Netflix, walks, enjoying the alone time of just bump & I until we become baby & I. 

My son was 6 months old when Coronavirus hit the UK in March 2020 and we got locked down. I was on maternity for a year, as September was fast approaching and we were still dealing with lockdowns, social life closed, working from home and no real information about covid, our plan of nursery for me returning to work was suddenly becoming a scenario with a huge question mark over it. 

I remember my husband calling the only nursery in our area that was open enquiring over availability for our son and sitting in my kitchen in tears. I had imagined going back to work, knew we were going to put our son in nursery, yet at this moment I couldn’t think of anything worse. 

I didn’t want to leave him, I’d been with him every single day of his life, I’d seen every moment, experienced every first, I didn’t want to miss anything, even worse with covid and not knowing how life was going to be and all the precautions everyone had to take. Due to some out-of-control circumstances, we ended up deciding our only option was for me to become a stay-at-home mum. 

Whenever I had pictured myself having children I had always wanted to stay home with them, to be there every day and every milestone but I was realistic in that wasn’t really going to be possible but we had no other option, we had to make it work, I got my dream but at the same time all of a sudden my career, my sense of ‘working self’ had disappeared and all I felt was ‘mum mode’.

By the time I had my daughter, I don’t even remember who I was before I was mum. It’s so easy to fall into routines with children, especially when covid makes going anywhere almost impossible logistically. 

Up, breakfast, dressed, walk, play, nap, lunch, play, dinner, bath, bed, repeat.

It’s when you start trying to find time to fit in basic needs that you realise everything you were, had, did before you became mum has gone. It’s now about trying to fit in time for a shower when both children aren’t screaming for you, trying to grab a drink when you’re not feeding the baby, or trying to make sure your toddler has a snack. Trying to pee, forget peeing alone, that will never happen again! Even my showers are accompanied by my toddler on nights I just need to make sure we’re both washed in some sense before the baby wakes and it’s too late in the evening and a meltdown is coming because your toddler needs his bed. 

When did showering, peeing, drinking, eating become a luxury? When did going to do the food shop alone become peaceful? When did watching one 40 minute tv show with no crying or bedtime resets become a successful me time evening? When did finishing a hot drink the first time without someone climbing all over you become a gift? Not being touched for 20 minutes become quiet time?

I think there can be a lot of preconceptions with stay-at-home mums, we must have it easy, especially when your children are of an age where they still nap. Naptime becomes an Olympic sport, to see how many chores you can get completed in the fastest time with the least amount of noise made. It becomes a juggling act of what chores can you get completed while holding or entertaining one child because 2 never nap at the same time! Did you decide to sit down for one nap and not move for 10 minutes, then let’s pile on the guilt because we know how much needs doing and what we really should be doing, time for ourselves isn’t possible when you’re a mum. 

I think it hit me the most at Christmas, my husband and I each have 1 sister, they are both married. That’s 6 of us in total. My sister and I are the only stay-at-home mums. Everyone else was discussing their work Christmas night out, their meal, drinks, socialising, where they went, what a good time they had. I don’t have a ‘job’ to have a Christmas night out, I don’t have social events with work where I can leave the house, I very rarely leave the house as it is and if I do I’m never alone. 

I can’t remember the last time I went out and it wasn’t a play date. The last time I had a ‘night out,’ I couldn’t imagine being able to walk out the door and not have to prepare for every aspect of whatever the routine was at that time of day to leave to someone else. Just walking out of the door without any preparation, what’s that?  Annual leave, never heard of it? A break, don’t think so!

When did I stop being me? When did the small things I didn’t even notice I did for myself become a thing of the past? Hair appointments, manicures, coffee dates, shopping for something other than food or nappies. 

Having a baby, looking after children naturally becomes such an all-encompassing step. You’re moving so fast and so far forward with their milestones and their needs you don’t even notice that you’ve left yourself behind in all the madness. 

When you finally stop and notice what is left to see? I’m certainly not that person anymore, I couldn’t imagine my brain not running 100% on what I need to do for my children, their needs, their requirements, their next steps. Yet along the way I completely forgot that I’m human too. I just became mum. It’s like I didn’t have a life before them because it was so vastly different and became so unimportant in learning how to care for these new humans I had in my life that it just disappeared. I disappeared. 

I adore being a mum. It is truly my greatest achievement, what I am most thankful for in my life, but trying to stop on this rollercoaster of a journey is not easy. Not even to stop and notice that somewhere along the line part of you got lost. 

I don’t think it matters how long you’ve been a mum for, where you are on your journey, what point you’ve reached or are trying to reach, the journey to parenthood is such a rollercoaster. There are no breaks, no way to get off, no time to slow down. Unless we make it happen. We remember that before it all we are still human. That once the crazy of children has begun we still need to remember we can be more than mum. That we need to still be more than just mum. We just need to slow down and breathe first. 

My goal for 2022, remember me. Take 5 minutes to sit in a room alone while someone else has the children and not feel guilty for it. Drink more and stay hydrated, rather than avoiding drinking so you don’t have to figure out when you have time to pee. Shower for longer than 3 minutes out of necessity. Talk a walk alone. Sit and write. Listen to music that isn’t baby shark. Breathe. Wish me luck! 

I live in the UK, and am a 30-year-old stay-at-home mum of 2. I live with my husband of 10 years, my 2-year-old son and my 9-week-old baby girl. I became a stay-at-home mum after my maternity with my son due to covid but that was the best blessing as I get to spend every day raising my beautiful babies and watching them wonder at the world. My days are currently spent learning how to juggle an ever-inquisitive toddler and a newborn.