Teaching Kids To Self-Regulate Through The Storm Of Separation by Jacintha Field

Photo credit: @_in_the_flow_

"We are separating". Three little words that will make a huge impact on a child. Separation or divorce is one of the hardest traumas you may go through. But unfortunately, it is also one of the hardest traumas your child may face, even if it's a separation filled with love and kindness. 

When children are born earthside, there is an expectation they will have humans that will care for them, love them and guide them. Unfortunately, those humans aren't always the best fit for each other. So it's in the best interests of each other and to their child/children that they separate. Many couples stay together not because they deeply love each other, but for the kids. Staying together can often be more detrimental to a child.

My separation was tough. I'm not going to sit here and say it was easy, 'cause it wasn't. I was thrown curveball after curveball, which hit me like a ton of bricks. I always thought I would have a conscious separation. You know, consciously uncouple like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Well, unfortunately, that wasn't the case. The conditions of my separation did not allow for that. And these conditions were out of my hands. In the blink of an eye, my entire world was smashed to pieces. I didn't just separate from my partner; I separated from family, friends, a life I'd always known. 

During a separation, many emotions will arise within you and your child — including anger, sadness, blame, guilt, happiness, disappointment, rage, depression and anxiety. These emotions can arise anytime, especially when you don't expect them to. In these moments, your child needs your love and affection. 

I call the process of separating the 'mud'. This time is about holding space not only for your emotions but for your child's, too. It's a time of deep introspection. Think of your mind like a garbage truck. There are so many thoughts and layers to process. Kids' minds are the same, but they haven't understood how to process the layers yet. Their brains haven't developed enough to process big feelings, so they need you to teach and support them. Any outbursts are a great sign that your child needs you. They may be scared of what they are feeling. They don't know how to self-regulate, so they need you to guide them. When children learn to self-regulate their emotions, they feel more confident, capable, and controlled. This helps them to cope better with life's everyday stresses and disappointments.

So what is self-regulation? Self-regulation is to think before acting. It is the ability to understand and manage behaviours and reactions to feelings and things around you. Self-regulation is the ability to monitor and manage your energy states, emotions, thoughts and behaviours in acceptable ways.

I encouraged my son Axel to express his feelings from the beginning of the separation. I permitted him to feel sad, angry, disappointed, happy. Verbally was sometimes a massive challenge for him to express himself, so I used art. I would draw circles (for faces). I then asked him to draw the face of how he was feeling using colours that resonated. Often it was sad, disappointment and anger. I acknowledge each emotion. I sympathised with how he was feeling - this is important. I then encouraged him to tell me why he was feeling that way. I encouraged him to have a voice. I had to learn not to put words into his mouth or finish his sentences. For example, he would often say that he was mad that I didn't give him something he wanted. Many times it's not the thing they want, but it's a more profound feeling laying below. So I would ask him to tell me how this makes him feel. I use the word "feel" a lot. This is where we discover the magical aha moments. These discussions help us to connect the dots. They create levels of emotional release. These releases allow emotions to exit the body rather than being stored in the body, which may result in stored trauma. I'm still processing trauma from childhood, so I'm very determined to support Axel and other humans with their healing.

There was a moment that I fell to bits. Axel smashed my phone on the wall, and I couldn't take anymore. I fell in a heap and sobbed for what felt like a lifetime. Then, Axel came over and hugged me. This made me weep even more. Then, he went away and came back with a piece of paper and asked me to draw my emotions. It was at this moment that I was so incredibly proud. I am so lucky to have him, and he is fortunate to have me. Together we taught each other how to survive the storm. 

Children intuitively know when something is up. They have a sixth sense. So my advice is to be as upfront and honest as possible without creating negative stories towards the other parent or guardian. My psychologist helped me speak positively about the other party in front of my son. No matter how I felt - this is my son's father, so I didn't want him to hate him. I can't say this was always the case - I am human, after all. I certainly had a few slip-ups in anger, but I become more mindful each day. In moments of rage, I would walk away to allow space to gather my thoughts.

Within 12 months, Axel's family fell apart, he started prep, he met his dad's new partner, we sold our house, we moved to the coast, and he started a new school. Plus, a pandemic and homeschooling smack bang in the middle of all of this. So many emotions for a 6-year-old to process. 

I suggest acknowledging that what your child is feeling is big for them. Please try to refrain from language like "you'll be fine". This tells a child that it's not a big deal. This is a hugely emotional moment for them. They need to know you can support them and their big emotions. When big emotional releases happen, it's best to tell them, "I can handle your big emotions. You are safe with me."

Take your time with big questions. You won't have all the answers straight away. And that's ok. You can let them know that you are working through things, and you can get back to them when you can. They are your priority, and it's your job to keep them safe. Another way to build a closer bond is to work through things together. Allow them to have input expressing what will help keep them safe and secure. Using language like "we will get through this together" helps your child to feel supported. Encourage your child to have these significant conversations with the other parent, too. Let them know it is ok to express their emotions and feelings. 

Keep checking in to see how your child is feeling. Your child will probably see you feeling sad, angry or upset. That's natural and even healthy. However, it's essential to let your child know that you love them, that your feelings are not their fault, that things will get better and that you are in this together. 

I found that routines helped Axel feel secure, safe, and controlled. It felt like he had lost complete control of his life during our separation. So it was important to me to give him a sense of control back. We brought a whiteboard with all the days of the week, so my son knew what to expect. This was so beneficial for him to feel safe and secure. I also involved him in the process to give him a sense that he had control over minor decisions. This gave him self-confidence. It's essential to listen carefully and let children know their opinions matter. 

It's also good to maintain rituals. Every night we had dinner, a bath and a book before bed, with very minimal nights of failure. For two years, unless he was with his dad, I was (nearly) always there to put him to bed. It was vital for me to show him I wasn't going anywhere and that he could rely on me for anything. And quite honestly, I needed him to help me feel safe, too. 

Some other valuable tips:

Don't badmouth the other parent. Although you might realllyyyyy want to, it is more beneficial for the child to hear you speak positively about them. You don't want your child to hate either parent. That person is their mother and/or father and always will be. Your decision to separate is about your relationship with your partner, not your child's relationship with their parent. Your job is to reinforce that your relationship with them will not change. This is also a good time to mention that the separation/divorce is not their fault. Be very clear that it has nothing to do with how much you love them. Be careful not to unravel their sense of security. They especially need to feel safe. 

When a separation takes place, this is the time that your child (children) will need you the most. Children's needs need to come first. Make your kids a priority and prepare them for this change. Try to wait some time (I would suggest at least 6 - 12 months) before introducing new partners into the mix. Your child needs time to grieve. Allow your child to grieve. Be compassionate for what they are going through. Expect your child to act up during this time and have tools in your back pocket to deal with their big emotions. It is also a time for you to grieve. It is ok for you to cry in front of your child. It is very beneficial for them to see. This then permits them to do the same. Tears are an emotional release. This is one way we release emotions. To help them, you may tell them how you are feeling first to encourage them to do the same "Mummy is feeling very sad". 

 
MAMA LOVE 8Your Zen MamaParenthood, Parenting, Mamahood, Parenting journey, Separation, Divorce, Regulating emotionsComment