The Mirror Effect: What Our Kids Teach Us About Ourselves by Yara Heary
Parenthood is often described as one of the most challenging and rewarding roles we can undertake. It brings immense joy, but it also exposes us to our deepest vulnerabilities and triggers. Something I’ve learnt from my own inner work, and from my clinical work with mothers is that the traits and behaviours we find most challenging in our children often mirror the parts of ourselves that our care givers could not tolerate in us. Because of this, many of us learnt to suppress or exile these parts of ourselves in order to remain in connection with our care givers, rather than experience rejection, abandonment or punishment.
When I share this perspective with the mothers I work with, they are often shaking their heads in agreement and many of them tell me how this understanding transforms their perspective of the behaviours they find difficult in their children, and on their ability to hold themselves with compassion.
Understanding the Internal Family Systems (IFS) Perspective
IFS is a therapeutic model that views the mind as an ecosystem of "parts," each with its own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. These parts can be likened to members of a family, each playing a unique role. Some parts are more dominant, while others, often carrying pain or shame, are suppressed or exiled to protect the self from discomfort.
When it comes to parenting, the traits in our children that trigger us are often reflections of these exiled parts within ourselves. Recognizing and understanding this dynamic can lead to profound healing and growth, both for us and our children.
Identifying Triggering Traits
Think about the behaviours or traits in your child that you find most difficult to handle. Is it their defiance, their sensitivity, their need for attention, or their emotional outbursts? These triggers are clues, pointing to similar parts within us that we have pushed away or denied.
For instance, a mother who struggles with her child's anger might realize that she has suppressed her own anger for years, viewing it as unacceptable or dangerous. Another parent might find their child's neediness overwhelming because they have learned to suppress their own needs, viewing self-reliance as a virtue.
Understanding The Parts Within
Once we identify these triggering traits, the next step is to reflect on what this might reveal about our own internal parts. You can do this by taking time to reflect on your own childhood and experiences. When did you first learn that certain emotions or behaviours were
unacceptable? How did you adapt to these expectations? Ask yourself how you were responded to as a child when you displayed the same behaviours (which trigger you) that your child currently does. This will give you some idea about whether or not these behaviours were tolerated by your care givers or not, and will help you to understand whether you may have had to suppress these expressions to please your parent/s.
The next step you may like to work towards is starting to notice what inner part or behaviours/feelings/thoughts/or physical sensations show up to keep you disconnected from the parts of yourself that you had to suppress or exile. In other words, pay attention to what happens in your body, thoughts, and actions in response to the behaviour/s that you find challenging in your child. Here are some examples:
If your child’s “tantrums” or big emotional expressions trigger intense frustration in you, notice if a part of you feels the need to control the situation tightly. You might feel physical tension in your chest or shoulders, a rush of anxious thoughts about being a "good" parent, or an impulse to quiet your child quickly.
If your child’s neediness makes you feel overwhelmed, you might observe a part of yourself that becomes emotionally distant or numb. It could feel like you’re checking out. Pay attention to sensations like a tightness in your throat, or a heavy feeling in your heart or stomach, or thoughts like “I can’t handle this” or a desire to run away.
When your child’s defiance sparks irritation, you might notice a part of you that feels compelled to enforce strict rules or withdraw affection. You might feel hot and angry, or notice thoughts about being disrespected.
Whatever you notice; the key thing here is to make an effort to send even just a drop of compassion and curiosity toward these inner experiences and to then begin listening to what these “parts” of you have to say about how they are protecting you and why. Rather than judging yourself for having these responses, try to understand why they occur and what these protective parts of you fear would happen if they didn’t show up in this way. When we do this enquiry, we learn more about the vulnerable traits/expression/parts that we have learnt to exile throughout our lives.
The final step is to begin getting into contact with the vulnerable parts of ourselves that we have learnt to suppress or exile. Allowing yourself to feel and express these long-suppressed emotions can be quite challenging to do on your own because our inner systems are very complex. If this is work you are wanting to take on, I would suggest doing it with the support of a therapist who is experienced in parts/inner systems work. It often takes an experienced therapist to help you navigate the complex relationships between the parts of your inner system. You can also begin learning more about this by reading Richard Schwartz’s books, “No bad Parts” or “You’re The One You’ve Been Waiting For”.
Healing Through Parenting
Parenthood offers a unique mirror, reflecting back to us the parts of ourselves that need attention and healing. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems, we can begin to understand and heal these inner wounds, transforming our parenting experience and fostering deeper connections with ourselves and our children.
When we begin tending to our own inner wounds, we become more capable of responding to our children's behaviours with empathy and understanding, rather than reactivity. This process not only transforms our relationship with ourselves but also allows for a healthier, more connected relationship with our children.
A parent who has come to terms with their own anger can learn to see their child's anger as a safe, normal and healthy expression of emotion, rather than something to be suppressed or punished. By validating and addressing the underlying needs behind their child's anger, a parent can help their child develop healthier emotional regulation skills.
It is worthwhile remembering that there is no such thing as perfect parenting. If we can try to keep compassion, curiosity and openness at the center of our parenting experience, even when we don’t quite get it “right”, we will find that the challenges we face with our children are opportunities for deeply transformative growth and healing.
Yara is a Perth psychologist who works exclusively with women throughout conception, pregnancy, and motherhood. Yara started Life After Birth Psychology following the birth of her first son which started her on yet another journey of self-rediscovery. Her experiences throughout early motherhood drew her to support other women as they navigate their own family of origin dynamics, the social programming of the “good mother”, relationship changes with those around them, identity shifts, and role changes to find their place of balance and authenticity as mothers. She is also the host of Life After Birth with Yara, a podcast dedicated to sharing the stories of women as they navigate life as mothers.