The Power of Being Disobedient by Joana Laranjeiro

I confess, I am 41 and I am disobedient.

Sometimes I break the rules. I always have an opinion and make decisions considering different angles, practicing critical thinking, researching about the issue and following my heart not just because someone tells me what to do. 

For instance, lets look at how I misbehave with some common rules…

Respect the line.
When in a supermarket line and there is someone behind me that only has 2 or 3 groceries and my heart tells me to… I let her pass.

Don´t talk to strangers.
If the parking meter has another 30 minutes extra left, I give the parking ticket to a stranger and see a face light up from an unexpected act of kindness.

Always eat your meals at the table.
Sometimes I eat with my hands, even if I am not in India, just chilling on the sofa and enjoying a nice movie. 

Follow the instructions.
I never follow recipes. Even when I look at a recipe book, I let my creativity flow and start mixing what ingredients I am guided to. 

Don´t question things.
I need to know the “why” behind things, and always question if something is aligned with my values and beliefs.

Why parents think obeying is a sign of a solid education.
Being obedient is not as fabulous as some parents think…

Sometimes being disobedient is the thing that saves your life. Like when you are a teenager and the alpha mail of the group wants you to do something profoundly dangerous and stupid…

Or when your misguided boss wants you to do something illegal.

If you don’t have the internal space to say “NO”, how can you say it when it matters?

Of course there are social and safety rules, and here we are not talking about that. But the internal rules that rule your heart, values and define how you live your life. Children learn their limits by testing, failing and expanding. Even thought some days this doesn´t feel true, children naturally want to collaborate with their parents. They just want to feel seen, loved and recognized. Their behavior is just an expression of what is going on inside them. They ask through different behaviors the most important question: “Am I loved?”

Now consider behavior has a symptom. A symptom that adults also express. If you think about it, YOU also misbehave if you feel bad. Just look around and you will see a lot of adults making all kinds of tantrums. Notice people’s behavior in traffic or after a bad day at the office and you will see several resemblances to a child’s meltdown in the supermarket.

Considering the behavior as a superficial expression of something bigger, changes your internal state from fixing it to understanding it. If your child’s behavior shows somethings is off, investigate. Be curious to find what he is really trying to communicate. Also be curious about yourself and what your needs and boundaries are, and how they are being communicated. If your focus is limited to changing the child’s behavior without getting to the unmet need, you will close an important communication channel. 

Obeying or collaborating.
There are several famous 3 step techniques that include rewards, punishments, or timeouts that on the surface seem to work wonders.

But try sitting for 7 minutes in the timeout corner. Feeling shame and reinforcing that you are a “bad” person. Feel what you would learn in that situation? Listen to the critical voice inside gaining momentum and space, the anger in your throat, and the sadness that wants to break out in tears. Feel how something deep inside starts to break… I imagine that you will want to do things “right” after that… but what is your true motivation? Fear or love?

Leading the way.
There is another way. A way of creating a solid and safe connection between parents and child. It’s not a 3 step thing, but a loving ongoing relationship. It’s not a quick fix but a step by step building with foundations and strong structures. Looking at everything with compassion and with courage to change. To heal. A change from the inside out. 

As a parent, be the example of all the qualities you want to see in your children. If you value generosity, be generous. If you value conscious communication, collaboration, empathy, organization, just be that. 
Children learn by your example. The more you know yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself the further you inspire your children to do the same. Only leading with our hearts, can we inspire a generation to grow in conscious unity that follow what really matters and don’t simply obey blindly. That asks the right questions and searches deeply for the real answers. The world needs that.

The world needs people that lead with their heart, and don’t simply obey.

Joana Laranjeiro, is the portuguese author of the self-esteem book for children “Eu sou Super: Pequenos passos para uma grande autoestima”. After a 13 year intense and colorful career as an Art Director and with the arrival of her son in 2011, was inspired to do research, investigate and dedicate herself to a parenting path that not only had a profoundly nurturing approach to a child´s healthier and higher self-esteem but that prepared children for the future working scenario where abilities like problem-solving, collaboration, empathy, critical thinking, resilience and a growth mindset approach will make all the difference.

Joana flew to Sweden to become a Family-Lab Seminar Leader with a step-by-step customized educational approach. From this learning path, project "Mãe Catita" was developed. A parenting project designed to support and inspire parents through workshops, one-to-one sessions, articles and videos. Learn more about Joana and Mãe Catita here and follow along on Instagram @maecatita.