Toxic Positivity and Motherhood: Negotiating the tension between love and pressure By Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC
Becoming a mom is one of the most life-altering moments in a person’s life. You’re filled with the incredible joy that comes with meeting your child and the pressure that comes with raising them. You can quickly feel unskilled, especially if you’re a first-time parent. As the saying goes, babies don’t come with “operating manuals” and the job is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, for a lifetime.
I felt so fortunate that during my first pregnancy, I met a bunch of moms-to-be in a prenatal yoga class. They were such lifesavers as we transitioned from anticipating “What it will be like?”, to the experience of adapting to our new identity and role of being a mom.
Together, we tried to support one another through the adjustment process of such a massive life transition. One of my dearest friends shared the following quote, which really put this tension into perspective.
“Making the decision to have a child– it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body” ~ Elizabeth Stone
Take a moment to really feel Elizabeth’s words. What do you notice inside of your body? Inside of your mind? Inside of your heart? Can you feel the incredible swell of love that also carries some, or a lot, of pressure with it?
This is one of the reasons why toxic positivity can be such a challenge. As moms, we want to feel all of the good feelings and yet, uncomfortable feelings are a very natural response to the demands that come with being a parent. As a mom and a psychotherapist, I’ve experienced this first hand and I know how hard it can be.
Toxic positivity happens when you, or someone else, responds to difficult situations and feelings by believing that you must stay strong and see only the good. This mindset avoids recognizing the negative thoughts and feelings that come with hardship.
Inside of you, the fear is that if you acknowledge how you truly feel, your ability to cope with what already feels overwhelming will be obliterated. However, the reverse is true, if you aren’t able to express what feels difficult and overwhelming, your struggle increases while your resilience decreases.
You may be wondering, how can I work through the thoughts, feelings, and experiences that make me feel uncomfortable? Here’s some of my favorite practices for living intentionally and breaking the cycle of toxic positivity.
1. Practice the art of welcoming the unwelcome. This idea comes from The Sleep Book, written by Guy Meadows on overcoming insomnia. At the core of his work is the belief that trying to avoid, reject, or deny feelings is not an effective strategy for feeling resilient.
The art of welcoming the unwelcome allows you to accept your thoughts and feelings without judging them. This is a crucial step for feeling appreciation for your life and finding solutions for your inner conflicts and dilemmas.
2. Stay curious. Ask yourself, what is possible? When you're curious, you're inviting the quality of openness. You’re not trying to dominate, predetermine, or control a situation. This allows you to see your reactions more clearly, an important step for working with and through them.
When you ask yourself what's possible, you encourage adaptability. By staying true to what is, it’s easier to see the options that are available to you. This question builds self-nurturing and self-confidence without feeling dependent upon staying strong.
3. Write, draw, and sing. When you use creativity to embody your feelings and experiences, you transform the way you live through them. Creativity assists you in shedding the stress while reveling in your inherent courage to face whatever is causing you to feel overwhelmed.
If your kids are old enough, invite them to create with you, especially during times of tension. This can invite more ease into the moment so that you can talk through whatever was causing the tension and potentially find solutions together.
Struggling with toxic positivity doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it means you’re human. Learning how to negotiate the tension between the love and pressure you feel as a mom is an important life skill. Not only will this serve you well, it will help you support your kids when they themselves experience hard times.
In addition to these coping strategies, it’s important to look for other moms who are willing to talk about the challenges they face as a parent. This is crucial for reducing the shame or guilt you may be feeling. Don’t suffer in silence, by cultivating community, you can find the support and resources you deserve so that you and your family can thrive.
Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC is an art therapist and breast cancer survivor who is passionate about helping people live life boldly, no matter what kinds of obstacles they face. Learn more about her work at www.stephaniemcleodestevez.com and subscribe to her Let’s talk Art Therapy; Tips, Tools, Strategies & Resources newsletter.