What to Do When You Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself in Motherhood by Jessie Harrold

I remember, when I was pregnant with my daughter ten years ago, that my most prevalent fear at the thought of bringing her into the world was not the birthing process, or figuring out how to bathe her or nurse her or choose the “right” baby carrier.

No.

I was afraid that I would lose myself in motherhood.

I remember writing in my journal in those early days, as my skin stretched and I felt those first fluttery kicks, “But what will happen to ME?” And then, resolutely – if somewhat naively – I wrote: “I will not let motherhood change who I am.”

At the time, my life was defined by international travel, my love of surfing, and a great many hours spent lingering in cafes with a book in my hand.

But my life had, in the years before I became a mother, also been defined by being a doula, supporting other women through the transition to motherhood. And so my approach to my impending matrescence was unique: I already knew a lot about birth and the first few weeks postpartum. I could talk for days about how a woman’s body changes as she traverses labour and breastfeeding, but the questions I found myself with – the questions I was fervently scribbling in my journal as my belly grew – were about how my identity would change when I became a mother.

In the years that have followed, this is the question that singularly occupied my own time of transformation, and then became the focus of my work with mothers.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

You will lose yourself in motherhood.

Before you start breathing into a paper bag, or raising your feminist fist in defiance, consider this:

What if losing yourself is not the problem of motherhood, but the point?

I came to realize that the fear I had of losing myself was a fear born in a culture that devalues mothers so much that to fully surrender to the transformative process of motherhood has become the worst possible thing that could happen to a woman who births a baby.

But what if losing yourself is not problem of motherhood, but the point?

What if motherhood is asking us not to return to our old selves – to sift back through our pre-motherhood days searching for who we were – but to become someone new?

What if, as we toss our old jeans into the garbage, we remember that our bodies have made an everyday miracle? What if, as we shush and rock for the hundredth hour, we notice that we have a greater capacity for empathy? What if, as we know just the thing our babies need, we realize that we have been granted access to a deeper sense of intuition?

As for me? Well, I got a new surfboard for Christmas this year. Nine years postpartum, and I’m ready to hit the waves again. But alongside surfing and all the other things I gave up in my early mothering years, I left the job I hated and started a business. I started writing poetry again. And I have begun to trust that the parts of me that I was meant to reclaim, eventually, after becoming a mother, would return to my life with a force that I have found to be almost gravitational.

And so, there are parts of yourself that you’ll lose in motherhood too. You’ll surrender them, willingly or not, because holding on so tightly is more painful than letting go. And some of those things might return, but they won’t necessarily return on your timeline. They never do.

And so, mama, if you’re feeling lost in motherhood, let me remind you: it’s okay. You are okay. This is normal; you are supposed to feel like a different person. If you are lost, right now, know that finding your way into who you are as a mother will take time, and it will be uncomfortable. But you are not broken. You are becoming. In the meantime, it helps to have a map.

In my own early postpartum days nine years ago, I pulled out my journal again after a long night of breastfeeding, and in a jolt of the kind of ethereal clarity only a nearly-sleepless night allows, I began to write what I (cleverly, I thought) called a Momifesto.

A Momifesto is a declaration of your devotion both to motherhood, AND to yourself.
It is how you want to be, as a mother, and as a woman who happens to be a mother.
It is the kind of thing you keep tucked in your handbag or the pocket of your favourite cardigan for the days when you feel lost and unsure of yourself as you traverse through the foggy days of early motherhood.
It’s a compass for your motherhood, and a map back home to yourself.

Here are a few questions that can help you begin to create a Momifesto for yourself:

What do you know about yourself? Start small; start easy. Blue eyes. Loves pizza. Keep going until you get to the heart of who are.

What matters most to you? From only ever eating the best chocolate to being fiercely committed to social justice, consider what’s important to you.

What strengths do you have that will support you in motherhood?

How would you like to meet with the challenges of motherhood? What resources, support or tools do you need to accomplish this?

Remember, mama: you are becoming. It takes time, and it’s uncomfortable. But when lose yourself in motherhood – when you surrender who you were to the possibility of who you are becoming – the woman you will find will amaze you.

Jessie Harrold is a doula, coach, women’s mentor and mother of two. She is the founder of MotherSHIFT, a program that supports women with the identity shift into motherhood, and the forthcoming book titled Mothershift: Reclaiming the Rite of Passage into Motherhood. If you would like to download the full Momifesto workbook, head to https://www.jessieharrold.com/the-momifesto-workbook/
Learn more about Jessie’s work here and follow her on Instagram @jessie.es.harrold