Going Deep with Sarah and Teresa on grief, breastfeeding book recommendations, pregnancy skincare products, adding more children to your family, and mom sleep
In this month's Going Deep, Teresa and Sarah answer your questions about simultaneously managing grief and motherhood, breastfeeding book recommendations, their favorite beauty and skincare products to use while pregnant, the transition of adding more children to your family, and winding ourselves down at night and easing into sleep. Please send your questions to us here!
Dear Teresa and Sarah, I know this is a deeply personal question, but I’d like to ask if you have any thoughts or insight on tackling grief while still being a joyful and stable parent. I am in the process of losing my mother to cancer and I have two children who are 7 and 5. I am trying very hard to still be the mum they know, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and worried that they feel my sadness. Thanks if you’ll answer me and all the best to you from Italy!
-Maria
SWO: Maria,
First of all I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. It’s so hard to lose a parent. I took care of my father when he was sick and I was pregnant with my daughter Esmé. I had a 2.5 year old at home and another one on the way and during the process it became very clear my father would never meet my little girl. I was worried about the heaviness I carried for my baby inside of me but also for my son who was used to having a very happy and positive mommy to care for him. I wrote an article about this time in my life that may be helpful during this transition.
Feeling overwhelmed, I reached out to a wonderful therapist who works with pregnancy and postpartum as well as family therapy. I sat in her office week after week or called her on the phone, and talked to her about my concerns. It was so helpful to talk to someone and get reassurance from her. Some things I learned: Its okay for your children to see you grieve. It is actually important for them to understand and not be in the dark about what you are going through. You can be honest with your little ones and say mommy is feeling sad today because I am thinking about grandma. It’s also important to talk about how grandma will not always be with us earth side but we will always have her in our hearts and in our memories.
We lost our dog the year before I lost my dad and I kept telling my son that one day grandpa will go and be with Dakota in heaven. I had many days after losing my dad where I would cry, be lost in thought and feel sad. My little boy would say to me, “Mama, are you thinking about Grandpa?” and I would smile and say, “Yes, I am and my heart is hurting right now.” My son would say to me, “It’s ok, Mama, Grandpa is with Dakota in heaven and he’s not hurting anymore.”
He would hug me and then he would go about his play, but he knew why I was sad and he knew that I wouldn’t always be sad-that this was his mommy processing her feelings of losing her father. I am sending you so much love. I hope that in this time you will take moments for yourself to grieve however your body needs. I hope you will embrace the pain and tears when they come and allow your body to release the hurt it will be holding onto.
TP: I think Sarah is the perfect person to answer this question as she had to navigate immense grief after her fathers passing whilst still having to show up for her children. My experience with this was during a brief period of time when Bodhi was about 18 months old. I had just experienced a pregnancy loss and just essentially went offline for a week or so to cope. I stayed in the house, bunked up with Bodhi, ate junk food and played games with him. It was my way to distract myself. I cried in front of Bodhi and explained why. I just felt the need to be open about my emotions. It was a messy and imperfect period of time but it meant I was able to process my emotions thoroughly. I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope you allow yourself the time to grieve in whatever way feels healing.
I’m just wondering if there is a good book or website that you can recommend to me on breastfeeding? I’m due to have my second baby in about 8 weeks and my breast feeding journey did not go as I had hoped it would last time. I ended up having an emergency c section so bub and I experienced some trauma which lead to issues in milk supply. Well this is what I was told anyways. I had also planned on a drug free labour and birth which obviously also did not go to plan. I was given so much conflicting information in regards to my milk supply and breast feeding and it was incredibly overwhelming as a new and first time mum. My journey lasted only 4 months and I really was hoping for minimum of a year breast feeding. Unfortunately it’s looking like natural birth isn’t meant for me, so I am determined to make my breast feeding journey a different one this time as I’ll have more control over the outcome of feeding than I will the birth. So if you have any books or websites that you could recommend to me, I would really appreciate it!
-Hollie
TP: Hello Hollie! I hope that you can have a more positive breastfeeding experience this time around. I’m sorry your journey didn’t go as planned. My first birth had many aspects to it that really threw me, but it also helped me to understand what I really hoped for next tine round and it seems like you have a really wonderful outlook on it all. My two favourite breastfeeding books are “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” written by Le Leche League International. As well as “Ina Mays’ Guide to Breastfeeding.” It talks about the importance of on demand feeding and pacifying the baby at your breast to increase milk production. Both are beautiful books and easy reads. In Sarah and I’s book “Zen Mamas: Finding your Path through Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond,” we write a lot about breastfeeding, share advice, tips, latching how-to’s and talk about our experiences with nursing if you’d like to check that out too. Sending all our love and best wishes.
SWO: Hi Hollie,
The most important thing to know is that every breastfeeding journey is different, so you do not have to worry that anything that happened last time will be the same. Every birth, child, and breastfeeding journey will be unique to the soul it surrounds. I love the books Teresa recommended and also wanted to add that you can find great videos online that are helpful for breastfeeding. I spoke to a store here in LA called the Pump Station and they had a breastfeeding class I took and videos that were helpful. You should also use the resource of the hospital lactation specialist, or if you are having a home birth or birth center, the help of the midwives, assistants and doulas will be amazing. If you are struggling in your first couple of weeks, you can reach out to a lactation specialist for some comfort and guidance. Sometimes it is as easy as a phone call and other times a doula or specialist can come and watch you breastfeed and help make sure there are no latch issues. The books that Teresa mentioned are filled with so many amazing resources and were my guides during the first few months I fed my littles.
Wishing you all the best.
xo
Hi Teresa and Sarah,
I’m expecting my second baby and this time I am very concerned about what [makeup and skin care] products I can safely use during my pregnancy. Many thanks in advance!
-Irene
TP: BAEO!! I love this brand, Sarah and Anna have done an amazing job with sourcing everything organic and gentle for your baby’s skin. They cater for every thing you’d need for you and your bub. I used it all throughout my pregnancy, I especially love the Bare Face stick and so do my kids. In terms of makeup, I love mineral makeup. Josie Maran has a wonderful brand of natural makeup and skincare that really feels great on your skin. Enjoy your pregnancy!!
SWO: Yes I love this question!! and (THANK YOU Teresa)
Ilia is an amazing brand!!
They have everything you could possibly want from a makeup line and they are clean!
I love the tinted moisturizer from Suntegrity
Beauty counter also offers some very gorgeous lip and eyeshadow colors and they are very pigmented, so they last a long time.
Tata Harper is one of my favorite skincare brands but they are pretty expensive so I keep it very simple and just buy the one thing I love the most: the Regenerating cleanser daily exfoliate.
For my moisturizer, I use the organic products that I make called bāeo. You can use them on yourself and on your baby. I use the bare butter as my moisturizer on my face and all over my body. I use the bare suds as my body wash. I use the bare face and bare kiss when my skin is feeling extra dry. Feel free to use my code (welcometobaeo) for a discount if you wanna try.
What was the transition and the biggest challenges and blessings going from 1-2 kids and 2-3 kids? What things did you find the most helpful to Make the transition smoother? How did the family dynamic change with adding another sibling?
-Cathrine
TP: I found the jump from 1-2 kids more significant than 2-3 kids. I believe it’s because Bodhi was not yet 3 when Forest was born and he still really needed me physically, socially and mentally. Life just continued on for him as it should, but now I had a newborn that also needed me! So, then began the juggle. Less sleep for mama, more jam packed days ensuring everyone was happy. It was just a transition that took time to get used to.
Once Forest turned one, Bodhi and him started to really connect and play with each other. They are the very best of friends now and in fact hardly want to do play dates with other children because every day feels like a play date to them! My favourite thing is seeing their bond. They sleep cuddling each other, Bodhi gets Forest dressed every morning, they just are obsessed with each other and their personalities really compliment one another. For this reason, the jump from 2-3 felt very smooth because my oldest two are so enmeshed so it feels like I have all this luxurious time to connect with Poet as the boys are so engaged with one another.
My tips are this: use a baby carrier! Make sure you’re hands free, it’s a godsend. Consider your age gaps between the children, I’m not sure I would’ve been able to handle closer than the age gaps I had between mine. Each time, my youngest child has been old enough to already be toilet trained and sleeping through the night.
Adding children to your family certainly changes the dynamic, but it opens it up in the most beautiful of ways. I’m not sure there’s anything sweeter than seeing your children fall in love with their siblings.
SWO: I was a little nervous that my relationship would change with my son when adding a new baby to the family. My son was so excited about having a sister during my whole pregnancy and he couldn’t wait for her to join us. The best piece of advice I got from a mommy and me teacher was to make sure I had time with my son one on one. If the baby is crying and your toddler is crying, as long as your baby is safe you go and tend to your toddler first. Check in with your older child and then you can go together to check on the baby. Another tip I got was to bring my toddler to my appointments to talk about the baby and then when the baby arrives at home or the hospital and your toddler meets your baby for the first time, have the baby bring a gift for your toddler. My son LOVED this and couldn’t wait to see what his sister brought him (a little red wooden boat).
I have really struggled with sleep for the last three years between breastfeeding and having a waking up toddler/preschooler. How do manage to wind down and sleep well? Going back to sleep after being woken up by a baby/toddler is such a struggle!
-Nadya
TP: Hi Nadya! Yes, it’s really hard with broken sleep. I’ve had 3 kids in 5 years and I haven’t slept properly since my first was born. Broken sleep has become my new normal. We co-sleep, so I think the wake ups aren’t quite as hard because even if someone stirs a little or if I nurse, we are all half asleep so we don’t completely wake up and then have to wind back down to sleep again. What I’ve found is that if I can ensure I fall asleep every night by 9:30/10pm, then I know I at least get 8 hours of broken sleep. I take the same approach I take with the children and I have a night time routine. I take a warm bath and listen to a podcast before getting in to bed, putting in my silicon earplugs (best for noise cancelling!) and slip on an eye mask! I have to keep my room dark and exclusively as a sleep space which promotes more abundant sleep. Phones off from 9pm, they always end up being too stimulating. If I’m having a particularly hard time sleeping I’ll do a brain dump in my diary right before my head hits the pillow. Best of luck to you mama. We are all in the trenches together!
SWO: SUCH A STRUGGLE!! YES love Teresas tips!!! I completely agree with you. I bought this book light that was so helpful, so I could read and get sleepy again to fall asleep when I would get fully woken up at night. Other great tips are to stay off your phone, try to meditate, relax all the muscles in your face. Sometimes it does just feel impossible to fall asleep and when that happens, try to remember that just resting your body in bed can be so good for you and your nervous system and you will sleep when you sleep. It’s also really helpful to use lavender or roman chamomile oil, rub it on your chest with a carrier oil or some lotion so it doesn’t burn your skin, and take some big relaxing breaths as you start to fall asleep. Good luck mama!
