Breaking the Post-Partum Anxiety Taboo by Cynthia Alaniz
Photo by Matt Hoffman
I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but never to the point that I needed medication or any real intervention. After over a year of trying to get pregnant in 2011, my husband and I welcomed our first child. I was so looking forward to motherhood but quickly I felt the opposite. I had a long and difficult labor and when I came home I immediately felt overwhelmed and tearful. Those feelings only worsened over the next couple months. Our daughter had colic and I was so tired. My husband and I did not know how to soothe her. I also had trouble with milk supply, and was put on Reglan.
One of the side effects of Reglan can actually be psychosis, especially when used postpartum. I probably should have never taken that medication because along with everything else, I started to develop these awful thoughts. It would start if I was doing something like bathing my daughter. I would imagine her drowned and think, what if somebody drowned her in a bathtub? I would think about her being placed in an oven, microwave or being stolen away from me. When I saw anything I saw in the news or on TV about a hurt child, I would immediately put my daughter in that place. The thought of what it would look like or how it would be would pop into my head.
At first, I thought it was just because I was tired and emotional. I got off the medication, (you are only allowed to take it a short amount of time for that reason) but those thoughts stayed with me. One day I was at a doctors appointment with her and I thought to myself, what would happen if I dropped her off the edge of this balcony? Would people be horrified? How would I feel? I immediately burst into tears and ran to the bathroom because I almost threw up. The very thought of it was horrifying. I knew then I might have postpartum depression.
I went to my doctor who was supportive and I saw a counselor and got on medication. They diagnosed me primarily with postpartum anxiety. I reached out to my friends and family, and everyone was so supportive. It took so much out of me just to be honest with those closest to me. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment for a long time. These thoughts hadn’t just been going on for a couple weeks, and by the time I got help she was close to four months old. During this time I felt like a failure, that I didn’t like motherhood, that I couldn’t wait for her to get older, that I absolutely hated the newborn phase and felt like I had no idea what I was doing.
Eventually I was able to get off the antidepressant with some counseling, and set goals for myself. I decided to run some local races, which gave me a goal and something to look forward to. I went on to have two other children without any major issues afterwards. I still suffer from anxiety, and every now and then those thoughts come back into my head, mainly catastrophic worries about my children. I am currently on medication again and seeing a therapist, and kind of feel like the anxiety never really left me.
I saw something on TV the other day where Alanis Morissette talked about her postpartum depression and it reminded me so much of myself. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed. I talk openly about what I went through. I share my story with any new mother I know or somebody expecting that is close to me, and let them know that it’s okay to reach out if you feel overwhelmed and that sometimes motherhood isn’t what do you expect it to be. I think it is so good that we are starting to talk about this now.. There is not a worse feeling than knowing people are questioning if you might hurt your child. It made me feel sick, and I think it is so important to talk about post-partum anxiety, and to make sure people aren’t afraid so they can also get the help they need, whether it be medical or just sympathizing within their community of other mothers and friends.
Cynthia Alaniz is a wife, mother and nurse. She is from the small town of Las Vegas, New Mexico and currently lives in Beaverton Oregon with her husband, three children and pet fish.