My Son, my Hero by M.J.Silva

Never thought I'd live to see this. Nonetheless live it. Or have to expose my ten year old child this way. 
After months of being separated from my son's father, he decided to take me to court. The moment I received the court's letter, my heart froze. We had agreed that there was no need for a stranger or a paper to dictate our son's life and cut his freedom. I felt weak and afraid. For me because I was caught off guard, but mostly for my child. 

He's an autonomous healthy child. He's always been. He's an outstanding drummer, he cooks, he speaks his mind, is super activel, adventurous rocket and space expert. Hilarious and talented on so many levels! He makes movies, dances (and invites me to dance whenever my emotions get carried away), he writes books, he's super kind, resilient and gentle force of nature human being. 

Although it's very common for children not to want to speak to strangers -which he hates- in my son's case he gets overwhelmed by fear, freezes and panics. It's excruciating to watch. And sometimes not being able to do anything is just heartbreaking. Heartbreaking not to be able as a mother to protect our child. And you feel like the worst moms in the world. Like today. Today I know my son needed me by his side and I wasn't able to be there for him. I was forced to let him alone with a bunch of strangers in a courtroom without the possibility of calling me or being with me. For over an hour. With a stomach ache and a fever. Imagine this? Inumane, to say the least.

Yesterday he had a super high fever and started to get very sick. I picked him up from school at lunch. And his fever started to raise as the day went by. I knew he was nervous about going to court. He said: "this is so unfair and no child should go through this". I agreed. People around me told me that it was just because of his nervous system that he had fever and the stomach ache. I confess I felt my sarcastic side rushing up and down my spine. But I just tried to keep my cool and explain it wasn't. I know my son enough to know that a high fever and soft poop aren't all just nervous system complications. As anyone with a bit of a heart would. As a mother I did whatever I could for him not to go to court because no child should be exposed to this uncomfortable, unfair situation. Much less a sick child. He himself expressed his discomfort and disappointment and disagreement passionately and eloquently. He was ignored. Unfortunately I had no choice but to take him there. And we went. I managed to make him laugh and just let him bite one of my nails that he'd been asking me for so long to bite. And we played around it even! Fast forward, while me and his father went to the courtroom to be heard, my son had to go with a woman he didn't know to a room he didn't know where it was or who would be there. But he did. And I had no choice but to let him go. It was fricking tough. To say the least. He went. Then he was called to testify. Fortunately he was heard. He later confessed he almost cried - I had told him earlier that if he felt the need to cry it was ok, that he could and should cry if he needed to - because crying is ok. 

My ten year old son went alone - alone without me consenting it or not, without him being able to have a voice in the matter- he was forced to go and there was nothing I could do about it. Or to change it. 
He went alone to a room with four stranger adults - strangers!- asking him questions - the vulnerability of a child being exposed like that...
Children are fragile. But, you know - I learned that they are strong as well. They're teachers of strength. A sick child having to do this. Alone. Without his mom to hold his hand or letting him know everything is and will be ok. 
I myself heard things inside that room that I honestly have a hard time chewing and swallowing still. 
Selfishness is a felling that has always complicated with my internal system. And I believe we have to let go of our own possession feelings when it comes to our children. Our children are not our property. 
My son went alone with his stomach hurting, without having eaten practically anything. He went alone with a fever of over 37,5oC. And the weirdest thing is that nobody else seemed to care about that but me. I felt I was in a movie. I sat in the courtroom without an attorney or anyone to represent me. I decided to represent myself and my son's interests and views and opinions and freedom above all -because in a separation situation that should be what matters- in my view. Every time I spoke or as I felt the endless minutes going by- all I wanted was to be with my child and assure him that he was safe and that I was there. 

When it finally happened, we exchanged smiles and we went out of the building as fast as we possibly could. His tummy ached and his forehead was hot. All my son wanted was just to come home and build his rockets and play. No one but me noticed how tired his beautiful big brown eyes were. How pale his face was. -noone but me. Because he (almost) always carries a big smile on his face.  And I had to let him go through that situation alone. 

After a couple of hours helping him get what he needed to build the rockets he wanted, celebrating that I was able to install what he needed, he enthusiastically built his rockets before giving in to tiredness. Fortunately he managed to eat a bowl of chicken soup and a slice or two of banana. 

By dinner time his fever went up and his tummy started to hurt even more. He went pooping and I just tried everything I could to make him laugh. 

When I asked him if it had been a tough day he said: "Nooo! I got to build the Delta2 rocket I wanted. And you installed what I needed mom! And tomorrow I want to build the BFR!" 
I just thought: what an inspiration of strength and resilience. I will follow his lead as much as I can. 

He's now laying in bed next to me sleeping. I know this is going to be one more sleepless night when he'll wake me in the middle of the night asking me to make up a story about Mr. Sausage or Mr. Moustache at 4.03 in the morning. But that's fine. Because in a few days I might not have him sleeping under my roof. So that's fine. Before he falls asleep, we have a routine. A routine we've had since the night we came home from the hospital, after he was born a super tiny baby. We talk, we read, we play our "I love you more than you love me" game,  I always tell him: "I love you always. No matter what you say or do. Dream about things that make you happy. If you need anything - anything at all - wake me. You're so very special." The only difference is that in those days he would fall asleep at my singing "Don't Stot Believing" and Faithfully" by Journey. Never thought this day would come. But it did. Never thought there would come the day that I'd have to expose my child this way. But I learned today that I'm stronger than I thought I was. So I know you are strong too. 

A few days away from launching the second edition of my book, looking in the mirror today made me realize that after all I'm made of a stronger matter than I thought I was. I'm a cancer- so tears, emotions and vulnerability are my middle names. If anyone had ever told me a few weeks back that this would happen in my life, I would find it very hard to believe them. But it did. And unfortunately it's not over yet. 

So for now I'm celebrating and embracing another sleepless night, just lying in bed taking care of my sick child. 

You know: Today my child was a hero. The hero. My hero. My sweet boy angel went through what no child should go through on their own. Ever. 
And I'm inspired by his strength. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. So for now I'll just try to be as available and present as I can be. 
And hope kindness invades me as much as possible in this moment. 

And also hope I'm able to hold on to days like this in the future. When my strength fails me. When I feel afraid to move forward and take a leap. Personally or in projects that I'm sure are meant for me: books, scripts, movies, songs, plays, partnerships.  Everything. And that I'm able to remind my child of his own strength when he feels he lacks it. And encourage him to always say the truth.  There's only one thing that I should have done and didn't do: hold him before he went to that room alone and let him know how much I love him and that everything is - and will be ok. I regret that and will never have that opportunity back again. 

Today let's hold on to our babies as much as we can. And endlessly kiss them goodnight, share a good laugh, a back scratch, a conversation with a wonderful word of hope. And remind them how special and loved they are. And that tomorrow will always be a whole new and better day. And that the best is yet to come. And that we have to keep smiling along the way. As much as we can. With LOVE,MJ

M.J. Silva is a writer, playwright, publisher, photographer, journalist, filmmaker, designer, host, editor, producer, director, proofreader, translator, book cover artist, illustrator, biographer, storyteller, and teacher. She’s a food tester, recipe developer and The Silver Magazine/ The Silver Mag Kids’ Editor in Chief.

She’s also the mom of a 10 year old boy D. and Zen, their 12 year old basset hound.

She started writing when she was only fifteen years old and in her twenties, she saw two of her first stories published in Portuguese national publications (Correio da Manhã and Diário de Notícias newspapers). M.J. got her degree in journalism and media from the Portuguese Catholic University, but dedicated 20 years of her life working with children.

Together with her son, they’re now hosting Connection Storytime, 1 Minute Fun Math and 1 Minute Fun Grammar based on the Waldorf method on M.J’s Instagram and YouTube channel.

M.J. is launching her mandalas, cartoons, portraits, creative writing and cooking fun online courses and workshops for everyone around the world who has always wanted to learn these skills and has never had the time. And these courses were created with a special intention: to prove to those who believe that they aren’t creative enough or skilled enough to draw or write that we all can create more than we think.

M.J.Silva --- Mom | Writer | Journalist | Editor in Chief| Publisher | Designer | Photographer | Filmmaker | Playwright | Director | Song Ruiner | UCP Alumni Editor in Chief: The Silver Mag | My Sweet KitchenSilver Books Publishing | Mogul Books Publishing | IA Publishing Contributor: Your Zen MamaEditor at large: Huffington PostColumnist: Up To KidsAuthor of the conscious parenting book: Kids Don't Misbehave