What Breast Cancer Taught Me About Parenting: 3 Insights Every Mom Needs By Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC
Being a mom is an ever evolving role. It’s not always clear what is the right or best decision to make. Learning how to take a step back and observe what your kids are showing you about who they are and what they need can make it easier to find your way through.
For me, the lessons I learned parenting with breast cancer have been priceless. What I discovered is the power of trusting my kids and self-care. This has made a difference in how we navigate new chapters together.
As a psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience, I know it’s through adversity that you learn more about yourself and grow. Cancer gave us the opportunity to see my kids’ resilience in action. This gave us hope that even in the darkest moments, you can find the light.
1. Your kids know when something is wrong. Be honest with them and use accurate words to describe the problem. Research shows that the most important thing a child needs is a secure, trustworthy attachment to their caregivers. Your kids need to believe that you are telling them the truth. Using accurate words to describe the problem is best practice because it offers clear information.
Children are very perceptive. If you skirt the truth, they’ll sense that something is off. They’ll likely try to fill in the gaps with their own explanation of what’s happening. Not only does this create additional stress, they may end up feeling responsible. This can impact the trust and secure connection they have with you.
Initially, I feared telling my kids the truth about my breast cancer diagnosis because I wanted to protect them. Once my kids knew, they were able to express their feelings, ask questions, and receive the support they needed. This meant that they were able to talk about what was worrying them without feeling like they were doing something wrong.
2. Let them have a voice, include them in the problem solving process when you can. One of the lessons I learned about being sick is that everyone who loved me needed to feel like they could do something to help. My kids were no different. Some of my favorite memories from that time come from watching them respond to the situation.
My youngest was only in kindergarten and he could tell that people were often trying to figure out why I looked different. He started taking initiative to address what he saw by introducing me. He’d say, “This is my mom, she’s bald.”. To be honest, it made being bald that much easier. I couldn’t help but smile and feel in awe of his bravery and intelligence.
When your kids feel like they have agency and a voice, they feel more in control of the circumstances they face. This sense of purpose is an act of love that helps them to cope and grow.
3. Respect and respond to your needs. Hold space for your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Just like the airlines tell us, you need to put your oxygen mask on first so that you can help your child. When you feel overwhelmed or tired, it may feel impossible to do so, but taking care of your needs is imperative to be an effective caregiver.
Journalling, creative expression, and breath work are all examples of how you can hold space for your thoughts and feelings. I recommend practicing them daily, even if it’s only for 5 minutes, so that you remember to use these tools.
When you hold space for your thoughts and feelings, you’re less likely to react to them in ways that undermine how you want to respond. When you let them be without judgment, you experience how quickly they can pass. Once the intensity has lowered, you can more accurately assess what you need and make a plan for how to address it.
May this knowledge invite you to rethink how you see challenges and the purpose they serve towards strengthening the bonds you have as a family. Let clear communication, attunement, and respect for you and your kids needs be the beacon of light that guides you. When you focus on what matters most in life, you can appreciate each moment you have in a deeper way.
Stephanie McLeod-Estevez, LCPC, is the art therapist and breast cancer survivor who hosts a weekly radio show, Live Radiantly, on WMPG, from the University of Southern Maine. Her unwavering passion lies in empowering women to embrace life boldly, through connecting to their innate creativity and resiliency. To learn more about her coaching services and story, visit www.stephaniemcleodestevez.com. Receive her free art therapy newsletter and listen to episodes from the radio show by subscribing to her "Spark Curiosity, Live Radiantly," Substack.