3 Ways to Inspire Family Connection Over Chaos By Elisha Goldstein, PhD
Raising a modern family is anything but simple. There’s been an unsettling and unhealthy shift happening in our culture today: we’re making less intimate contact in modern families, as the bonds between partners, and parents and children weaken through distraction and busyness. Everyone has something to do, whether it’s work, homework, sports, school events, or just being at the dinner table looking at phones and tablets instead of connecting with one another.
Sometimes, you can catch “love on the fly” as you come and go in the house or with cursory soundbites with a quick “luv u.”
The fact is connection is at the epicenter of a healthy relationship and family. If you’re feeling disconnection, here are three ways you can begin to nurture more connection over chaos.
First, Inspire a Connected YOU!
Years ago, my wife and I sat with the famous pediatrician and author Berry Brazelton. Toward the end of his talk Brazelton said, “You know, it may be that the enormous field of child development and parenting has actually done parents a disservice. It has sent them the message that they need to look to experts to find the answers, when oftentimes the answers lie within. They always have.”
Learning how to pause and listen deeply to yourself allows you to tap into an innate parenting wisdom that lives in you. Find space in your day to slow down, take a breath, and ask yourself what you need in any given moment. Learning how to genuinely attune to yourself more readily will set the foundation for attuning to others in your family. As parents, we’re all imperfect. Remember that and be kind to yourself in stressful moments.
Second, Inspire a Connected Couple
When we’re feeling disconnected, it’s natural to be irritable and hungry to connect. However, often we fill this with the next streaming episode, work or pouring an extra glass of wine. Whether you’re in a partnership, just out of one or looking to get into one, learning how to nurture loving connection will give you the inspiration you need to create more connection in the family.
The simplest way to do this is to look for the small moment opportunities for connection in the day. If you’re out of practice, you might feel a bit vulnerable so it can take some creativity and courage. Take a deep breath, release any doubts or fears, and refocus. You can do simple things, like hold hands or a simple caress of a cheek. A moment of looking at each other in the eyes and truly listening can go a long way. Or maybe a good hug until both bodies relax, this lets us know the nervous systems are aligned. Small moments of love make us feel grounded, calm and happier. Drop by drop, can fill our relational buckets.
Inspire a Connected Child (and Parent)
Kids are different at all ages. When they’re little, they’re our greatest teachers of connection, always wanting to be with us. As they get older, it gets a bit more complicated. They look more toward their friends for social engagement, there’s the pressure of school and an unruly distraction with technology.
The truth is, at any age our kids are watching us, learning passively about how to be in the world. If it’s common to stare at your phone while answering your child’s question, they learn that fully listening isn’t that important. If you frequently snap at drivers on the road, you’re teaching them that aggression is a healthy response to slights.
On the other hand, if you own your action and talk openly about emotions, you inspire emotional intelligence, the belief that emotions are safe, and that repair can be made. When rebound from shame, you also inspire resilience.
Finally, before you get home or any time you’re about to spend time with your kid, prepare yourself. Set the intention to genuinely attend. Just being fully present in whatever you’re doing sends the message that “you matter” and heightens the experience of perceived connection.
Remember the simple truth that connection is that the epicenter of the well-being of the individual, the couple and the family. In the small moments we can inspire connection over chaos.
Elisha Goldstein, PhD is a renowned mindfulness teacher, a clinical psychologist, author of numerous bestselling books, creator of the popular YouTube Channel, creating practical mental health videos to educate and inspire people. He is also the creator of the breakthrough "mental health accelerator" program, Uncover the Power Within. He lives in Los Angeles with his family. For more information visit www.elishagoldstein.com.