All Children Get Angry by M.J.Silva

When children rage, they are, in fact, communicating.

It’s frightening. It’s powerful. It jolts parents all across the globe. But it’s a worldwide known natural inevitability. All children get angry. Anger is a universal feeling and emotion. That triggers reactions that parents (and professionals) are not always emotional and intellectually geared up for. Sadly we don’t learn how to deal with anger in parenting school. There is no parenting school! And unknowing parenting can cause a serious amount of trouble in the world. Awareness is power!

And when it comes to anger, this ginormous universal feeling, this frightening enigmatic emotion that parents have such a hard time dealing with – and unintentionally mistake for misbehavior — know-how is an unbelievable superpower that can save Parentopolis — and Kidtown — from a lot of pain and regret. And anger. Naturally.

An angry child is just the tip of a serious, secret, titanic iceberg.

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if all parents knew how to reach out for their angry child?

If your answer is yes let me comfort you with this overwhelming intel. Twenty years studying, researching, and working with children - and counting - has helped me figure out and discover incredible truths about children. When you study and work with human behavior and child development, you start seeing patterns and discovering how the whole human mechanics work.

It may look odd at first. But once you realize what’s going on inside of you and inside your child, you’ll find aha moments everywhere! When children rage, they are, in fact, communicating. They are begging for our help. And desperately longing for connection. When kids rage, it's a cry for help that they can't verbalize in any other way. Which makes it harder because disconnection is the mainstream. We can all operate under disconnection perfectly. Although we are all biologically wired for the opposite. How odd is that?

Why is it so hard for us parents to deal with an angry child? The reason is in equal parts easy and intricate. Most parents grew up with their big feelings scolded. Believe it or not, all of us raged, were angry or raised our hands at our parents at some point. We just don’t remember it anymore.

Many of us were taught we weren’t allowed to manifest our big feelings by raging. That’s another reason why it’s so hard for adults to cope with this matter. We might not understand now why our children get so angry. Everything was fine right now, what in the world happened for my kid to snap like that? Right?

Rage is a manifestation of big feelings. Children can’t come up to you and say: ”I’m so frustrated these Lego pieces keep falling down and you keep distracting me.” A 3-year-old can’t tell you: “I saw the teacher at school yelling at my best friend and I felt indignated. And he cried. And I felt bad because he cried and I felt so impotent I couldn’t help him.”

Children act and react the way they can, and know, how. The way we, as parents, react to those manifestations is what makes the difference. It’s scary. It’s confusing. I know. But it’s even scarier for them. When kids rage, they're not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard moment and need you to walk through that moment.

Managing our own emotions before addressing an angry child and understanding why it makes us pop when a child rages, being familiar with what happens inside a child’s mind and heart: those factors are key.

An angry child communicates huge feelings. Or deep wants. Or deep unwants. Under the surface of anger, deep hurts are buried. Connection is key. When your child is angry, stay with her. You will be under fire, but stay with your child. You're your child’s safe harbor. We all need someone to unburden our troubles with. Children are no different. If your child trusts you, if she feels she can unburden her big feelings with you, she will blow off her steam in front of you. Believe it or not, that’s a good thing.

So the next time your child rages, here are three things that you can do.

Nothing:
Nothing? I know, I know. But nothing is the best thing to do. When a child rages at you she’s not really raging at you. Being still allows the child to unburden what’s bothering her and will be able to recover in your warmth. “I’m here for you” is enough. And then be still and wait. Like in the song. With arms wide open.

Listen:
Like each and every one of us, a child just needs to feel heard and feel supported when she’s upset. Do we need nagging, corrections or lectures when we’re not OK? Neither do children. A child needs parents to hear her. Not just hear. Listen. Listen actively. Quietly. Without judgment. We always tend to rush to comment or say something back when children talk. A simple: “I see” or “Oh” or silence will do.

Offer comfort:
Don't shush your child, trying to keep her calm. That might send the message that she has no right to express what she's feeling and that she needs to be quiet. That's not what we want in order for the child to fully heal from that experience. It's important that the child lets out ALL the emotion that she's feeling through her tears until she has no more tears to cry. Sometimes it takes a minute. Sometimes it's two hours. She may need to even physically vent all that she's feeling before she starts feeling relieved. Some children don't like being hugged when they're venting their emotions. It triggers feelings of shame and exposure and they may tell you to go away. But they need you very much. So stay close. “I’m here if you need/when you’re ready for a hug.”

These words are magic.

Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t.

But if you stay with your child, you'll be helping her feel safe.

All you can do is keep on trying.

M.J. Silva is the mom of an 11-year-old boy D. and Zen, their 12-year-old basset hound. She's a Portuguese writer, playwright, publisher, photographer, journalist, filmmaker, small bookshop owner, designer, host (The Silver Podcast + Kids Don't Misbehave Podcast), editor, producer, director, biographer, storyteller, and teacher. She’s a food tester, recipe developer, and The Silver Magazine/ The Silver Mag Kids’ Editor in Chief. Follow M.J. on Instagram @m.j.silver | @TheSilverMag