9 Doula Tips For Birthing Support Partners

As a doula I believe that when we step into the space of someone who is birthing a child, our agenda is solely to provide non-judgemental support that is focused on that person's physical and emotional needs. We hold space for them so they can move through this huge transformative time with a sense of safety, love and trust. The same applies for any person who is the chosen birth support for a mumma or birthing parent to be.

Sounds pretty simple right, but what tends to happen when labour actually begins, is that the excitement and nerves throw a spanner in the works and supporters may forget, freeze up, shut down or become so frazzled or stressed that they can't work out how to turn the key support focuses into practical support and instead may sometimes play a part in creating not the most ideal birthing environment.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all birthing partners need to be totally calm, zen and positive all the time. We are human and it's completely understandable why emotional moments of intensity arise. the experience of being in the room with someone you love, whilst they work the hardest they have ever done, perhaps feel the most vulnerable, raw, open, primal, joyful and everything else in between and also experiencing a pain (one of productivity yet still painful) like no other, can be hugely emotional for everyone, so it's easy to see how many birthing partners can feel lost in this space and end up becoming more of a spectator rather than an active supporter 

Providing Comfort does not require us to move mountains. It's all in the little things that collectively together will make for a more comforting and positive experience for all. So today I’d like to share with you some of my fundamental tips for supporting others as they labour, which does not require you to be one smidge of a pro, it just requires time and attention. And this support can start way before labour even begins...

Let me introduce you to the Prep Date Night

During my own pregnancy, I did indeed have a doula, despite my partner asking “ Can't you just Doula yourself” lol bless him. However I did feel that because of my training we didn't really require a doulas prenatal support, Instead, this was where the Prep Date Night was formed and something I have suggested clients try too. This date night occurred maybe once a month where we headed out to a favourite dining spot and discussed all things relating to labour birth, postpartum and becoming parents. 

We discussed our fears and how I deal with stress and anxiety, what things tend to help and what physical and emotional signs to look out for, so that my partner would be able to notice these signs if, or when they appeared and have a collection of tools to use to try bring me back down to calm. 

We spoke about my Birth Preferences, what we expected each of our roles actually would look like as parents, who did we think would do what, what was shared etc, what avenues of labour comfort could he use to support me and lots more.

Why did we do this? because assumptions can really cause havoc, both in those early days of being a parent, especially when you might have assumed your partner would be up doing the night wakes with you and it turns out your partner thought it was your responsibility, which is not a fab assumption to tackle in the throes of it all, and during labour. It's not ideal for a birthing parent to have to give their supporters instructions as to how to support them whilst they are in the midst of contractions and the depth of labour. 

So this date gives you both an opportunity to open up discussion about these assumptions, give space for questions that you didn’t even know you had and to explore your hopes and fears. This does not mean you will have all the answers, or know what to do all the time, but it will mean you may have a much better understanding of what your partner wants, needs and fears, so you can better support them when required. 

You also don't need to be on the same page with everything you explore but it's good to know if you're not. I like to say. You don't need to be reading the same book of life but it's always good to know what book they are reading so you at least have a better understanding of how to move forward on your journey with less confusion, more understanding and in turn, you can be a better supporter because finding out that they are reading a totally different ‘book’ to you when you are either sleep-deprived, in the throws of baby blues, learning to keep a little human alive or at the peak of your labour are just not the most ideal times to discover this and most certainly not a wonderful added surprise to the already ….. Path

What’s also important to note about this date night, is that it can’t be done at home! Why? because we all know how our houses are full of distractions, life admin, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to fold or even the enticing sofa and favourite tv show, but I urge you to resist and head outside, to the beach, to the park or pub, wherever it may be it will be quality time together because life can get pretty filled with ‘to-do’s’ leading up to the arrival of a new bub and you soon won’t have the freedom to go on many date nights, you avoid life distractions whilst learning and preparing together.

SHARE THE RESEARCH

So often the birthing parent ends up naturally falling into the role of researching and organising the majority of things relating to labour and birth but it does not need to be this way. The supporter does not need to wait until it's time to install the car seat to get on board and participate in the journey. If this is shared right from the early days you don't end up finding ourselves in the throes of labour, where you don't have the extra emotional or physical strength to explain to your partner all that you have learnt the whole way through birthing your bub. 

It helps the birthing mumma feel more at ease knowing you know what she knows, what she had explored, what birth options there are so that you can advocate for her and she can focus solely on being moment to moment and birthing her baby. It also helps birth supporters feel more connected to the journey at lot earlier, as a common comment made by partners is that they didn't know how they could be involved earlier and the birthing parents can, in turn, feel a little alone in the experience during pregnancy and more supported and connected as you share the mental load. 

EXPLORE THE STAGES OF LABOUR (both physical and emotional ones) 

One of my favourite memories from our Prep Nights is actually on the night my waters broke. It was a few days before Christmas so both feeling the festive vibes and we spent our date going over the stages of labour with laughter and excitement.  Actually, to be honest only half the date was focused on this, the other half got derailed by my partner deciding that the names of these labour stages needed to change so he began workshopping ideas

So how does this help you support better? 

Firstly, by understanding that labour has phases or stages and that with each one there are different physical and emotional signs that may arise. When you both have this knowledge under your belt, you can minimise the chances of fear or anxiety showing their faces during labour because you know these signs are all part of the natural labour process. That these are signs of things progressing and as much as they may seem intense, they are not necessarily signs of things to worry about. It also helps reduce the chances of tension building in the birthing space and tension is what you want to avoid. You are aiming for as much trust, sense of safety and love as possible so you can boost the love hormone oxytocin which will, in turn, help mummas body to relax, let go and do what it needs to go to get bubba out.  IT helps turn labour and birth sensations from one of fear, fear of the unknown fear that these signs and feelings are indicating something is ‘wrong’ to one of understanding, trust and a sign of natural labour progressing

An example of this is during my labour I was in the car on route to the hospital. Not long into the journey, my legs began to shake uncontrollably, my jaw began to shudder, I had hot and cold sweats and had a huge wave of nausea and I vividly remember looking up at my doula, who was in the front seat of the car and smiled. Well maybe not smiled but I felt like I was smiling with my eyes.  We had this knowing glance which said “ ahhh the labour stage Transition is here! It won't be much longer now until we meet bub!” 

How did I know this, because I had explored the stages of labour and the one called Transition means it's not too long now until the baby will be here. It is the last big surge that opens up your cervix enough to then begin the next stage of pushing the baby out!

So you can see how despite the super-strong intensity of my contractions, despite the big change in physical symptoms I was having, I felt like smiling because I recognised these different physical signs were signs of this phase called Transition which also meant that I was hopefully line and the key point here is that I was not afraid.

On the flip side of this, minutes later I then felt something happen in my stomach that was NOT expected, and immediately after this happened a surge of fear and adrenaline washed over me and I immediately stated that I wanted some gas when we got out of the car, I came out of my ‘labour Zone' and into my thinking head. I began to worry and tense up.

When we feel fear we want to be saved and we don't want to feel alone, so birthing partners roles are so key in these moments of vulnerability, intensity and transition. We need to surround them with encouragement and love and make sure the birthing person feels seen, heard and not alone. As a supporter you can step in to remind them that these are all signs of her body doing its thing and there is nothing to be afraid of, her body is just working super hard right now to get bubba out and then bring her focus back to this moment and nothing more. The next few breaths and nothing more. 

When these big shifts happen in labour they also bring with them what Rhea Dempsey calls, “crisis of Confidence” because maybe we found our groove with the level of intensity and then all of a sudden things ramp up and you get thrown. she might feel like she can’t go on, like she had found her groove before but then yet again things intensified. she may cry, or yell, fear or anxiety may dominate, she might want to be rescued and call for anything to make it stop. She is over it and does not want to do it anymore. 

Here you need to provide confident firm love and support because they will feel your uncertainty and if they are uncertain and feel your uncertainty or that you don't believe they can do it too, how can you expect them to move through this ‘crisis of confidence’ 

So, if we explore what labour might ‘look’ like, the physical and emotional signs that may come with it, we will be better supporters because we can try and come from a  place of positivity, trust and calm instead of worry fear and anxiety

DON’T TALK DURING A CONTRACTION!

It’s natural for us to want to find out if the comfort we are providing is good or bad. To check-in and ask if our loved one is doing ok as they move through a contraction but I urge you to resist and just wait those 60 seconds and let mumma do her thing.

Why? In short, when you ask her a question during a contraction you move her brain from the primal instinctual part which is where you want it to be at this time To the thinking…. Part. To open up we need to relax and let go and when we have our thinking cap on, it tenses our bodies. So leave the questions in between contractions and Instead just offer with physical gestures. Perhaps let them know in between a contraction what you might try in the way of comfort during the next contraction and that if they don't like t to just push you away and tip, Don't be disheartened if they refuse your help. Don't let it stop you from being present and continuing to offer comfort. Things can change a lot during labour so what feels good might not later, and then later it might feel good again. The ebb and flow of labour. 

USE THE RIGHT KIND OF TOUCH

What a labouring person wants can change moment to moment but touch can be such a simple way of helping. It can ground us, calm us, remind us to relax and to breathe. The simple touch of a hand on the shoulder reminds her to relax them, or slow strokes of the back or arms to help calm, a hug in between contractions can give mumma the opportunity just offload or let go of all her emotions she might have been holding in thus far. Whatever the touch the important thing to keep in mind is to keep it slow, keep it smooth and above all don't probe, poke, prod or give any kind of fast jolty touch. Often I have seen partners try and come in to give some comforting touch/massage and all they do is sharp short poke-like circles for 30 seconds sporadically here and there and more often than not they are told to stop:) not to say that this may be comforting to some if so fab please continue, but generally follow the Slow, long, bigger movements or even better ASK YOUR MIDWIFE to show you how to do a hip squeeze or Counter pressure. 

ASK THE MIDWIFE

Your midwife may have a world of knowledge in the way of comforting and positional tricks up her sleeve which they will most likely perform for the birthing parent but what they might not voluntarily do is offer to show you how to do them too. So just ask. IF all these things you prepared in the way of support fly out your memory bank window on the day, ask your midwife to give you a demo, a gentle reminder or some suggestions of what you can do to help more.

DON’T JUST BE A SPECTATOR, BE PRESENT WITH YOUR WHOLE BEING

This might sound simple enough, but being present does not just mean all you need to do is show up, to just physically attend. Being the chosen birth supporter, ESPECIALLY in our current time of covid, where many hospitals still only allow one birth supporter in the birth space, means you need to show up with everything you've got even more as many birthing women won't be allowed to have the extra support of their mothers, sisters, friends or doulas by there side as well as their life partners. So remember They have chosen you to help them through this massive experience, not to just come and watch a show which means you need to be present with your mind, your body, your heart, your words and your eye contact. 

Peter Drucker says “The most important thing about communication is hearing what isn't said” and i believe that this sums up how you support in a space of birth. You need to be present so that you can read the birthing parent body language and provide comfort in response to what it is telling you because the language of the birthplace is more tactile, more feeling and more watching then it is using words! When we are present in this way we can then also offer comfort and then adjust what comfort you provide in response to what their body and face are telling you. You want to use minimal questions during labour, especially active labour as this helps keep mumma in her ‘birth zone’ in the primal part of her brain which helps keep her more instinctual, more relaxed, able to let go and be moment to moment,  instead of slipping into her thinking brain which will try to calculate the time that has been or that is to come, that might worry or overthink which her body will respond to with tension which we don't want. 

So going back to my car ride. The things that my doula provided whilst we drove we little things but her presence was the most important because  my contractions were so intense that just being able to look up and see her looking right back at me, made me feel calmer, made me feel not alone like she was in this with me and that was solid gold in those moments 

She remained right by my side for the rest of the time too, so that anytime I searched for eye contact, anytime I came out of my own zone and required connection to drive me forward and give me strength, her eyes and presence were right there ready and waiting.

USE THE B.R.A.I.N TO HELP ADVOCATE

When faced with on the spot medical suggestions or decisions using the BRAIN to do so can be a brilliant way to cover all possible questions you might want to ask to make an informed decision and one that you feel a part of. So often a positive birth experience is not one that has gone as you had envisioned but more that you felt like you were part of all the decisions made with informed consent. Those things were not done TO YOU but you had been able to make choices with as much knowledge as you could get at that time. This can help make you both feel more empowered 

I remember when I was faced with what seemed like a very urgent medical intervention decision a heavy blanket of pressure, worry and uncertainty filled the room and this Time pressure from some of the medical staff also made me not trust what they were suggesting however I was lucky that my doula, right by my side, present and engaged, read my body language, saw the effect this shift was having on me and then acted on it. Now As a doula she could not speak for me, she could not make the decision for me but what she did do was pass on my birth preferences to the midwife and brought attention to the first point which was “please use the language of consent and give space and time for us to make an informed decision in private if medically possible” The midwife, in turn, passed this onto the the doctors and within minutes the heavy cloud of pressure lifted, the vibe of the room  changed to one of more positivity and calm and we were given privacy to follow the BRAIN and make an informed decision on how to move forward.

We can never know what may arise in labour and birth but we can use the BRAIN help us move forward with whatever it throws our way

So when faced with decisions ask...

B - what are the Benefits?

R - What are the Risks

A - What are the Alternatives?

I - What does your Intuition or gut say?

N -  What if you do Nothing for a few hours or not at all?

BELIEVE THEY CAN DO IT

“When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower” - Alexander den Heijer

I love this quote because it sums up exactly how we need to look at the birth space as well as motherhood someone said, ‘A woman may want or deserve help at times but the fundamental belief must be that she is the birth power source’. Which is so true! We need to believe That her body knows how to birth the baby just like it knows how to grow it and that it's not out to sabotage her. That it will do all it can to help both mother and bubba. Yes, there will be times where she requires support, help and even medical attention but we still must keep this belief that she can do it at the forefront of our minds and if they seem like they are struggling, instead of thinking mother is not doing something right, look at her environment and see how you can make it a more positive, calming and encouraging one.

Wisdom does not just come from information but in fact from experiences and our intuition too. It’s about tuning into our gut which I would say is not technically classified as a source of information per se but it IS a source of wisdom!! 

So we need to remember to believe in this wisdom and remember that Women have heightened senses when they are in labour and despite at times seeming like they are not aware of their surroundings, they are in fact so in tune with so much more than you assume. So believe in the process and show them that you do and this will help her trust and believe in herself more and in turn keep fear at bay. 

SO remember to breathe, to relax your own face and shoulders, to take a time out if you need to then enter with space with positivity and trust in her “We can't use someone else's fire. You can only use your own but you first need to believe you have it” - Audre Lorde … and supporters need to believe this too! 

Georgie Druckmann is mumma, a breastfeeding mentor, and a birth and postpartum doula supporting parents in Melbourne Australia. Having always watched the world of pregnancy and birth with wonder and curiosity, it wasn't until her early thirties that she was completely captivated by the special work of doulas and thus became one. She is super passionate about helping new mummas and papas navigate the transition into newborn or re-born parents both in pregnancy, the birth space, and during postpartum. To work with Georgie or simply read more helpful tips relating to this transformative time head over to @nurture.mumma on Instagram or Georgie’s website nurturemumma.com