Blended Chaos by Nicola Burkitt
Most men and women in a blended family do not grow up dreaming of being in one.
It is something beautiful that comes out of heart break, and sometimes tragedy.
I wrote into Your Zen Mama years ago, with two young children in tow. Fumbling through my turbulent relationship with my children’s father before finding myself suddenly immersed in the world of being a single mother.
I remember that time of my life as a time of mourning. It wasn’t the person I missed; it was the family dynamic I missed the most. The moment when you lock eyes with your partner as you both gleefully cheer on your child taking their first step, the level of pain you share as you both tend to your sick son or daughter, or the moment you share when your child is born, and you cry and kiss one another during a shared moment of utter bliss.
When you separate – that is suddenly gone. The memories are there and will always remain. Sometimes, that is the difficult part – what used to be.
Parenting then becomes about isolation. The level of support your close family and friends is incredible and a truly humbling thing to witness. But to share the load with the other biological parent in the same household is incomparable.
It still is. However – it organically became something different over time. I grieved and learned to let what I dreamt of having, go. I found a co-parenting rhythm, I explored my own desires and goals, I became so infinitely in-tune with my children, and eventually found a man who treated me in a way I feel proud of modelling to my kids.
I now sit in my inner-city home, typing away as my puppy lays by my feet. I can hear the soft snores from my biological son and the quiet giggles of my biological daughter and step-daughter as they talk themselves to sleep in their shared bedroom.
The love is different with a step-child – there is not the primal urge to protect your step-child who already has a mother so engaged in their life. But the love I share with my step-daughter is incredibly immense and just as powerful as the love I have for my own son and daughter.
A healthy dose of turbulence lives on in our blended household, similar to a biological family. We laugh often, chat excessively at the dinner table about our day and argue as much as biological siblings. We have spent three years merging our family, fumbling our way through hard conversations, and learning how to embrace our past lives, as it will always be a part of our present.
Our blended family isn’t just the five of us, and our puppy – it consists of our extended family and friends who are a part of our past and our present. My life looks a little different than what I dreamt of as a child, but in essence, it’s even better than I could have imagined.
Nicola Burkitt is a writer, teacher and mama to three living in Perth, Australia | Instagram: @nikkiburkitt | Email: nicolaburkitt95@gmail.com