The Do’s and Don’ts of Effective Discipline by Beth Feldman, Ph.D.
Parents today are busier than ever, but are still faced with the never-ending task of disciplining their children. Children learn to be good, successful humans by encountering limits, in the form of rules and discipline. Discipline, however, should not be confused with anger, harshness or an authoritarian rigidity.
Discipline with children and teen-agers involves thought, patience, understanding and firmness. As a parent, when a child breaks a rule or simply doesn’t listen, here are a few discipline do’s and don’ts:
Do’s:
Energize Your Inner Voice: Discipline your kids based on your own values and beliefs. Ask yourself what about your child’s behavior is problematic for you. Determine whether their concerning behavior is a big deal or a little deal. In making that determination, I often ask myself whether a safety rule was broken or someone’s feelings were hurt? If you decide that it’s a little deal, you might ask yourself why the behavior feels wrong to you and whether a personal issue of your own might have been triggered.
Choose Logical Consequences: Select consequences that are not extreme and that are a logical extension of the objectionable behavior. For example, if your eight year throws a fit in the supermarket, the logical consequence is to have them go to bed a half an hour early. I might say something like, “Since you aren’t listening and are very cranky, you must be overtired. Tonight, you are going to bed a half an hour early.”
Be Clear and Firm: Once you decide that your child’s behavior requires consequences, it’s time to discipline. Sit down with your child and explain the behavior that you are upset about and why it’s problematic for you. Then, let them know what their consequence will be with very clear words. Consequences are best delivered in a calm but firm manner. Be sure to maintain eye contact, indicating that you will not be nagged, bullied or guilt-tripped into changing your mind.
Be Understanding: When your child misbehaves, try to understand why they behaved as they did. For example, if your ten-year-old son refuses to get ready for bed for a long period of time, figure out what this oppositional behavior is a result of. Sometimes they are angry, sometimes they are anxious, and often they are letting you know that they need a little more of your attention.
Don’t’s:
Don’t react out of anger, fear, or anxiety: Try to respond from a place of thoughtfulness, rather than being emotional. When you are yelling, it often makes your child anxious and they have a hard time hearing you. Importantly, there should be no name calling (i.e. you’re a brat) and no disparaging generalizations such as “You are always disrespectful”. Stay focused on the behavior at hand and why it is problematic.
Don’t Send Mixed Messages: Be clear with your children about what your rules, values, and beliefs are. Be consistent about setting limits and enforcing the consequences that you give. It’s important not to react as if something is a big deal in the moment, only to relax the consequences a day or two later.
Don’t Respond Impulsively: When your child or teenager misbehaves, you don’t have to respond in the moment. If your teenager comes home at 2am, two hours after curfew, you can let them know that will discuss their consequence with them in the morning, after you’ve given it some thought. It’s never a good idea to respond impulsively or out of anger. Be patient and wait until you understand why you are upset with their behavior, before you determine if there should be consequences and, if so, what those consequences should be.
Try Not to Get too Frustrated: Kids and teens misbehaving is a normal part of their growing up. They will challenge your resolve and test your patience. If you set limits based on your own value system, it will be easier for you to remain calm, consistent and committed to your decisions, regardless of how many times they defiantly break the same rule or relentlessly criticize your judgement.
Disciplining your kids is a crucial part of helping them grow into strong, secure, and caring young adults. Rules and consequences help them feel safe and cared about. Try to remember that it’s their job to test your limits, question your authority and challenge you to hold firm to your beliefs and values. You may need to remind yourself that they don’t hate you, you aren’t the bad guy, and that years from now, you will miss these moments. This is what defines a good parent!
Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World” consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com or email beth@bethfeldman.com.