Born To Fly... Remembering The Precious Babies Who Have Left Our Arms Too Soon by Tamara Whittaker

When I think of my children, I think of all of them. Those that you see and those you cannot. They have all enriched and changed my life in a way that I never thought possible.

It has been nearly 10 years since I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart following the stillbirth of our son Jaye. After already suffering 3 pregnancy losses in between my first 2 children, the immense pain that followed Jaye’s birth has been a long journey of heartbreak, healing, and self-discovery.

The days, weeks, and months that follow a loss is like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You must learn to ride the waves of grief on a daily basis. When trauma and grief collide, we are completely thrown into this chaos that is so foreign but somehow you are forced to learn to navigate through and find some kind of normality in amongst it. No one can prepare you for what follows and everyone’s journey is their own path to walk.

So many stages of grief can attack you at the same time and you feel like you are constantly falling. And failing.

I still participated in life as I don’t like missing moments but grief can feel like a constant surrounding of darkness. It’s an uphill battle. Some days you are ahead and some you are behind. Ideally, no one can tell you how to get through it. You certainly can’t prepare for it and ultimately, each day is different.

It is empty, silent, and loud all at the same time.

Nurturing our other children’s hearts during this time was difficult too. How can someone grieve the loss of their child and also be a loving mother at the same time? Their precious hearts and minds were in pain too. They lost their brother.

I navigated my way through this time by writing. I could express anything and everything in a way that I needed to. I could cry, get angry, ask questions, and answer them too. I could write wherever I wanted or leave the book closed for long periods of time. Over the months and years, it was my constant companion and certainly helped me to make sense of the pain in my heart. I guess in a way, it was my gentle healer.

5 years ago, I would hear four little words that would encourage my next decision and send me off on a new adventure...

“write mummy. Just write”

And so, I listened carefully and I wrote.

I felt pulled to create something that I could pour my heart into, hold onto, and then release. The words needed to be simple but powerful and most importantly, they needed to be felt. This book would need to be for everyone.

Born To Fly is a delicately written and beautifully illustrated picture book for bereaved parents, families, siblings, children, and friends after the loss of a pregnancy, baby, or child at any stage. It is written through the eyes of the child who has passed and follows a special celebration whilst gently touching on the raw parts of loss. Born To Fly is compassionate and gentle. It is honest and provides a sense of hope that a family may continue to live a joyful life and know that although their precious baby is no longer with them, they are forever by their side. Because we are family.

Born To Fly will become a cherished keepsake and it has been beyond beautiful to see it fly into the hearts and homes of all who need it...

Sadly, there are so many who experience pregnancy and child loss. We are forced to be part of a community that no one wants to be a part of. As children, we often dream of how our futures will unfold in our lifetime. I am eternally thankful for all the things I have experienced and achieved in my life but I did not think for one moment that my path would also include so much heartache. However, I am truly grateful that I had the strength to accept what the universe had in store for me and transcend through the trauma of loss and come out the other side. It’s been a long journey and I have been fortunate to meet so many amazing people along the way. I have many wonderful things to be grateful for and my children are my teachers.

They all chose me to be their mother and I will continue listening to them, guiding them, nurturing them and admiring their growth. I will admire my own growth too, because it has been through the loss of my son that I have been forced into diving deep within myself and my pain. Being vulnerable. By breaking, we discover our true strength. And although it is difficult, it then takes great courage to rise again.

What I have learnt is that grief cannot be rushed. Time helps and pain needs to be felt and acknowledged but it doesn’t need to stay. As we deal with acceptance, there becomes meaning. Their life mattered. Their death mattered. Remembering them matters...

Writing Born To Fly was my way of holding close the memory of Jaye. I felt that strong desire to stay connected to him and through that connection, I would find healing. My hope now is that it may bring comfort and healing to others who are forced to walk the same path. Born To Fly is for all of us. It is dedicated to all the babies who are no longer with us but wish to remain close.

Milestones can be especially challenging. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mothers and Father’s Day, Christmas and Easter can all trigger emotions when you have lost a child. If we can surround ourselves with caring friends and family and we continue to ‘say their name’, it helps to ease the pain on our hearts. It’s also ok to be alone with our emotions. To practise self-love is so important. We can still live happy and fulfilled lives.

October 15th is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day where we take a moment to pause, reflect and remember our babies. I believe in the power of community and feel that this is an important day for us all to come together. No matter where you are in your journey, I hope that you feel comforted in knowing that you are not alone and although your precious one is not in your arms, they are forever by your side.

Tamara Whittaker is a South Australian author, writer, and artist. She is a proud and loving mother of 3 earth- side children and 5 in her heart and has recently released her first picture book, Born To Fly. Born To Fly is available online at www.tamaraj.com.au and Tamara can be found on Instagram @borntofly_picturebook and @bytamaraj