Interview with Jessica Sanders, author of 'Be Your Own Man'

At 26 Jessica Sanders is a rising star in Australian publishing. Her previous two titles Love Your Body and Me Time have both been widely successful. Her most recent book, Be Your Own Man, encourages young boys (and men) to embrace their vulnerability and put their hands up for help. Be Your Own Man aims to combat what is preventing boys from becoming their best selves; a narrow outdated definition of what it means to be a man.

Jessica has spent a lot of time unlearning harmful and unhelpful lessons that she was taught overtime and in her 20's realized them to be untrue. Unlearning takes time, energy and privilege that not everyone has access to and Jess doesn't want the next generation to have to unnecessarily suffer during childhood and then maybe, maybe have the education, time, and privilege to unlearn it all in adulthood. By providing these valuable lessons early her hope is to prevent unnecessary suffering and create a kinder world for children so that they grow into kinder adults who forge a kinder world.

We recently spoke to Jessica about Be Your Own Man, the writing process, what inspires her and how best to speak to children about mental and emotional health. This is such a beautiful book that has been a welcome addition to our collection, and we hope it makes its way into yours too. Info on where to purchase is detailed at the bottom of the page. We hope you enjoy our chat with Jessica!

Before we get into the book, can you please tell us a little about your story?
Growing up I was always a little on the outer. I was quite tall for my age and I didn’t really know how to be anyone other than myself which meant that I found ‘fitting in’ quite difficult. When I went to high school I experienced bullying and I found the transition extremely difficult. I eventually found my feet and made friends but I never sacrificed my strong sense of self and this has been a kind of superpower for me in my adult life. As an adult, I’ve spent a lot of time unlearning a negative relationship with my own body and I couldn’t accept that the next generation of girls would have to go through the same painful, isolating, and limiting experience - that’s when I decided to write my first book, Love Your Body. Self-acceptance and the celebration of diversity are big themes in my books because I know what it feels like to be a young person struggling with where they fit in the world.

What was the driving force behind writing Be Your Own Man?
In my final year of school my friend Ben took his own life. I didn’t see it coming and to this day I am so saddened by the fact he didn’t feel like he could put his hand up for help. This loss has shaped my life and is one of the drivers behind writing Be Your Own Man. Another reason was that I’m a big advocate for gender equality and strongly believe we need to be working with boys as much as we need to be working with girls to achieve equality. Gender stereotypes and a preference for masculine qualities hurts everyone and I felt it important to write something for the male experience.

Be Your Own Man has such a beautiful overall message to empower boys to freely express their emotions, free themselves from stereotypes society has built up over time and be completely themselves without apology, can you share other key messages throughout the book?
It was important for me to not only give boys permission to express themselves but to show them the power in doing so. When we are our authentic selves and when we wear our hearts on our sleeves, we give others permission to do so as well. By simply being yourself you can improve the life of another and I think that is really special. There is so much strength in softness and this was a key message I wanted them to take away.

Do you think the old messaging of what it means to be male is slowly shifting in our global community?
Absolutely, we are in the process of shifting our perception of what it means to be male however, there is so much work still to be done. Especially with our young people. Gender stereotypes permeate every aspect of our culture, they are inescapable. While we work to erase these stereotypes and write new narratives, we need to support young people to critically think about these stereotypes. If we don’t those gender stereotypes will become their teachers.

What was the writing process like?
For a while I felt quite stuck, I was juggling many hats as a social worker supporting young people in the justice system and I’d also recently finished writing Me Time which was a huge process. What I did was meditate on all the reasons why I was writing this book, what I hoped it would achieve and who I hoped it would speak to, and then it just flowed freely. I think I wrote the first draft in one sitting at my regular cafe, and when I wrote the last page it made me quite teary actually.

What inspired the character and how did you break down the messages into digestible themes?
A lot of the characters in the book are based on young boys I’ve met during my work in schools. When you look around a classroom there is an incredible diversity of experiences, interests, abilities, and cultural backgrounds to draw upon. I wanted young boys reading the book to be able to see themselves in the characters. I have key themes that run through all my books which are also values that I live by so I felt able to draw on them naturally. I always make sure to highlight the importance of help-seeking as well as provide practical self-care strategies so those became distinct own themes. The primary theme that runs throughout the whole book is the value in softness and authenticity.

As a writer, where do you find inspiration?
I find inspiration all around me. I like to read widely because I naturally create connections between what I’m learning about and my main areas of interest. I’m also inspired by conversations with my friends and family. In my books, I seek to convey fundamental truths and they can be found anywhere and everywhere.

You can be anything, you can be everything is such a powerful motto, as parents, how can we practically reinforce this message on a day to day basis?
In order to give young people the freedom to be themselves, we need to unlearn our unconscious biases. We all have biases that restrict our thinking and that we unconsciously project them onto others. The best way to start is by being aware of your language and the expectations you have of your children and stay curious. I think asking ‘why’ is the key. For example, if you find the idea of your son doing ballet a bit jarring, ask yourself why that is? It always comes back to the stories we’ve learned our whole lives around what it means to be a girl, boy, woman, man. Once you start questioning and unlearning those stories you won’t look back and it will become a natural process.

It’s also really beneficial to have those same curious conversations with your children. This will give them the critical thinking skills to see through gender stereotypes and form an identity that feels right for them.

How is it best to speak to children about mental health and positive body image?
When talking about mental health the best approach is to normalise. We should be talking about our mental health as much as we are talking about our physical health. Normalise the ups and downs on mental health and the self-care solutions we use to tend to it.

When it comes to a positive body image we need to return speaking about the function of the body. Why do we have a body? What can it do for us? And why should we be grateful for it? Our body allows us to experience all that life has to offer but it’s easy to forget that when the emphasis on appearance is so great.

Can you share a self-care tip for boys to regulate their emotions?
When I ask boys about the strategies they use when they are feeling sad or lonely most tell me that they distract themselves until the feeling goes away. Repressed feelings can turn into unexplained bouts of sadness or anger and also surface as mental illness later in life. A great way to process and release emotions is through writing in a journal. This could become a post-school ritual or maybe the last thing they do before bed. The benefits of journaling have been studied extensively and it’s hugely beneficial for both physical and mental health.

What would you say to any child who is struggling to feel like they fit in right now?
What makes you different is actually your greatest strength. Hold onto it and don’t let anyone take it from you.

What do you hope the biggest takeaway for boys reading this book is?
I hope they will be able to see the strength in softness so that they then feel free to love all the parts of themselves.

Where can we purchase a copy?
Online at Booktopia: or in any good bookstore.

Follow Jess @iamjesssanders