Child Loss by Krista
Late fall of 2022 I reached out to the Your Zen Mama podcast instagram feed to ask if they would consider running a piece on child loss. Child loss is such a unique kind of grief. I hoped that maybe it could connect people to others who get it. The response was “absolutely yes” which I was so incredibly happy to hear. The next response threw me a little. I was asked if I would consider writing a piece. That’s when my anxiety kicked in, but I agreed. I spent sometime thinking about how I wanted to write this. I was really struggling with how to put this into words as it really does take over every single second of every single day. First, I thought I’d share a bit of my story.
My name is Krista, and I am a mother to 3 amazing children. My oldest passed away during his first year at college. Griffin was 19 and ready to change the world. He was an environmental science major. He was passionate about our earth and doing whatever he could to help our environment. He loved his enviro science lab class as it was very hands on. April 26, 2018, he was with his lab group collecting water samples in a nearby river to analyze oxygen levels. Griffin was a commuter student, so had his jacket, backpack filled with all the supplies and books he would need for the full day at school. He was also carrying the hip waders he used while collecting water samples. His professor had the group run across a 4 lane road with a 45 mph speed limit at a spot with no traffic lights or crosswalks. Griffin was on the autism spectrum. He was very high functioning. he also had a processing speed delay. The professor was aware of this. The professor and the rest of the class made it safely across. Griffin was struggling to keep up with the group and cross safely with the weight of everything he was carrying . His brain was trying to process what was going on. I was told he was just steps away from the sidewalk when he was struck by a vehicle. My life changed forever that day.
There are so many different ways losing a child can change you. I literally feel like I’ve changed on the cellular level. My brain does not process information. Sometimes, I have no filter. My memory is horrible. I have chronic and debilitating insomnia. The hardest part is people start expecting you to be “all better” by about the 6 month mark. Finding a group of parents that have been there is essential. I found out that crying in the grocery store was normal. I found out memory loss is normal. I found out that I am normal. I wasn’t losing my mind. I’m on the cusp of 5 yrs and I can tell you with certainty, the first 12 months, I was in a haze of denial. I was rapidly cycling through the stages of grief. Not through, so much, but around. I really believed that if I could just talk to the right person, we could get this all straightened out. Griffin wasn’t really dead. He couldn’t be. He couldn’t be. But, he was. When we started going to support groups for grieving parents, I found out all of what we were experiencing was normal. I wasn’t going crazy. I was grieving, and grieving hard.
I think my goal with writing this piece is to help grieving parents feel just a tad bit more normal. They are not alone. The things they are experiencing are completely expected after losing a child. I also want to help the people that love us understand us a bit better. One of the sad truths about losing a child in any way, is people choose not to sit with you through it. People make a choice to shield themselves from it. We had friends that we considered family that I haven’t heard from in the last 5 years since my Griffin was taken away so suddenly. My extended family that all lives in another state, did not come to honor my son’s life at his memorial. My coworker, who was his kindergarten teacher sent me a card a week later telling me she was dressed and ready to go that day, but she was just TOO SAD. My response was how sorry I was that it was such a terribly hard day FOR HER. We had people that we considered family that we never heard from again. On the flip side, strangers stepped up in the most amazing way. My friend set up a meal train and we did not have to think about cooking for weeks. This was mostly due to strangers bringing us meals. It was what my heart needed.
The most difficult thing for me is constantly going over the “what if’s”. What if we moved to a different state and he ended up at a different school? What if the professor realized how difficult her ask was for Griffin . What if he didn’t know how much I loved him.
The other difficult part is all of the triggers. Grocery shopping can be minefield. Triggers everywhere. Not buying all of Griffin’s favorite foods is a weekly reminder of how my family has changed. The triggers do not only exist in grocery stores. They are literally everywhere, and I have no control how my body and brain are going to respond on any given moment. We just had the 5th anniversary of the Parkland shooting. Parkland is tied to my grief because after Parkland happened, I made sure that I said “I love and I’m proud of you” to my children as they left for school every morning. I know that because of that, my last words to my son were words of love and support. I realized this week, that Parkland feels like a bit of an anniversary for me too. The 5th anniversary of that school shooting on 2/14/23 really affected me. I realized it’s because it is my first fifth anniversary. It’s the first part of my story to hit the 5th anniversary. I totally understand if this doesn’t make sense to you. It would not have made sense to me either in my before time. But my grief around losing my incredible son is inexplicably tied to the Parkland shooting in my brain.
I worry a lot about my 2 living children, now 20 and 16. They were 15 and 11 when their brother died. My Jonah had to start college in the middle of a global pandemic. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to send my second born child off to college in the middle of a pandemic when his older brother did not survive his first year? But what choice did I have. He HAS to live his life. He needs to be able to grow older without guilt over just surviving. That is my focus on my 2 living children. I want to them know that I am present with them 100% in their joy. Also in their grief. I also still try to honor my child that died. I had good deed cards made and we deliver treats to places in the community like the library and vet with a request to pay it forward. We go to a local bakery on Griffin’s birthday every year and pay for birthday cakes so when the families come to pick them up, they’ve been paid for already. We find ways to connect with Griffin much in the same way we try to find ways to connect to our living children.
The truth is, 5 years in and life in many ways looks back to normal. My brain is still working on processing information better. The space in my heart and soul reserved for Griffin will always feel empty. I look for Griffin everywhere. I look in every snow storm, or sunset. I look for the heart rocks he leaves me on the beach. I still haven’t dreamt of him. I ask him frequently to visit me. Just searching for connections.
My hope is this piece reached someone who is fresh on this path. Or reached someone who LOVES someone on this path. Just keep showing up for your grieving friends. 2 months, 12 months, 5 years, they still need you. They still need to hear their child’s name. They need to know you haven’t forgotten.
Thank you for listening to my story. If you feel compelled, please consider doing a good deed in Griffin’s memory and post with the #birdlion.
My name is Krista and I am a mom to 3 amazing children. I live in the Midwest (USA). with my family. I work in special education, and I love to walk my dog, Riley, and watch bad disaster movies with my family.