Soften Your Expectations In Motherhood by Alita Blanchard
New motherhood comes with many expectations, often unspoken but deeply ingrained. Expectations that you must be a ‘good, happy, calm and present mother’. You will likely have high expectations of yourself, others around you, as well as societal, financial and career expectations.
You may naturally also wish to be ‘attached, gentle, peaceful’ in your parenting and many of these qualities
are possible (for some) in the baby stage. You may follow social media pages promoting these philosophies and aspire to ‘get it right’.
And yet somewhere along the way you will inevitably stumble.
I want you to know that that’s ok. You are likely doing your best with the tools and resources available to you. And you may also need to soften your expectations – both on yourself, your baby/children and others.
The realities of the newborn stage
Your baby will cry. And in that first year, this is their primary way of communicating to you that they have needs. Once those needs are met, and they are still needing to cry, it’s ok to surrender and hold them in your arms and let them cry.
This is actually very healing for babies with their own big feelings. Especially if you had a stressed pregnancy, difficult birth or have a highly sensitive baby, they will have a lot of feelings. Crying is healing when lovingly held and listened to.
However sometimes, if you are struggling with your own feelings and are stressed or dysregulated, you may find it hard to listen to their tears. This is very common. This is where I advocate for the importance of having someone to listen to YOUR feelings. We are not meant to do motherhood alone and it’s important to practice speaking your truth to people you feel safe with.
The realities of toddler life and beyond
Life can step up a level in intensity when your baby becomes a moving, walking, often frustrated toddler. Toddlers are meant to test boundaries and have big feelings (often called ‘tantrums’). And yet mothers often feel challenged when their child ‘isn’t listening’ or ‘keeps being naughty’ because their high expectations are not being met.
All of your child’s behaviours are likely normal. No child is ‘naughty’ or ‘misbehaved’. All behaviour is a subconscious form of communication. Their behaviour is showing you that they have needs, require support, or need to feel listened to. Again, you will need to notice your high expectations and find a way of surrendering to what is. Building your self compassion muscles. And finding additional support, information, listening time or a place to share truthfully with other parents so that you feel less alone in your experience.
You don’t have to ‘break all the cycles’
In the parenting space, there is a lot of focus on being ‘cycle breakers’ and ‘healing yourself’.
This is often related to an awareness that many parents carry childhood wounds and conditioning that doesn’t serve our children.
Modern mothers are being asked to build awareness, be respectful, gentle and connected unlike the previous generations before. On top of this, there is awareness that many people carry years of generational patterns and trauma.
These messages are important and valid and are part of the work parent coaches support their clients to process. However it can feel impossible to do this work in isolation, in one generation, as one person focused on healing all those patterns, wounds and trauma. So again, you must soften your expectations.
Generational patterns play a role in your parenting
The way you were raised will eventually start having an impact on your own parenting journey. These are your generational patterns.
We cannot expect to change our generational patterns overnight. You may have been raised in a family that:
Didn’t listen to tears
Yelled/screamed
Smacked/spanked
Neglected you
Overworked
Ignored
Shamed and punished
Threatened
Had addictions.
Changing these patterns
When you notice that you start reverting to some of these old patterns, be gentle on yourself. Change takes time.
Slow down
Start with awareness
Don’t expect big changes overnight
It may take years to unpack and change your patterns…that’s ok
Soften the shame
Reflect on your strengths
Build your self compassion muscles
Practice self forgiveness
Find supportive people to listen to YOUR feelings such as: Therapist/Counsellor, Parent Coach, safe friend, listening partner, mothers circle.
Supportive Mantras
Try these on for size in hard moments: I am always enough – Good enough is good enough – This is not an emergency – I always have enough time – I’m not meant to do it all – It’s ok to slow down and do less – I’m allowed to say no –
I am safe.
Soften your expectations
Say YES to build awareness, build tools, build support systems, be a change maker, less punishment, more connection, learn to rest, learn self compassion, build your self worth, YES YES YES!
Perfection – impossible, break every cycle – impossible, heal all the wounds – likely impossible, be connected in every moment – impossible, hold space for every feeling – no, attachment play everyday – unlikely, clean home, manicured garden, whole cooked food AND peaceful parent – unlikely!
Good enough is good enough.
Take that one next right step every day.
Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a Conscious Parent Coach, Rites of Passage and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, events, listening time and parent coaching programs.
Instagram: @alitablanchard_parentcoach
MOTHERHOOD SUPPORT:
MOTHERGROW - Year long motherhood support journey with a small group of likeminded mothers. 12 module course, connection circles, coaching circles, masterclasses and listening partnerships. Starts 12 March 2023. https://www.theawaremama.com.au/mothergrow