Don't Let Stress Turn You Into a Meanie by Tara Cousineau, PhD
Stress can be a great teacher or a terrible one. One day I had a pile of chattering ten-year old girls in my minivan. I came to a four-way stop. As I remember from my driver’s test twenty years earlier: the first car at the stop sign has the right of way and then you take turns in order of arrival like passing the butter around a table. The driver of this yellow school bus who arrived after me didn't think so. As I took my turn, he flipped me the bird in front of his busload of little kids as well as mine. He wasn't unloading children and there was no flashing light.
“Woah!” exclaimed my daughter. I held back from vollying back my own gesture. “Woah is right!” After a moment she reflected, “I guess he’s having a bad day.”
I wasn’t quite feeling her sense of generosity. The bus driver wasn't exactly the kind of role model I'd want transporting children. But maybe I was being too judgy.
Naturally, such stressful moments occur everyday. But the unkind behavior that can result isn’t exactly a good look. I call this effect “self-protective empathy lethargy,” or a SPEL.
Stress As A Bad Teacher
Falling under a spell of stress creeps up when we are consumed with daily hassles: too busy, tired, afraid, impatient, overworked, overwhelmed, tethered to distractions like technology, or simply burned out. Basically, we are too consumed with getting through or surviving the day to care in the ways we would under normal circumstances.
Stress erodes empathy. Any of us can get caught in this trap. It all comes down to how you respond to the things that trigger stress.
The truth is that we are bound by our physiology. The stress response and its attending negative emotions narrow your focus to immediate action. You can become small-minded and mean without even realizing it, as you snap at people like that harried bus driver did, become overly or undeservedly critical of yourself and others, or in general share your negative outlook or that of the bummer 24-7 news cycle.
Stress As A Good Teacher
Stress is also a normal and necessary part of life. No doubt there are plenty of opportunities to respond to life’s challenges in more beneficial ways. Simply put: stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your own thoughts. It's a physical signal to pay kind attention to.
Luckily, a few slow exhales can often be all you need to buy you some added time. You can turn your stress reaction into a helpful signal to take a pause. With that said, noticing your own brand of stress is key to counter your triggers in a calm way.
7 Ways to Identify Your Brand of Stress
Be an observer. This means being your own kind detective.Think about an ordinary stressor or hassle that occurred in the last week. Without any self-judgment, complete the following prompts:
The very first sign of stress is…
I feel stress in these parts of my body…
If stress were a color, it would be…
When stressed, I become the kind of person who…
I know I am stressed when I emotionally feel...
When I’m stressed, my thinking becomes…
Others can tell when I am stressed because I…
For example, when I get stressed I tense up. A perfectionist part of me wants things to go a certain way as if my survival depends on it (which of course it doesn't). I clench my jaw and feel I have a 200 lbs weight on my shoulders. I can be inflexible.
I bet you can easily identify your own signs, too.
The invitation is to embrace your own stress signals. These are clues to take care of yourself and slow down. My favored practice is calling on a moment of “kindfulness.” This means being aware of the present moment with heart. It’s a dose of self-compassion to remind me that I'm actually Ok.
And most likely you are, too.
Tara Cousineau, PhD, is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, coach, and entrepreneur. She is trained in mind-body-energy medicine and is a certified meditation teacher. She is the founder of KindMinds.co, a consultancy that helps high achieving professionals struggling with perfectionism, stress and burnout and to live with more ease and joy. She is author of The Kindness Cure: How the Science of Compassion Can Heal Your Heart and Your World. For more information visit www.taracousineau.com, Linked In and Instagram.