Folks We Love with Deborah Porter, Life Coach for Moms
Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting and motherhood, a champion for moms everywhere. She is the ultimate list maker, system creator and investigator of anything that will make things run smoother at home and in life. Deborah teaches moms how having systems in place, allow you to make room for yourself in every phase of motherhood so that every mother can have and implement a regimen of self-care that is non-negotiable. Deborah is a regular contributor on WTVR’s Virginia This Morning and occasional guest on WJLA’s The Mother Side. We loved sitting down and chatting with Deborah, learning all about her and what she does… and walking away with the reminder that self care isn’t selfish, and is actually essential.
Who is in your family?
My Husband and I are empty nesters. Our 2 oldest live in NY and are doing well (our daughter has been married for 2 years and lives in Manhattan. Our oldest son lives in Brooklyn). Our youngest son is entering his second year of law school in Ohio
Tell us about the work you offer to the world….
My work is twofold. First and foremost, I consider myself a Champion for Mothers, wherever she is on her motherhood journey with creating the atmosphere she wants and a life that she loves. Second, as a consultant for businesses that want to provide support beyond maternity leave to working parents. As a former criminal investigator, I took those skills and began investigating what makes home, work and life run smoother. Demystifying work/home/life balance is an assignment that I wholeheartedly accept and take very seriously. Here’s why it’s never a 50/50, balance means “each segment receiving the correct proportion for what’s needed now”.
How did you pivot from being a criminal investigator (we have a lot of questions!) to a mom coach?
At my core, I’m inquisitive, curious. I want to get to the heart of the matter. What’s the issue, what’s the desired outcome? I work well in the middle of those two places. So as a criminal investigator it was a perfect career choice for me. What happened and do all the pieces add up? After gathering all of the evidence, statements, crime scene photos, an image begins to appear. In life it’s very similar, what’s happening, what does the evidence of your life show, what is the goal or desired outcome? It’s about helping that mom get curious about her own life.
Can you share with us a little on your motherhood journey?
I remember sitting on the edge of my bed with my 3-year-old daughter and my oldest son, who was an infant at the time. We were all crying but for 3 different reasons. I knew then that I had to be intentional about discovering and creating who I wanted to be as a mom. I knew I would have to get comfortable with making mistakes because I had already made so many and more were to come. I was also intentional about creating my own village. Moms older, younger and also at the stage I was in. I am a firm believer that we should always be mentoring and being mentored at the same time.
Your top 3 tips for a mama to gain confidence?
Stop comparing yourself to others, it’s a losing battle. One of the best boundaries you can ever set is saying “no”. Choose to abandon perfection, it isn’t attainable and it’s not real.
What do you love most about being a mama?
As a mom to adult children, I love being in their presence and hanging out with them. It’s the fruit of all the years of labor and it’s beautiful. The best part is that they seem to like hanging out with us too!
What do you find most challenging about being a mama?
Battling the desire for control. Many times we know (or think we know) what the best thing to do is and our children don’t always choose the thing we want. That is such a great reminder that it is there life to live.
What does a typical day look like for you?
These days, a typical day for me begins around 9am (I’m not a morning person). Taking some time to start my day slowly with a quick workout, sometime in prayer is the ideal morning. Early afternoon coaching calls begin or workshops/webinars with organizations for their working parents. A couple of mornings in the week is spent reading, researching and goal setting. Friday is always a light day to tie up loose ends; call backs, emails, etc.
Why do you believe 'the village' is so imperative?
I love the idea of the village because the village is there to support the mom. Having your people should provide you with a safe space to be your beautifully imperfect self. That’s one way you know you’ve got the right people. Another reason I believe so strongly in having a village is because we simply cannot do it all. My village fills in the gaps for me and it’s priceless.
How can mamas take the guilt out of ‘no'?
The way you take the guilt out of saying no is saying it more often. Generally it’s awkward because we say it so rarely. The other way we remove the guilt is by removing the need to explain why we’re saying it or worst, apologize for saying it. “I’m so sorry but I just can’t” as opposed to, “I’m already committed and won’t be able to assist this time.”
How do you unwind?
Oh! So many ways. Some nights it’s crime shows and chocolate. Other days it’s journaling and time alone. And then still others time with my girlfriends.
Self care non-negotiable?
Absolutely! And I don’t mean a mani/pedi or a day getting your hair done. Those things are maintenance. Here’s the thing, we are always teaching people how to treat us. The word no and letting calls go to voicemail are 2 very important boundaries for me and forms of self care. Time alone is important. You need quiet to get clarity. And as a mother that can be hard. Not impossible but it can be difficult. The moms I work with learn how to step away for 2 full days, one overnight ALONE. It’s freeing.
Your morning routine?
Offer a prayer of thanksgiving, hopefully 20 minutes on my rower, make a smoothie, check in with my husband in his office and then emails.
Your evening routine?
After dinner, my husband and I will go for a drive somewhere. No place fancy but I recently got a convertible and driving after dinner is so relaxing. Some TV, time for the 2 of us to connect. A coaching call or 2, A few late evening emails, a brain dump and bed.
What are you reading right now?
Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo
What are you listening to right now?
This is gonna sound so ridiculous. Here goes, Hamilton soundtrack, Studio 54 on Sirius and Maverick City Music. LOL
What are you bingeing right now?
Just finished “Loot” on Apple TV
4 things you can't live without?
Mascara, my phone (for so many reasons), my glasses and an excitement for living life no matter how difficult the season. Because seasons always change.
For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available here.