How do you tell your friend who is struggling to have a baby that you’re pregnant? by Ceci Jeffries
As excited as you are about your pregnancy, you may also be dreading sharing the news with your friend who is struggling to have a baby or dealing with infertility.
As a Fertility Coach, I get asked this question a lot. In fact, I love getting asked this question as it means people really do care about those going through a fertility struggle. Many people just don’t know how to navigate this situation with their friends.
If you know your friend has been trying to have a baby for a long time, please always remember, their pain doesn’t take away from the happiness they feel for you. They are happy for you, just sad for them. The journey of trying to have a baby when you have fertility issues is heartbreaking, overwhelming and all consuming. Hearing your news will undoubtedly remind them of their struggles and heartache so please keep these 5 tips in mind when sharing your happy news:
TEXT THEM FIRST SO THEY CAN PROCESS IN PRIVATE
I still remember the phone calls from friends telling me they’re pregnant. I was so awkward. I was trying so hard to be excited for them but I was crying on the inside. Why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? Will I ever be a Mum? All my grief came flooding back yet I had to be excited for them on the spot. It was hard. A text message instead will give your friend time to feel what they need to feel in private. Ideally send the message at night time when they’re likely home from work. Give them time to let their emotions come to surface in private.
DON’T SURPRISE THEM AND MAKE THEM REACT IN PUBLIC
It’s likely your pregnancy announcement will remind them of their struggle and grief so instead of telling them in front of a group of people - let them process without eyes watching them. Your friend will want to be happy for you - they just need permission to have their sad feelings privately first. Their sadness is not about you.
DON’T TRY AND HIDE IT FROM THEM AND TELL EVERYONE ELSE
Telling others before them may seem easier at first but one of the most isolating feelings is the feeling that everyone else knew before you or that your friends have been keeping things from you. There is no easy way to receive news that your friend is pregnant when you’re deep in the fertility trenches, but I’ve been hurt more when a pregnant friend purposely avoided telling me because they didn’t want to upset me. I felt left out. I felt like a victim. I felt punished for my struggle. Tell them you’re pregnant at the same time you tell your other friends. You don’t want them hearing from someone else.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PAIN
Simply recognise and address that this news may be difficult for them to receive right now. Acknowledge that you know they’re in a hard place and hearing news of another pregnancy may make it even harder. Acknowledge what they are going through and how unfair it is. Understand that they might be grieving not being able to have a baby the old fashioned way. I know I found this particularly tough. Acknowledge their feelings and don’t take anything personally. Struggling to have a baby is a major life crisis and they are in survival mode. Forgive them if they don’t seem as excited as your other friends. Don’t take their sadness personally. It’s also a good idea to ask them how much they want to hear about your pregnancy milestones.
OH, AND DON’T TELL THEM HOW MUCH YOU MISS WINE
These light hearted throw away statements hurt. When you’re struggling to have a baby, your emotional threshold gets lower and lower each month after each negative pregnancy test. Just be sensitive to their situation and save the pregnancy jokes and complaints for another audience.
You deserve to be so happy and excited with your baby news. Don’t apologise to them for your pregnancy, it is such a special time. You can still be great friends throughout your pregnancy with communication and sensitivity. Just be gentle and be honest.
If you’re struggling to have a baby and would like some more support, please talk to Ceci at cecilia@fertilityhand.com, www.fertilityhand.comor check out her Instagram @ceci_fertiltyhand for daily content, support and humour. Ceci Jeffries is a mother of 3 and founder of Fertility Hand; a coaching service which offers independent support, mentoring and guidance to women and men confronted with fertility issues. After experiencing infertility firsthand, Ceci is passionate about giving the emotional impact of fertility issues and treatments the attention they deserve.