How To Talk To A Child About Death by Veronica Baxter

Whether it’s a family member, friend, grandparent, or other loved one, explaining death to children can be difficult. Loss is confusing, especially for children. Even if they’ve seen death in stories, encountered dead bugs outside, or seem to grasp the concept, seeing a cartoon character die on the television and experiencing grief firsthand are two very different things. 

Young children often don’t grasp the finality of death or understand what causes it. By explaining loss, your child will better understand the situation, their feelings, and how to work through them.

Below are some of the best tips for explaining death to your child.

Use Examples
Finding the right time or figuring out the right way to get into a conversation about loss can be tricky. One way to segway into the discussion is by using examples. As mentioned above, most children have seen death in one place or another, whether it’s books, tv shows, or out in the mud with a grasshopper. These experiences are vital to helping your child understand what you’re trying to explain.

Take one of these experiences you know that they’ve had or a show they’ve seen and use it to begin talking about death. Having these situations as a comparison to what you’re trying to explain gives your child something that feels familiar. It helps them better understand the death of a loved one when you help them compare the situation to something they’ve already encountered on a smaller scale.

Keep Your Explanation Simple
When you tell your child that a loved one has died, be simple. However, simplicity doesn’t mean bluntness. Be sure to explain the situation with kindness and patience without any detail that could be disturbing or frightening. Avoid euphemisms such as “eternal sleep” or “gone away,” as this can muddy your child’s understanding of death and its finality. Be clear. Tell your child that their loved one has died.

It will feel difficult to be so honest and straightforward with your child on such a complex topic, but it’s the only way your child will fully understand what’s going on. Don’t shy away from explaining that they won’t be able to see that person anymore or the cause of death. It will feel hard, but it’s important for the sake of your child.

Answer Their Questions
Once you explain to your child that a loved one has died, you should expect a wide range of emotions. Everyone expresses grief differently - especially for children who won’t be able to completely grasp the concept of death. 

However, no matter if your child is emotional or angry, children often have many questions. Don’t avoid them. You must give honest, simple answers that will help illuminate the concept of loss and grief to your child. It’s also important not to try and answer questions perfectly. If there’s a difficult question you don’t know how to answer, explaining that you don’t know can be enough. It may even make your child feel more comfortable knowing that you don’t fully grasp everything related to death either. 

Be Open With Your Grief
When a child experiences a loss, you are most likely experiencing one as well. It can feel like a natural instinct to hide your grief and pain from your child, but this is the exact opposite of what you should do. By hiding your grief, you’re only confusing your child on what it looks like to grieve. 

It’s okay to cry and express to your child that you’re sad or you miss the person who died as you’re explaining the loss. This will not only make your child feel comfortable to express their emotions related to the death, but it will also help them grasp the severity and finality of loss.

Give Concrete Ways to Mourn
Once you explain to your child that their loved one has died, it’s important to give them concrete ways to mourn. One way to help your child express grief and understand death is by allowing them to attend the funeral. This can often feel like closure for children and can provide a deeper understanding of loss. 

Another great way to help your child mourn is by memorializing the loved one. Whether this is simply talking about fun times or drawing pictures, it’s important to give your child a concrete way to mourn so they can work through their grief.

Seek Professional Help
While you may be getting help, your child may also need professional guidance. If you feel like your child still doesn’t understand loss or how to handle their grief following your discussion with them, it’s essential to find a therapist who can help. Therapy is a great way to help your child work through difficult emotions and lingering confusion related to the death of a loved one.

Explaining that someone has died isn’t easy to tell anyone, let alone children. With such an innocent age, it’s essential to be clear and concise with your explanation and give your child concrete examples to hold on to. However, most importantly of all, don’t hold onto perfection. There is no one right way to explain death and grief to your child. The important thing is that you’re doing it, and you’re giving your child a safe place to express their grief and ask their questions.

Veronica Baxter is a writer, blogger, and legal assistant located near Philadelphia.  She frequently works for Chad G. Boonswang, Esq., a busy Philadelphia life insurance lawyer.