I Have To Pay For This $hit by Christy Pruitt-Haynes

Image credit: Jennifer Caldwell

Picture it…Nashville, TN 2009. I’m sitting minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear…. “Mama, do I have a college fund?” That question from my then 5-year-old shocked me, to say the least. “What makes you ask that babe?” to which she replied, “I saw a commercial that said most parents don’t have enough saved, and you need a special account just for me.” “Yes, babe, you have a college fund. Don’t worry about that, that’s for me to take care of. Your job is to do great in school, and it’s my job to pay for it.” Thankfully she accepted that answer and went back to whatever she was doing. What I was really thinking was, I just spent your college fund on your kindergarten tuition, so I REALLY hope you get a scholarship!!!

When I think back on everything I have ever told my daughter during her almost 19 years of life, the phrase she seems to have held on to more than most is, “...it’s my job to pay for it.” And as moms, that’s what we do, we pay. In money, time, and many sleepless nights…but raise your hand if you’d give that up…anyone??? I didn’t think so.

As a mom, I’ve enjoyed every stage of my daughter’s growth, admittedly some more than others, but I wouldn’t trade any of those moments for all the money in the world (which is exactly what she managed to spend when buying new clothes to go to college). Having said that, this latest stage of “parenting from a distance” kinda sucks. I went from knowing how she spent her time, who her teachers were, and what her favorite foods were to 5-word texts and 1-minute and 41-second phone calls that consist of, “I’m doing great. Classes are good. Can you send some money for Insomnia cookies, they’re amazing?”. And the hardest part was having to admit that this was kinda the goal. Raise a kid who is able to go off to college and handle life. That transition is what prompted me to write the book, I Have to Pay for This $h!t. There are a million books on parenting young kids, but very few talk about the extreme emotions we feel when our kids go from our home to out in the world, and the problem is that transition seems to happen overnight.

Logically I know this was 18 years in the making, and I am eternally thankful for each and every moment during those 18 years. Like the time we had a 20-minute conversation about her “travel card,” also known as a passport, and how having one didn’t mean she could travel anywhere at any time because we still had to pay for trips. I knew then she had an adventurous spirit and would likely spend the rest of her life being curious and pursuing new opportunities - and I had to get really comfortable with that really fast instead of wrapping her in bubble wrap and trying to keep her close (because that was my first thought).

Or the time she outsmarted me and got to eat some extra candy. It was Halloween, and she was almost 4 years old. We had a rule that she was only allowed one piece of candy per day, but after eating a small now and later, she asked if she could have another piece since the day before she was able to eat one piece, but it was a lot bigger. I boldly said no, the rule is one piece per day, and felt proud of my superb mothering skills in teaching healthy habits and sticking to the rules. A few minutes later, she asked me how many M&Ms were in a snack pack…I knew I had lost. I told her I didn’t know, and she followed up with, “is it more than one?”. After admitting it was, I gave in and allowed a second piece that day and then changed the rule to one pack of candy per day. I knew then she would use logic instead of emotion to make decisions, and that would serve her well in adulthood. I also said, “this kid was born a lawyer,” Fast forward several years, she is a psychology and neuroscience major on a pre-law track, and I am not at all surprised.

The one thing I have learned through every stage of my daughter’s life (and every stage of parenting) is our kids are who they are, and it is our job to nurture that, support them through their discovery phases, and love them no matter what. It would have been so easy to try to turn her into a mini version of me (I mean, I’m pretty cool, right), but that’s not the gig. The gig is to let them show you who they are and then help them turn that into the best possible version of that person. That job takes A LOT of patience, A WHOLE LOT of money, and more work than you knew you were capable of, but I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

I am eternally grateful to have been able to capture all of those magical moments in my book, I Have to Pay for This $h!t. Parents read it and remember teaching their kids to walk or taking them to get their driver's license (and realizing that the car conversations that we loved are forever changed). But most of all, my hope is that everyone will feel the love, pride, and joy that each of those moments brought us and remember that no matter what stage of parenting we’re at and no matter how big of a check we write for braces, school, dance fees, and football dues, the privilege of having a front row seat to watching someone become who they were meant to be is worth it all…even more than a fully funded account that pays for all of their college tuition!

Christy Pruitt-Haynes is a well-respected speaker, author, and C-Suite Collaborator based in Nashville, TN who combines 25 years of executive level Human Resources, Diversity, and Leadership Development expertise with a healthy dose of profound strategy and results-focused resourcefulness to create innovative organizations and highly effective leaders. Whether on a stage giving a TEDx talk, a keynote to 1,000+ member audiences, or meeting one-on-one with a CEO, Christy adds a fresh perspective that lead to actionable “aha moments.” Her trusted insights can regularly be found in Business Insider, The Harvard Business Review, and Fast Company, among others. In her book I Have to Pay for this $h!t Christy combines her wit and heart in a comical and heartwarming picture book for parents of rising college freshman. For more information on Christy visit www.IHaveToPayForThis.com and www.ChristyPruitt-Haynes.com