MisUnderstandings Of Miscarriage: Interview with mama and filmmaker, Tahyna MacManus
The heartbreaking reality around pregnancy loss is that it affects 1 in 4 pregnancies, our friend and filmmaker, Tahyna MacManus is the beautiful brains, heart and story behind a project so close to her heart. The beautiful, poignant, vulnerable and important documentary; Misunderstandings of Miscarriage. Tahyna embarks on a personal journey to understand the physical, emotional and psychological impacts of miscarriage. As she tries to fall pregnant again, she discovers that the world of women’s silence and shame can become one of strength in numbers.
MuM is a real, raw and brave insight into the heartbreak, grief and devastation that 1 in 4 mamas, papas and families experience and along with being a source of inspiration and information, it serves as a beautiful and powerful catalyst to breakdown the stigma surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss and open up the lines of communication so women no longer have to suffer in silence, to blame themselves, to feel shame or to feel alone.
We sat down for a chat with Tahyna to discuss the process of making the documentary, her fertility and pregnancy loss journey, what she hopes women take away from her beautiful documentary and why it’s imperative we continue the discussion and keep opening the lines of communication on such an important topic to support each other as women, feel less alone and take away any pre-conceived shame, stigma and taboo around pregnancy loss.
Can you tell us a little bit about MuM: Misunderstandings of Miscarriage and the journey to get to this point?
I started documenting my experience after my second miscarriage in an attempt to cope with and process my grief. As I started opening up to friends, family and other women about my miscarriage, I noticed that there were so many other women going through the same common experience of feeling terribly ashamed and alone. I had been working closely with a friend and producer Kelly Tomasich at the time and she encouraged me to keep exploring and documenting what I was feeling. MuM: Misunderstandings Of Miscarriage (MuM) was born organically from this process.
Could you share your miscarriage experiences, were they the main impetus behind this brave and powerful documentary?
I've had three miscarriages and each one had a huge impact on me. My first loss was also my very first pregnancy, and it completely shattered me. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and feeling very isolated. My second miscarriage occurred 18 months after the birth of my daughter. Looking back, I now realise I hadn't properly processed the grief of my first miscarriage, so everything felt compounded during the second. My third loss happened in mid 2018 whilst filming the documentary. My 3 losses were absolutely the driving force behind MuM. I felt as if there weren't enough resources out there for those experiencing loss and that the topic itself had a stigma around it which I wanted to try and understand more.
Why do you think there is such a stigma of shame surrounding miscarriage and how can we help change that?
I think for the most part it is because miscarriage is a disenfranchised grief that often goes unacknowledged. The grief is often minimized or misunderstood by others, making it particularly hard to process. Education is extremely important. Men and women should both be educated on pregnancy loss so that families and their support network are better equipped with information about the hows and whys of miscarriage.
What questions do you hope people would ask you about miscarriage?
Any! If people are asking questions, the conversation is continuing. I think the most important question is what we as a society can do to help families experiencing pregnancy loss.
How hard was it to show up for this project when you were dealing with your own pregnancy losses and grief throughout the journey and it what ways did it help to honour and heal your experiences?
There were many difficult days for me personally, but I had started something that was much bigger than me, so I knew I had to keep going. I also had an incredible producer in Kelly and the wider team looking out for me. On a whole, the film was an incredibly cathartic experience for me, and my way of honouring my losses.
When you went through each of your painful miscarriages, what was the overarching emotion?
Every person is different but for me definitely guilt and shame and just such a profound feeling of loss for what could have been.
When you began opening up about your journey with pregnancy loss, what did you notice being reflected back to you from other women?
We were all feeling the same fears and emotions and were struggling to carry the burden alone. Women are ready to have this conversation and support others who may be experiencing the same.
What do you want women to know about pregnancy loss?
Our hope is that by showing audiences the reality of pregnancy loss, MuM will help to create a greater understanding on a societal level about how and why miscarriage occurs in order to help those experiencing loss feel more comfortable to share and grieve their loss without fear of judgement and shame.
Do you find many women struggle talking about miscarriage?
I definitely did. I had to overcome a lot of fear in order to talk about my miscarriages, but didn’t feel I could ask anyone to share something I wasn’t willing to share myself. The fact is for most miscarriage is a personal and traumatic experience. I found both during the filming of MuM and since its release, that there has been an amazing domino effect, once one person starts talking there are 10 others willing to join the conversation. I have been completely overwhelmed and honored by the thousands of families who have been willing to share their stories with me.
Is there a common factor between the women you interviewed?
Each woman had her own unique experience and journey, but as you will see in the film, we all experienced many similar emotions. The women (and men) I had the privilege of interviewing for MuM are such wonderfully, courageous people and I am forever grateful they trusted me to tell their story.
From your personal experiences, do you have any advice you can share about pregnancy after pregnancy loss and how best to cope with the fear that arises?
My advice would be that it is okay to feel anxious, but I really encourage women to find a therapist or support group such as The Pink Elephants Support Network to help you work through any anxiety and fear that comes up.
What are some takeaways you learnt about the physical, emotional and psychological impacts of pregnancy loss?
Gosh so many, but I guess some clear takeaways would be that:
The loss is real and should be treated as such.
You should be encouraged to speak with a support network or mental health professional to help you process that loss.
Partners also need support and understanding as they have also suffered a loss.
Medical professionals should also have a better understanding of how the delivery of medical information can affect a person’s ability to better comprehend and cope with the loss.
Grief is an individual experience and certainly communicating your grief and ultimately helps with healing.
What is the one piece of advice, or support, you wish you had when you went through your first miscarriage?
I wish I was given more holistic care within the medical system. I wish someone had told me that it wasn't my fault, and that I would experience intense grief. I wish I knew about the support networks that are available now for women.
Since working on MUM, what support networks and resources have you found that exist and offer connection, guidance and community for mamas going through pregnancy loss?
The Pink Elephants Support Network, Bears of Hope, SANDS are 3 organisations doing amazing work to offer support.
What would be the one piece of advice you would offer to someone supporting someone going through pregnancy loss?
My one piece of advice would be to not minimise their grief. Through the best intentions, friends and family often try to console those experiencing loss by saying things such as "well at least you know you can get pregnant" or "at least it was only a few weeks". Although coming from a good place, these kinds of comments are dismissive to those experiencing very real grief. Simply saying you are sorry for their loss and offer your help and support is always a good place to start.
From making this documentary, what do you think you have learnt most about women?
I have always known this, but making MuM only further solidified in my mind how amazingly strong and resilient women are. The women I had the pleasure of meeting and working with are incredibly brave women, who demonstrated enormous physical and mental strength. It was truly an honour to share with them and learn from them.
What are your hopes for research and conversation surrounding miscarriage?
I hope an open and honest conversation about the realities of pregnancy loss continues so that both men and women feel confident and comfortable to share and reach out to others for any support they might need. I also hope anyone experiencing pregnancy loss is met with compassion and support from the medical community and provided with all the resources needed to understand and process their loss, as well as from their employers through the provision of bereavement leave for pregnancy loss.
Do you have any advice from your experience with processing grief and honouring the angel babies that never made it earth-side?
Communicate and share your feelings and emotions with someone in your support network or a mental health professional. Honour your loss in whatever way that works for you. In the film we met women who did this by planting trees, wearing jewellery as well as creatively through writing books and making music. There is no right way, only what is right for you.
Do you have any advice from your experience with healing your body after loss?
Definitely give yourself space and time. Be kind and gentle.
What takeaways do you hope grieving mamas will get from the documentary?
I hope any woman experiencing pregnancy loss understands that what is happening is not her fault and that she should not feel ashamed or isolated in her pain. I hope she understands that there are many other women who know exactly how she feels and that they are willing to listen and share. I hope she and her partner talk openly to each other about their individual and collective grief and that they find a way to mourn and honour their loss giving themselves the time and space they need to heal.
Where can we watch it?
MuM is currently available exclusively on Stan in Australia. For those wanting to watch outside of Australia, keep an eye on our Instagram page @mum_documentary where we will hopefully be making some announcements very soon!
For our Australian YZM community, Misunderstandings of Miscarriage is currently available on STAN and for the rest of the world, stay tuned for a release announcement coming soon. We will update on our socials once information is released. In the meantime, head to @mum_documentary or mumdocumentary.com for more information.